After the recent assassination attempt on Donald Trump’s life the odds makers in Vegas have seized on the opportunity to give the betting public a chance to predict which method will next be used by the deep state to derail his run for a second term in office.
A FOIA request by AAA (American’s Against Assassinations) to have a look at the incoming inventory for the CIA, FBI, DHS and DNC revealed a suspicious list of items being acquired by the agencies, and all of them coming from the ACME Corporation. Among them were:
- A human catapult (100:1)
- A half-dozen bat-suits (90:1)
- Five hundred pound anvil (80:1)
- A bulls-eye mat with the words “stand here” written on it (60:1)
- Rocket powered roller skates (50:1)
- A ten foot in diameter boulder with giant rubber band (40:1)
- A six foot bottle-rocket with a saddle (30:1)
- Two exploding inflatable beauty queens (20:1)
- An exploding microphone (10:1)
- Twelve pounds of banana peels (2:1)
Banana’s media reached out to the heads of each department for comment on these items and received the following formula email in response:
“The (insert department name / office here) condemns political violence in all its forms. There is no place for it in our democracy. We wish (insert hated political target’s name here) a speedy recovery and our thoughts go out to he/him/she/her/they/them/was/were/zee/zur/fee/fi/fo/fum. We thank the secret service/law enforcement/first responders for their bravery and disavow any future forms of violence successful or unsuccessful.
(Sign your name here)
Upon further inspection the AAA investigators also noted some bizarre expenses yet to be explained. Some fourteen thousand dollars was paid to the “Yosemite Sam and E. Fudd Gun Club” for “target practice”. We asked AAA spokesperson Robert J. “Bugs” Bunny why this seems unusual. He told us “Look Doc, these clowns have their own government shooting ranges, you see. Thems two guys, Sam and Fudd, are specialists. Don’t ask me how I know.”
Social media continues to be littered with conspiracy theories and independent investigations by small “non-trusted source” channels like the one run by southern gentleman F. Horn Leghorn. In a recent expose Mr. Leghorn urged his viewers “Now boy, I say boy, you have gotta have mashed potatoes for brains if you think that roof wasn’t covered because of its slope. Why that is the most ree-diculous thing I have evah heard. That roof had less pitch than Roger Clemens with no arms son!”
Even overseas channels, like the one hosted by French female security specialist Dr. Pepe Le Pew-pew, expressed incredulity at the performance of the Secret Service agents. “Assass-ee-nacions are no place for such lovely wee-mon. They are luck-ee they ducked their beaut-ee-ful heads which should have been here with me in my luv-lee get-ay-way in Par-ee!” followed by a series of smooching sounds.
Generous offers to beef up Trump’s security team have started to pour in from around the country. One came from a gentleman who is no stranger to personal security, which is why his name remains anonymous. His advice to the former president? “Go to the hood. Go get you thirty to forty, maybe fifty, of them ghetto (insert strong slanguage), excuse my French, I don’t care if they white or black, right? And on the day before you give them mugs a particular color to wear to protect you? I promise you that won’t ever happen again.” The spokesperson for Trump’s security team tells our sources they are looking into it.
Another offer from the Latino community came from one Speedy Gonzales and his head of security Slow Poke Rodriguez. Standing in solidarity with their counterparts in the hood, Mr. Gonzales responded to the offer stating “Si senor Trump. My cousin Lupe and hees familee just come to the United States and they no like Joe Biden. They can’t find no jobs and they are afraid they will get deported. They said they will give you protection if you don’t send them back home senor.” When asked how many people in his family that came to the United States under Joe Biden he told us “maybe two or three thousand senor” before shouting “Yeehaw! Andale! Andale! Arriba!” and disappearing in a cloud of dust.
On Monday the Congressional Oversight Committee held a briefing to interview Director of Secret Service Kimberly Cheetos, former head of global security for Pepsi Co., regarding the “colossal failure” of the agents assigned to protect former president Trump. Amidst calls for her resignation one congressperson asked if additional assets were assigned to Donald Trump’s detail. Director Cheetos was unable to answer however she referred to a memorandum issued by her department listing the assets given. The director noted, though the department’s budget has increased by over $1 billion dollars in the past ten years, they, like so many other American businesses, remain short staffed. Which explains why they have been forced to outsource to independent contracting firms like Paul Blart Securities, who was responsible for securing the ground around the sniper’s building, and are currently utilizing the services of one Ace Ventura Pet Detective. Aaalrighty then!
When asked if any other resources were being made available to avoid future catastrophes the director looked at her notes and mentioned the agency was particularly excited about acquiring a Uranium Pew-36 Exploding Space Modulator developed by M. T. Martian Technologies.
Our source within the Trump administration tells us the camp’s slogan MAGA has been upgraded to Meep-meep America Great Again
