Over one hundred and twenty colleges and universities across the United States and the world saw the planning of spontaneous protests this past month and with it the staunch capitalists at NCAA headquarters seized the opportunity to form a new sports league. The league will be named the Collegiate Radical Interscholastic Protest League (CRIPL) and will be the first ever truly trans-ed sports team endeavor by the NCAA.
Inspired by the tremendous athleticism on display by many of the protestors, NCAA officials, anticipating these protests to occur regularly every four years like the Olympics and presidential elections, anticipate three seasons of preparatory play with a national championship held quadrannually.
Early favorites among the schools clearly show an edge to the Ivy League institutions, which have been falling lately in the rankings as preferred destinations by high school students concerned about employment after college. Early odds favor Columbia, UPenn, and Dartmouth as having the talent to go the distance, while on the West Coast, UCLA has emerged after weeks of high-level civil unrest.
Boston’s Emory Board University, famed for its Cosmetology Ph.D. program, has already hit the ground marching, meeting on the greens outside the quad for daily singles. These dedicated student-athletes are up at the crack of noon to hone their skills and take their game to the next level.
Questions about funding the teams and the league have many concerned that other programs will need to be cut however, sizeable donations have already been offered to create a trust fund from which the schools will get equal compensation across the board so as to create a perfectly fair and socially equitable pay scale disallowing advantages given to larger programs. However some students anticipating a career as professional protestors argue their future hopes and dreams should not be limited.
“I’ve been protesting since I was a little kid, so I’ve always known this was my passion. I never imagined I would have the opportunity to do it for a living,” states Yale freshman Uriah Goldenspoon. Goldenspoon’s parents tell Bananas Media he was a uniquely anti-authoritarian child despite being given virtually anything and everything a child could want. Mrs. Goldenspoon recalls one summer vacation when Uriah refused to get on the plane to Cancun after throwing a stage five tantrum in the jetway upon learning he would not be flying coach with the rest of the patrons, many of whom applauded after seeing Uriah buckled into his first-class seat.
“We knew pretty early on he was likely to be an insurgent somewhere in the third world when we got a call from his teacher saying he was community organizing the other students to stage a revolt after the school refused to put in electric chargers for tricycles” Mr. Goldenspoon recounted. “We also found a stash of books under his bed when he was eight. First, it was Mao’s Little Red Book. Then we found Rules for Radicals and, finally, Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit. I’m forty-eight, and I still can hardly make out what those guys were saying. We got him a poster of Brittany Spears in a bathing suit only to have him paste a picture of Che Guevara’s head over hers. It was very concerning.”
Not concerned are Goldman’s non-student coaches, who anticipate that his ability to break through a police line with a garbage can lid is unparalleled.
“Uriah has serious quick-twitch muscles, he’s very explosive. Since the league won’t let us use actual explosives, he’s a game changer. Most of the guys we have out here are severely malnourished vegans who can barely get through the ‘hey-hey ho-ho’ chants, so we’re hoping Uriah doesn’t get picked up in the portal before the championship season. We know the comrades over at Georgetown have been courting him online with an extra-large tent and a fully-financed waterbed.”
Speaking of water beds the SEC has one school, North Georgia State, which will be headed up by a coaching legend. His simple philosophy of “ground and pound” is sure to get the attention of the more finesse driven styles of the other schools.
“I’m here to build character” states the coach who famously has a corner booth at Beef O’Brady’s where he needs help opening the door due to the number of championship rings he wears on his turning hand.
Rivals Alabama State School for the Legally Blonde have asked his coaching nemesis to captain their squad; however, they were turned down as no self-respecting southerner would be caught dead at a college protest. ‘Merica!
Many of the teams were concerned about mascots, of course, so the race for inoffensive team names was a heated one.
The NCAA pre-season top ten rankings are:
- UCLA Street Rats
- Columbia Counter-Insurgents
- U Penn Pennophiles
- Dartmouth Big Green New Dealers
- North Georgia State Notaries
- Cal-Berkeley Commissars
- Portland State Queers
- Evergreen State Sociopaths
- University of Chicago Community Organizers
- (tie) University of Delaware Dispensers
- (tie) University of Texas Tackling Trannies
