The long awaited Disney production of Kamala Harris vs. Donald Trump finally hit the tiny screen on Wednesday as a nation of non-binary idiots gazed into their surveillance devices waiting to be told by millionaires which binary choice will be taking their money for the next four years.
The quality of the production was top notch as the intro-music, an up tempo violin ensemble, was eerily reminiscent of a slasher film foretelling the attempted murder of the nation’s highest political office that was about to take place.
ABC’s (Anyone But Conservatives) Globalist News Tonight donated their two thoroughbreds as hosts. The swarthy David Muir, fresh off of blue steel surgery, sat next to a slightly more baritone Linsey Davis who was recently diagnosed with voice immodulation syndrome, the poor thing.
Keeping up appearances, the two hated enemies who were meeting in person for the first time, exchanged a handshake with all the warmth and charm of a beach getaway in Greenland. The moderators then laid out the ground rules: absolutely no biting, kicking, or eye gouging will be tolerated. Lying, back biting, pivoting, gaslighting, rambling, insulting and obfuscating were all fair game. May the best man or person who identifies as a woman win!
The inescapable and surgically transfixed gaze of Muir shot over to Vice President Harris as he asked her to tell Americans if they were better off now than when she and her boss (who was unable to attend as he is in the middle of breaking the world record for most vacation days by a world leader) than when they stole the election. Taking a moment to receive her answer from her Tiffany ear-pod pearl earrings she deftly danced around the yes or no question by offering a brief history of her travels from middle income to sitting in the most prestigious mansion in the land. The highly relatable Cinderella story offered hope to a nation of rednecks debating whether to pay their mortgages or phone bills this month. She then reminded everyone her opponent Mr. Trump caused the Great Depression, the Spanish Flu pandemic, both world wars and will likely start World War III, also to be aired by Disney, if he is democratically elected.
Fresh off of being shot in the head the beleaguered wannabe dictator responded by defending his nearly perfect economy and handling of COVID by referring Americans to compare their agendas for the fiscal future. His twenty-point plan, not to be confused with the 2025 project, enumerates key vectors of change while hers was inspired by cutting and pasting from his which she named “Run Spot Run”, a prescient title given the next segment of the debate would address the danger currently facing the pet population in Ohio.
Still focusing on the economy the almost forty-sixth president of the United States related a recent story emerging from Springfield, Ohio where rumors were flying about local animals being eaten by Haitians who had escaped the poorest nation in the west thanks to the Clinton Foundation. “They’re eating the dogs” bellowed the apoplectic Trump while Mrs. Harris nearly burst her carotid artery holding back what appeared to be a super-cackle. Several reports have emerged from Springfield where locals describe eye witness accounts of animals hanging from trees and pigs heads in local parks. However Muir and Davis, both professional fact-checkers, debunked the claims in real-time protecting the dignity of Haitians who everyone knows don’t eat cats, they eat people.
Of course no debate would be worth watching without the brief foray into petty bickering about crowd comparisons, because despite what your mama told you, size matters. Utilizing the clear strategy of “triggering” the crafty Mrs. Harris summoned both Satan and her skills as a prosecutor to hit the Don where he feels it most, in the ego. Stating people are leaving his rallies early out of boredom (or fear of being shot), the great orange orator took the bait like a stray cat in Springfield proceeding to exchange insults as if they were fighting over whose turn it was next on the monkey-pox bars.
Kamala’s bridesmaid, who also produces the ABC segment, called for a commercial timeout so Americans could catch up on the latest Pfizer product line, before returning to argue about who the Russian leader Vladimir Putin likes more – Trump or Harris. Ever the people pleasing host Mr. Trump waxed romantic about his adoration for the former KGB agent who only has eyes for Kamala after publicly endorsing her earlier in the week. However the guardian of glasnost would have to get in line as Harris also garnered sweet nothings from both Darth Cheney and childless cat-lady Taylor Swift who’s contractual obligation to date Kansas City Chief star tight-end Travis Kelce ends later this year. When asked why he preferred Kamala Putin responded by stating “there are very fine people on both sides of the uniparty”. Wink-wink, say no more.
The overriding message from both candidates is the country will be destroyed one way or another, which by the looks of it may be the only prediction either made that is certain to come true. Team Harris moderators Muir and Davis both drew the conversation back to what can the American people expect from either a Trump or Harris presidency? Mr. Trump reiterated his goals to create the greatest mass deportation since the nation of Israel was kicked out by the Egyptians. Harris, expressing deep concern for the price gouging and rise of every day cost of groceries, promised the American people they are entitled to have a cat in every pot.
After the debate the nation of childless cat ladies and catless child ladies were polled asking who they thought won the evening’s historic contest. These women given the right to choose between the two candidates stunned the polling world by writing in “the dogs”.
