News – Politics – Opinion – Podcasts
Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!) 
After electing Joe Biden and then Donald Trump for a second time, the American people are being questioned by the international community about their ability to form a coherent thought. The country that brought the world freedom of speech and true power of the people over their government has fallen from grace to the onlooking … Read more
Donald Trump is quickly eclipsing his record of the most assassinated Presidents of all-time. Surviving what is now an unreachable forty-seventh attempt on this life, the President was as resolute as ever as he sat behind his desk of the same name, casually looking over his shoulder in hopes to pad his stats. “Nobody has … Read more
As the smoke from the forest fires and chem-trails settled along the bay the full spectrum of colors and disorders emerged from the thunderously loud crowd of ball worshippers there to venerate America’s favorite holiday festival – the Stupor Bowl. This year’s dialectical offering pitted New England’s favorite Patriots against the tent city hopefuls from … Read more
The political assassination of Charlie Kirk has led to an ongoing investigation into who did it and why? Speculation has ranged from the primary suspect Tyler Robinson committing the deed as a crime of passion for defending his furry-trans lover, to former ATF agents running operations for the Mormon mafia, to Israel’s Mossad as revenge … Read more
“Spilling the tea” is parlance for dishing the dirt or, more simply, gossiping about others. This pastime of women everywhere carries with it both benefits and detriments. The Good Book warns us against gossiping for fear of spreading fake news (unless one does it professionally, of course) or unfairly ruining another’s reputation. However, some amount … Read more
Despite the United States government working overtime to ensure the safety of its citizens in Israel, a recent memo from the Federal Bureau of Investigation has alerted national law enforcement about the disappearance of beleaguered financier and scientific philanthropist Jeffrey Epstein’s long awaited client list which couldn’t be kept safe even on the desk of … Read more
Recent studies by professional stupidity testers reveal what many of us have suspected for quite some time – American’s are getting stupider. National intelligence quota (IQ) testing begat around the 1930s when the rise in Nazism had many concerned that American males fond of the movement would inevitably all begin walking like geese with tiny … Read more
With June just around the corner, and the town of Hartford swelling with pride, the townsfolk are confident this year they will find the pot of gold at the end of the many rainbows adorning both field and sky. Despite record rainfall and biblical level flooding over the past four years the residents are certain … Read more
Nearly 1.4 billion Roman Catholics breathed a sigh of relief yesterday as the wait for the next Pope to be drafted concluded with the traditional signal of accomplishment as the Holy Spirit pours forth from the holy chimney courtesy of the holy smokes machine. A palpable sound of relief emitted from the onlookers as the … Read more
After waiting nearly an hour beyond the scheduled time for lift off so some of the crew members could finish getting ready for their big date with the sky, the team at Blue Origin made herstory this past week by having an all-female crew pierce the atmosphere to become only the third such gynocentric space … Read more
Vermont Attorney General Charity Clark has declared by para-executive order anyone who can provide video evidence they have vandalized a Tesla will be given a $50,000 voucher toward the vehicle of their choice redeemable at any dealership in the state to celebrate National Tesla Vandals Day. National Tesla Vandals Day won out over other popular … Read more
For nearly sixty years, the question of “who really shot JFK?” has been asked by nearly anyone with a pulse who understands basic physics and never figured out who shot JR Ewing. The official government findings were released to the public under Executive Order 11130 in 1964, known as the Warren Commission Report. This twenty-six-volume … Read more
All of the major networks ran the latest episode of Middle School America Tuesday night with this season’s blockbuster storyline centering around Trump’s latest STFU (Stop the Fraud & Usury) speech. The speech was delivered to a joint session of congress at approximately 9 p.m. EST when most of the country’s mature viewers had mercifully … Read more
Some several hundred art students and trust fund babies lined the streets of Warren, Vermont this past weekend armed with hand drawn signs and musical instruments designed to raise heck in protest of the nation’s Vice President J.D. Vance attempting to take his family on a ski trip to nearby Sugarbush Ski Resort. The crowd … Read more
The Trump administration’s recent announcement of tariffs on Canadian products had the ninnies to the north all in a tizzy as the United States ice hockey team took the Canadian national team out to the woodshed recently while in Montreal. Despite a polite warning from the announcer to respect one another’s national anthems the Canadian … Read more
Americans as a people are quite fond of balls. From the relatively tiny balls in and airplane’s ball bearings that our government will happily purchase for forty-six thousand times standard markup, to the large and incredibly private masked balls the same people who make up the government like to parade themselves about with their eyes … Read more
As Trump appointees lined up like prisoners readying for a firing squad in DC the swirling banshees came out in full force to denounce the threats to democracy and freedom, namely that of the legislators who fear they may end up in prison after not having made the Biden pardon list. Among the many red-faced … Read more
You’ve got to hand it to the several hundred Burlingtonians who braved severe climate change in order to carry hand-made handmaiden signs in a show of strong delusion that somebody still cares. The streets were lined with dirty snow and even dirtier human beings who apparently didn’t get the memo from their neighbors who are … Read more
The shocking news of yet another fire in California has been overshadowing the Cinderella story of the City of Angels slowly turning into the Isle of Lesbos. Were it not for the massive conflagration the country would not have learned about the humongous achievement of local first responders setting aside their personal safety in favor … Read more
