Some of the nation was in shock this past Saturday as the attempted assassination of Donald Trump reached its inevitable arrival. While delivering a speech to a crowd in Butler, Pennsylvania shots rang out sending Trump into the matrix at which point he dodged the bullet careening toward his head as if it were traveling at the speed of a D.M.V. line.
Trump’s substitute secret service team then sashayed over to the fallen president just in time to help him find his shoes before lifting him to his feet where the bloodied potentate raised his mega-fist and pumped it in the air much to the delight of the stunned crowed who began chanting “USA! USA! USA!”. Hardly a dry eye could be found on social media after as conservatives beamed with joy that their man in the ring was able to generate America’s next great moment while fake-liberals and hard-leftist wept bitterly over the near miss.
Interim President Joe Biden was asked moments after the shooting to comment to the nation whereupon he told reporters he needed to finish his Sudoku puzzles and get the facts before making an official statement. Hours later, after being briefed on the failed deep state mission, Biden held a big boy press conference and comforted the people of North Mexico stating “Dr. Ruth and I heard the tragic news and our thoughts and prayers go out to Archduke Ferdinand and his family at this time. God save the queen, man.” before waxing poetic about the time he “led the first Henry Ford Expedition to the top of Mount Everest with Richard Simmons and Henry Winkler”. Despite the apparently tall-tale, online fact checking sites listed it as “mostly true” given the president “clearly has dementia therefore he genuinely believes it to be true” which is the high-bar set for all of news media these days.
Meanwhile, in a sudden shift in online battiness, the twitter-verse was awash with conspiracy theories from people who had been making fun of conspiracy theorists for the past eight years. Trending on the site were claims the assassination attempt was staged by Trump to garner sympathy and get a bump in the polls he had been dominating since announcing his candidacy. As information about the shooter, Thomas Matthew Crooks, revealed he was a registered Republican the theorists couldn’t help but applaud the effort of the Trump administration to find a twenty-year old Act Blue and Biden donor willing to take a bullet to the head for the cause of MAGA. Still others were certain the downed dictator was using the moment to burst a fake blood capsule on to his ear consistent with the recent rise in crisis acting.
Still others noted the similarity in American presidential assassins all being radicalized, mentally-ill, white men in their twenties who, other than John Wilkes“point blank” Booth, are horrible shots. Presidents Garfield and McKinley’s assassins both needed infections to finish their work while Ronald Reagan and Teddy Roosevelt’s hit-men were lucky if they hit the broadside of a ballot box. Trump’s would be killer had been denied entry into a local gun club because of his poor shooting ability, which makes the C.I.A.’s choice all the more puzzling unless you consider Lee Harvey “banger” Oswald of who it was said by his firearms instructor “the safest place to be when Oswald was shooting was directly in front of the target”.
Much of the online criticism was aimed at recent appointee to the head of Secret Service Kimberly Cheatle. When word got out she had replaced Trump’s usual security unit with a team of recent diversity hires (re: women) America’s army of online misogynists went absolutely berserk with the top comment being “sammiches”. President Biden, famously a fan of women and plagiarism, shot back “that was one small step for women, one giant leap for womankind”.
However the president’s unemployment numbers took a massive hit as his usually sober minded and intelligent supporters decided it would be a good idea to comment publicly about their disappointment in the shooter’s failure. Luckily the administration believes those positions will be easily filled by the sea of migrants still looking for work.
On a lighter note president Trump announced at yesterday’s Republican National Convention his pick for vice president will be DJ Jazzy Vance. Vance’s claim to fame is his 2016 rap album “Hillbilly Effigy” which features hits like “America’s Hitler”, “Moral Disaster”, “Cultural Heroin” and “Douchy Celebs”. Many people believe the songs are critical of president Trump because each one was literally written about him, however Vance has assured critics the album is a “period piece” and that his direct references to Mr. Trump are allegorical. Un-huh.
When asked to respond to her new rival for vice president Kamala Harris, known for her laconic and often esoteric proverbs, looked intently into the camera before repeating the mantra “What can be, unburdened by what has been. What can be…unburdened by what has been.” We totally get it.
Also of note, the recent emails circulating among the intelligence community regarding an offer of “three assassinations for the price of one” has been removed as the offer “has now expired.”