Two powerful entities, both with image rebranding goals, faced off yesterday as mainstream media caboose CNN took the most-popular least-popular Vice President in history to task with a grueling twenty-five minute pre-recorded sit down interview.
The show began with a highly unbiased montage of clips showing Harris and Walz standing before massive crowds holding the exact same signs creating a sea of cultural approval rivaling the stuff of 1930s Germany or modern day North Korea. The ending clip showed an ebullient Harris gleefully accepting her role as the Democratic appointee for President of “the greatest nation” she hopes to destroy.
CNN host Dana Bash, the journalistic equivalent of a Pomeranian, held sway over her two interviewees by perching herself atop what appeared to be an adult-sized child seat booster, giving her the countenance of a Masai tribeswoman in stature – so boss!
Before the fireworks could start, the mechanically spontaneous Walz started the group chat off with a round of patty-cake but was unable to convince the cast and crew to continue on to a game of Red Rover, settling for a few mindfulness breaths and affirmations before Bash launched into a series of piercing questions resembling actual journalism.
“You have received an historic nomination”, Bash reminded the woman of color, “what do you intend to do on day one of your presidency?”
After taking a thoughtful pause, the chosen one introduced she-self/her-self by pronouns, certifying her status as a woman of color sitting at the table in Atlanta’s hottest diner, Kim’s Kitchen, wearing a graphite toned pant suit. Step into yo’ power girl!
Harris then enumerated her economic policy to help the vanishing middle class by establishing a $6,000 child tax credit for families brave enough to let their babies live and want to buy things like car seats, cribs, clothes and food. With six whole thousand dollars they should be able to afford at least three out of the four.
Of course, the campaign’s new slogan, “new way forward,” in no way similar to Mao’s “Great Leap Forward’’, needed to be justified given the previous way forward the past three years included Miss Thang. So Harris reminded people how awful Donald Trump was, is, and will always be, given his evil superpowers extend to causing inflation, despite not holding office in four years, and creating division while defending himself and the January 6th brigade in and out of court, none of which are laughing matters unless you’re prone to laughing awkwardly at tragic circumstances.
As the tension mounted Bash turned her platinum gaze over to Walz and asked him to defend his military record which had been called into question as “stolen valor”, at which point Walz broke into an interpretive dance commemorating the brave heroes who actually went into battle and faced enemy fire from their home porches in Minnesota. There was likely not a dry eye in the room or watching from home.
Turning to the crisis at the border, Harris explained to Bash, “We have laws,” and had she been appointed border czar, or something like that, she would have demonstrated the same toughness she showed in her border state of California where she fiercely defended the right of migrants to enter legally, like all of them. Bash then shot back with lies, damned lies and statistics stating the record numbers who had crossed under the Biden administration in just the past three years, at which point Harris’ emotional support colleague Walz produced a set of Lego’s and began to construct what he called “the rainbow wall of inclusion”. If casting vision were like shooting a buck in the backwoods of Minnesota this country’s future will be mounted on the wall in no time.
Next Harris was asked how the American people could trust her given she’d changed her position on fracking right out in the open like a mining hole in the ground for everyone to see. She summoned up her best George Bush the elder and stated “unwaveringly” she would “keep her word”, which surely brought comfort to a nation familiar with American president’s ability to keep their promises.
This was followed by a series of multiple choice questions wherein Harris was allowed to peak off of Walz’ paper thanks to her status as a diversity hire, then a series of Rorschach images all strangely resembling the head of Donald Trump for which Harris’ lone response was “that’s bad”.
After a quick mandatory nap the interview resumed where Bash leapt in with her best “gotcha” question about lack of economic activity. With Jedi like precision Harris spat back “Let me be clear, as clear as I can be in terms of clarity and clearness. We have to take seriously and do what we must do to guard against the seriousness of what can be done by what we’ve already accomplished thus far to this point. By my calculation, over ten, probably a trillion….(dramatic pause)…we need to stop Donald Trump because climate change is racist.”
The force is strong in this one.
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