Allyson Renneau has 11 biological children, let’s just get that out of the way. How do I know? From her website to every article written about her it’s spoken of like it’s her last name: Allyson Renneau-eleven-biological-children. When Mrs. Superwomb isn’t parenting the next cast of cheerleading hopefuls her hobbies include going to Harvard, joining NASA, saving the Afghan girls rocket team from the Taliban and bringing porn to the Amazon. I know, the last one is a bit odd for someone who “starts her day with an energy drink and reading Joel Osteen”, but we can’t all live our best life all the time. Sorry Joel.
Now of course her stated goal was not to bring porn to the Amazon but this thirteen time world champion baton twirler has obviously never done an internet search for “baton twirling” with the safe search feature off. Otherwise she would have known the internet is made for two things: propaganda and porn.
Hi on energy drinks, ambition and the need to save people from seclusion the princess of fertility kindly donated multiple Starlink setups to the indigenous people of the Marubo tribe known mostly for living off the land and minding their own business. However, despite their ability to leap into water and spear a fish with ambidexterity they had yet to make the leap to full connectivity, that is until Allyson found out about them and decided they needed her help. Armed with an Ivy League education and a savior complex the size of a space station she brought the first world to the third world and, well, all hell broke loose.
Tribe elder Enoque said “It’s already saved lives” by allowing locals to reach out for emergency services, like the time one of the tribesman had a heart attack from walking in on one of his kids looking at BDSM videos. “When it arrived everyone was happy” explained 73 year old Tsainama Marubo “but now things have gotten worse.” By worse he means the tribe’s youth have gotten sexually aggressive spending much of their time online rather than hunting, farming and working in order to survive. “Young people have gotten lazy because of the internet” Tsainama said. “They don’t spend time with family. They’d rather be on their phones. They’re learning the ways of the white people.” Just what white people need, another tribe of colored people hating them for trying to help. Way to go Allyson.
Bananas Media sent staff to survey the development of the tribe and are sad to say the whiteness appears to be metastasizing. The village’s first Karen seems to be in the making. Karen has already instituted am and pm internet hours and was seen chewing out one fellow tribesman for leaving his ass too close to the designated yoga area. First world problems in the third world – who’s ready for the apocalypse!
However none of that was going to stop Mrs. Renneau from single-handedly saving the Afghan girls rocket team from certain beheading by repeatedly posting on Instagram her communication with the girls to get to somewhere safe – anywhere other than Afghanistan that is. Believing her heroic online messaging was the catalyst that brought the girls to freedom she was sorely rebuked by their legal representatives with a “cease and desist” letter chastising her for her litany of posts which only enlarged the target on the girls backs as they made their way to safety. This stinging “get away from us we never knew you” was only a minor setback for Allyson who is so high on Red Bull and Osteen-isms she’s like the Amy Winehouse of missionaries. Did we mention she has eleven biological children she can parent whenever she tires of playing super nanny to the world’s needy? She does. Eleven. Every one of them biological.
Another prodigious breeder with a penchant for porn is world’s wealthiest bachelor Elon Musk who’s social media company X decided to upgrade to XXX enacting a policy for the “marginalized” who are not able to “express their sexuality on other forms of media”. Really Elon? Aside from social media sites porn sites are the next largest category of the top 50 most used sites in the world. Those are some pretty big margins exxxpressing themselves sir.
Brooke Erin Duffy, associate professor of communications at Cornell University says “X is unapologetically provocative and has sought to distinguish itself from ‘brand safe’ competitors”. Kind of like Cornell has from the rest of the Ivy League when you look out your windows eh Brooke? You’ve got more tents full of co-eds on your campus than Elon has Russian bots on his platform.
Of course since Christians and sexularists are making porn great again it wouldn’t be right unless a rabbi threw his tiny hat into the ring. Rabbi Solomon Friedman, like Allyson, is on a mission. To what you ask? To save Pornhub, the 17th most visited site in the world with the help of his pals at Ethical Capital Partners (sic). Like Elon and Allyson the good rabbi has a heart for the little guys and gals who are being exploited by the oppressive world of online porn and need someone to champion them for equity’s sake. Friedman wants to “give the performers a voice” by helping them join the conversation circle centering their unmet needs as sex pots. One can only imagine the scene where a banquet hall full of porn stars, directors and producers discuss the finer points of making porn a respectable industry with paid time off, a health plan, and a 401k for that day when the back can’t take it anymore and it’s time to move on.
Jenn Clamen, national co-ordinator of the Canadian Alliance for Sex Work Law Reform, said the past problems at Pornhub have been used to malign the industry as a whole, causing one to wonder when was the industry not maligned as a hole?
“What we can only hope is that [Ethical Capital Partners] have a respect for working conditions,” Clamen told CBC. Freidman vows to offer memberships to Planet Fitness, Planned Parenthood and install cameras on site for safety. L’chaim!
Maggie MacDonald, a PhD candidate at the University of Toronto’s faculty of information who studies porn platforms, was asked to join the firm’s advisory board a few months back. Upon learning such a job exists every single internet hiring site crashed the next morning and continues to be down at of the time of publishing.
She said it’s the first time a private sector pitch convinced her, as Ethical Capital Partners impressed upon her that they have the interests of pornography workers at heart. Of course they do honey britches.
Rabbi Freidman has stated he will also be working on a new line of Kosher porn products with fellow rabbi Schmuley Boteach, both of whom are particularly jazzed about yarmulkondoms.
