“In hindsight it may even seem inevitable that a socialist society will starve when it runs out of capitalists.”  —Larry Niven


How does one become an Occupy Wall Street Protestor? A quest for understanding in a somewhat complicated topic. Why? Because there are some who seem to demonstrate a modicum of intelligence and articulate usage of the language when the camera is rolling. And, there are some who dress reasonably normal (normal meaning, no obvious hygiene challenges, maintaining a groomed appearance). Those folks are in the vast minority. And certainly it would not be an accurate statement to say these slackers are all “youth generational.” The camera has caught some old enough to be peers of my parents.

But the task at hand is an immediate one. How do I blend in? How do I become an OWS protestor. I suppose I should start with something superficial. Ah yes! you say, “Things aren’t always as they appear.” and how right one might be to make such a characterization. But any good leftist will tell you, honesty is a relative term. “Your views are your views.”  Kind of akin to calling people racists because they don’t like Obama… Yet, when it is pointed out that these same “racists” like Herman Cain, the argument shifts to, “you only like him because he gives your racism cover.” Rank dishonesty is the domain of the left. And outward appearance is what we first see from our friends in the lame stream media.

As a segue into my OWS protestor journey, I neither shave nor shower for an extended period of time. (if I wish to wholly embrace this slacker look, I don’t brush my teeth, either..If a casual observer spies a chive stuck in my teeth when I smile, I have arrived) It is important to engender that, “rail against the establishment” appearance. Smelling ones’ own smell, is sufficient validation one has achieved parity with the OWS appearance.

To truly embrace the concept, I must purchase the utmost gaudy, kitschy articles of clothing from the local thrift store. A prerequisite for this neo-haberdashery might be faint odors of mothballs, cedar or musty fragrant odors. After all people need to experience overall discomfort with me in their quest to be, “tolerant”.

I might be remiss if I didn’t take up smoking. Nothing says “stick it to the man” like cigarette smoking. Perhaps I might even acquire a small bag of weed to make some fast friends. “A Friend with weed is a friend indeed,” you know. [insert Bag O’ Weed song from Family Guy]. Perhaps a pint of a libation? Drinking on public property also says, “Stick it to the Man.” MD 2020…Boone’s Farm? Nope! only the best! As I was wandering through Victory Park, I was startled to see a young lad parked in front of a tent with a couple of other lads, sporting a bottle of Glenfiddich 30. That kid probably stole it.

I cannot go to an OWS protest without signs. Need a Sharpie…No money, no problem just shoplift it. Otherwise, I requisition all the stuff for needed signs at the local college my mummy and daddy are paying for me to attend. Oh, and I need a drum, too. If the local kitschy junk stores are in short supply, I can steal that, too. I soldier on about the business of gathering the needed goods to attend this OWS shindig.

I am now packed and ready…I have my Blackberry….made by a greedy crooked corporation, financed by the crooks on Wall Street…I have my Coleman Tent, made by yet another big greedy corporation; The clothing I wear produced in either China or Indonesia, where I complain about how low wages are in comparison to U.S. Workers, without regard to standard of living; I’ve got a handy supply of cigarettes made by Big Greedy crooked Tobacco Companies that are on a mission to kill America’s children; I’ve got my weed, its purchase having funded some drug lord somewhere who kills a lot of people to achieve market dominance; Finally a stop-off at Planned Parenthood for some free condoms. And please don’t remind me about the greedy Institutions of higher learning with their arbitrary and unaccountable yearly tuition hikes; I simply do not want to hear it.

But what about food? well, nobody seems to have an answer for that. So I guess I am on my own and if I get hungry enough I can purchase a nice meal using my ATM Debit card issued by the, “Zionist Jew-controlled [sic] banks.” Money on that card funded by none other than the “magic money færies.” Wow! Capitalism sucks!

And speaking of the,  “Zionist Jew-controlled [sic] banks,”  I now need to practice an attitude of “tolerance…” absent of “bigotry and hate…” except for the evil, “Zionist Jew-controlled [sic] banks.” No racism here, NOPE! Haters go home!

So why am I going? Why? because I want free stuff. I want a living minimum wage…about 20 bucks an hour…But If I don’t like my job or don’t want to work, then I want a Check. I like the way Germany does it. Government mandates for shorter work days, paid breaks funded vacations, “free” healthcare…housing, this list goes on. I want my student loans forgiven, if I am one from the lesser masses. I want the government to mail me a check when I am out of work. In fact, I don’t even want to go to the mailbox…I want the postman to walk in my house and hand it to me while I am playing X-Box and eating Doritos. But I cannot do all of this without a villain. And that villain is the corporate fat cats on Wall Street and Corporate America and the stingy rich people who won’t share their money.

My “retarded” conservative daddy says, “If we liquidated everything rich people owned and then sold all their assets and sacked their employees we would have their combine total net worth of 3 trillion dollars… an amount the current government requires annually for expenditures. So with that done, we could fully finance the US government for just one year.” Naturally, for an effective OWS mindset, I need to say, “Daddy is full of crap.” Class warfare….it’s the only way to go.

All of this is well and good, but beating that drum hour after hour gets boring. So I am looking forward to getting drunk, laid, stoned and seeing what I can strategically sponge off others there.  Certainly, those with communal notions will share? Oh well, if not, I’ll just steal. Stealing is okay as long as I am looking out for the greater good and I am part of that greater good. Note to Self: attempt getting into that cute hippy chick’s pants…no, not that one, the other who with the little dog.

Finally, I wonder, “Who brings the toilet paper?” Nobody asks that, now do they? Just wondering. Perhaps the Unions will bring the paper.


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