After seeing his state holding down the second worst spot in the country for economic prospects Governor Scott reached out to coach extraordinaire Ted Lasso in hopes he can work his magic to turn around Vermont’s bleak future.
Mr. Lasso is famous for taking his American football coaching skills across the pond to the United Kingdom where they play a “different kind of football”. Despite his hiring intended as a farce that would cause the team to, in his words, “flop like Lebron James cliff diving in Maui” Ted employed his endless optimism to win over his team leading them to win on the field.
Governor Scott hopes Mr. Lasso’s approach to character development as the key to creating a winning team environment will translate to the state’s economy.
Despite Mr. Lasso having no experience with government economics he and his staff are not discouraged. “If Hunter Biden can handle Ukranian energy ol’ Ted can pump some life into Vermont’s economy” says long-time assistant Coach Beard. “Ted’s got more spark than an Iranian suicide bomber” beamed the faithful assistant who is known to share his boss’s gift for meaty metaphors.
Despite his boyish joviality Mr. Lasso is taking his role as economic catalyst seriously. Not one to take opportunity for granted the ebullient coach has immersed himself in the history of economic theory.
“I tell you what, that Adam Smith had more common sense about money than a Jew with a nap-sack full of shekels” commented the coach. Despite his politically incorrect approach to economic theory his ad hoc staff remain committed to the process thanks to Lasso’s now famous admonition to “be a goldfish”. Goldfish have only a ten second memory which allows them to be the “happiest critters on the planet” thanks to their ability to quickly forget whatever bad things have occurred. This advice flies in the face of many in the state who cannot let go of past events, including as far back as two-hundred and fifty years ago when the United States still allowed slavery.
When told Vermont has a Truth and Reconciliation Commission tasked with creating reparations for current and past harm caused by the state that banned slavery in its first year of existence Coach Lasso’s responded saying “That makes about as much sense as a Vegan in a hot-dog eating contest”. Regarding slavery the iconoclastic Lasso stated proudly “I love slavery. Why? I am a slaaaave to success! You tell Harriet Tubman if her underground railroad doesn’t have stops at Jim-Dandyville and Treasure Island then I don’t want on it!”
Not everyone at the state level is convinced Lasso, who’s previous experience of leading a franchise worth approximately $250 million dollars, has the capacity to handle an entity wielding $40 billion in revenue. Lasso begs to differ.
“Ever heard of Modern Monetary Theory? I suggest you go watch Harry Potter again folks ‘cause it’s like magic – poof! You just print more money. Taste the rainbow son! We live in a time where if I want to be a woman well then touch-blue-and-make-it-true – I am now a woman. My fourth grader goes to school with a four cats and a lemur. They call them furries. You just gotta believe it. Click your heels three times Vermont cause we aint in Kansas anymore. Are we in Kansas? No, this is VER-MONT. Which if I’m not mistaken is Keebler elf for Green Mountain State. These mountains are gonna be mountains of money once I find out where you Yankees keep the printing presses! WHOO-DADDY!”
After a day of briefing Coach Lasso was surprised to discover most of Vermont’s economy is tied up in government jobs and agencies. “You’ve got more administrators than a hog’s got warts on its butt Vermont! I have never seen so many lawyers drinking out of the same trough. If I wasn’t standing smack dab in the middle of a mountain range I’d’ve thought this was the bottom of the ocean looking at that list of lawyers gaaawlee!”
When asked if he anticipated making any cuts to the bloated agencies Lasso responded with questions of his own.
“How many of these bureaucrats can run a 4.4 second forty-yard dash? Well we’re gonna find out when they all start scamperin’ to the unemployment line!”
Concerns over the new economic tsar’s approach to team building has led to state-wide protests after he stated his intentions to change the government’s policy on DEI training. Rather than diversity, equity and inclusion the firebrand coach will be basing hiring on “determination, energy and inspiration”.
“If you don’t like it, then put on a helmet, rub some maple syrup on your boo-boo and go find you a safe-space because this is Vermont. Last I checked Vermont is whiter than Moby Dick wrastlin’ Frosty the Snowman. Our color spectrum runs mostly from copy paper to cumulus cloud, so I don’t care what color you are, can you do the job?”
After a week of intensive study into the state’s economic woes Governor Scott held a press conference introducing Mr. Lasso to the press where he delivered a spine-tingling speech aimed at isolating the core of the issue.
“Look, let’s be honest Vermont. This state is bluer than a room full of Smurf’s listening to Otis Redding y’all. And I tell you what, it’s workin’ about as much as a bunch of teenagers on Tik-Tok. I have never seen so many rainbows with no pots a gold anywhere. Sure you’re woke but you’re about to go broke and despite all of these green fields I have yet to spot a leprechaun. I understand we have a progressive super majority but we’re making about as much progress as the Patriots did against the Chicago Bears back in ’85, ok? Now I’m all for retro but this communism isn’t doing it folks. We need more socialism like Bernie Sanders needs another pair of mittens. We’re looking at fourth and about a ninety-nine yards with five seconds on the clock and there ain’t enough solar power on the sun that can make socialism score us a touchdown. So less Karl Marx and more Carl’s Jr.’s is what I’m sayin’.”
Despite the deafening silence in the room the following morning Vermont’s number two sector for economic revenue, real estate, saw a 1800% jump after Lasso’s speech was aired on the New York evening news.