The first presidential debate of 2024 between the Orange Man and the Old Man went off with all the pomp and circumstance of a game of bingo at the local senior center. Despite both candidates having a record number of voters in 2020 the hosts at CNN were unable to get any attendees to join the event likely due to the rise in Tourette’s like shouting that occurs among passersby during the fake news network’s on air reporting. Experts say this new condition is in no way linked to vaccines nor are the rise in myocarditis, pericarditis, auto-immune disorders, miscarriages, heart attacks, strokes, excess deaths, and lawsuits.
CNN super-hosts Jake Tapper and Dana Bash, who fight fake news crimes as the dynamic duo Hebrew and Shebrew, begun the evening by reminding everyone they would be exercising their freedom of the press by tightly controlling the speech of both potential leaders of the free world. If a candidate were to speak out of order they would take turns applying the Milgram switch to ensure compliance, which many say explains the speech difficulties of president Biden who’s team had been using the switch liberally in preparation for the debate.
Things got off to a slow start at the introduction as it took former vice-president Biden nearly eleven minutes to make his way to the podium followed by president Trump who made his way to the podium at his now well-worn perp-walk pace.
The first question posed by Mr. Tapper put Biden on the defensive regarding an economy that has seen prices up nearly 40% across all markets. After blaming Trump for “handing it to him” Biden reminded the listeners he was Brigadier General of Scranton, PA during World War II where he single-handedly defeated the German army invasion of the American mainland with his wingman Cornpop which created an economic boom in the “millions or billions”. Trump’s rejoinder reminded everyone his economy was “a perfect economy” and like “nothing anyone had ever seen before” and “maybe the greatest economy in the history of economies”, which sent the nation’s fact-checkers into a panic as they furiously researched world economies from the past six thousand years only to find out Trump’s claims were “mostly true”.
Asked next what either candidate will do about America’s national debt, which recently passed the thirty-four gazillion mark and leaves us paying more in interest annually than we spend on national defense, both candidates blamed the other while missing the opportunity to celebrate setting yet another record. Mr. Trump (the current record holder at $8.3 trillion) spent more than all the presidents combined from George Washington to George Bush, while Biden is on pace to break that record having spent just over $6 trillion with weekly phone calls from Volodomyr Zelenskyy and Benjamin Netanyahu expected. After discovering his feat Trump stated “that’s a lot of presidents and a lot of dead presidents, which many say makes me the greatest of all the living presidents”.
National security threats, particularly those imposed by unborn babies, who could wreak havoc on the life of a young woman ready to have lots of unprotected sex but not ready to deal with the unprotected consequences, was discussed. President Trump took credit for the overturning of Roe v. Wade back to the states while Mr. Biden took a long and winding road to discuss murderer immigrants and child molesters, with an uncanny level of detail and familiarity that was stopped abruptly by Dana Bash to the relief of everyone watching.
Much of the rest of the debate revealed the Jedi-like ability of both candidates to give answers, just not the answers you’re looking for. Curious about COVID policy? How about an explanation of how poorly the other guy is handling tax cuts. World War III on your mind? Wait til you hear about how far we can hit golf balls! This middle schoolyard fight was two Capri Suns and a nap away from being the real deal.
Speaking of real, the Real Debate was held by Robert F. Kennedy Jr. over on X where the third most popular candidate enjoyed the luxury of an audience, a free-thinking moderator and coherent thoughts supported by facts. Despite having the vocal chords of a ’68 Camaro Mr. Kennedy patiently waded through each question pointing out where the other candidates fell short, a brief review of the data and how he would be different. Kennedy, who’s father and uncle were both assassinated by the same government he hopes to lead, took issue with Joe Biden’s blatant censoring of political speech. Biden responded ironically by stating “graggamuffins…look…the fact of the matter is…liddle-dee-diddle-dee-doo!” With 11 million views on X to CNN’s 9 million views the many of the American people, unlike their presidential candidates, are speaking clearly – we’d rather take our chances on Demosthenes with brain worms.
Following the debate members of the media who had voiced unbridled excitement for Joe Biden were stunned to discover what the rest of America had been talking about since 2020. Namely, Joe Biden had both the mental acuity and physical dexterity of a Roomba, just don’t tell his wife that.
In a related story Julian Assange was freed from incarceration after reaching a plea deal with the US Government. After returning home was stunned to find another massive Wikileaks data dump revealing emails from inside the US intelligence community offering “three assassinations for the price of one” with the coupon code “NEWSOME2024” at the checkout.
