With every presidential election year comes the ominous October surprise. However with things heating up at this week’s Democratic National Convention, the Prince of Darkness has surprised the world yet again by publicly endorsing Donald Trump, doing it of course during the hottest month in recorded history.
Banana’s Media was able to catch up to the Master of Malevolence for an exclusive interview to find out why he would turn his back on such staunch supporters as the Democrats.
When asked “Why the change of heart?” his Royal Lowness was quick to remind us even his heart is “deceptively wicked above all things, who can know it?” Clearly the Oracle of Obfuscation wasn’t going to be an easy interview.
“Donald Trump is simultaneously the most popular and least popular candidate in U.S. presidential history. Why put your throne on the line by associating yourself with such a volatile personality?”
“First of all, let me just say I love some of his work. He’s an empire builder, like yours truly, so I respect that. Secondly, the man has a gift for insulting just about anyone. Remember ‘low energy Jeb (Bush)’ and ‘little Marco Rubio’? Classics. Or what about the time he went after that ‘fat pig” Rosie O’donnel? I just about spit fire out of my nose I laughed so hard. He could take down a nun saving baby seals, this guy!”
Though seeing the Sultan of Sin gushing like a fan-boy for Donald Trump was odd, he still hadn’t answered the question about the love lost for the party of diversity, equity and inclusion. So we asked.
“Diversity, equity and inclusion, blah, blah, blah. Do you have any idea how ridiculous that is? Look, I’m all for deceiving but that one is so transparent I could make a windshield out of it for the Satan-mobile. I thought I liked it for a bit then the more I listened the more I heard the same thing over and over and over…and over. They’re about as diverse and inclusive as the White Pages. In case you haven’t heard I’m going to hell, like for eternity! I’m going to be stuck with these people forever, so I’d like to spice it up a little before my fate is sealed with these nabobs. Plus, Republican chicks are hot, so there’s that.”
You’ll get no argument here.
When asked how he felt about the Planned Parenthood van performing abortions and vasectomies outside of the DNC the Doctor of Destruction expressed dismay.
“Child sacrifices used to be a thing of beauty. I had massive statues built in my honor with lines of people bringing their children to me out in the open for everyone to see. Now they’re hiding in vans and using pills? It’s like they’re ashamed of me. Like I’ve always said, if you’re ashamed of me before men I will be ashamed of you before my demon hordes. It’s that simple.”
Hits you right in the feels.
Finally we wanted to know how the Titan of Temptation felt about Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ending his campaign for president and endorsing Donald Trump the same week as him.
“Don’t even get me started on the Kennedys. Those guys keep regenerating like gremlins. It’s like you assassinate one and three more come out of the woodwork like Keebler Elves. First his uncle, then his dad, then his cousin, now this guy? I mean, take a hint fam. Speaking of family, you know his issued a letter saying he’s an anti-vaccine whacko right?”
We did see that, yes, but we only listen to the Dead Kennedys.
