October has many lovely surprises during an election year, but what better way to have an October surprise than in November?
We can all look back fondly when Richard Nixon surprised himself with multiple counts of impeachment for breaking into Waterworld with his henchmen and skinny dipping on the rides. Then there was the time Ronald Reagan surprised Jimmy Carter after shaking his hand and pretending to go into anaphylactic shock due to a peanut allergy. Who can forget when Abraham Lincoln showed up to debate Stephen Douglas wearing high heels making him nearly seven feet tall. The diminutive Douglas, barely five feet four inches in height, complained of neck problems right up until election day where he lost in a landslide winning only the appropriately nicknamed “Show Me State” of Missouri.
After two failed surprise assassinations, fourteen lawsuits, a failed attempt at house arrest and a pager that refused to blow up the Harris campaign was running out of surprises for opposing candidate Donald Trumplestilskins until this month when they released the VP’s new two volume book “My Plan”. Apparently responding to critics about a lack of policy and vision the campaign lays out a clear map for the nation.
The first chapter harkens back to Harris’ childhood which began with her being delivered under a coconut tree in Jamaica. She recalls fondly the days her mother and father would push her in her stroller alongside Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in the streets of Selma, AL when she spoke her first word “fweedom”. Harris vividly remembers a childhood trip to Tijuana, Mexico lamenting how difficult it was for people to cross in and out of the border thanks to heavy security made up exclusively of white men who were also keeping crime in her city at an annoyingly low rate.
Adolescence saw her parents file for divorce after the couple argued over who was to blame for the young Harris’ learning disability. She was diagnosed as a Compulsive Rambler. Her dad, after several failed attempts at starting a communist revolution in the states, fled to Canada which had declared itself a sanctuary nation for young Marxists and remains so til this day.
The next several chapters Harris laments her days during World War II and the rise of the Greatest Generation about which she found nothing great other than the depression. During the nation’s most severe economic collapse she was radicalized while working at McDonald’s where she fell under the tutelage of a Dr. Ira Hamburgler who took her to trade union meetings and taught her to community organize. It was there she was confronted with a group of people who would become the bane of her existence – capitalists.
Harris goes on to tell of lengthy stays at local coffee shops where she argued with the capitalists into the wee hours of the night talking herself horse trying to convince them of the foolishness of capitalism and superiority of Marxist communism, you know? Her time spent reading popular periodicals like the Wall Street Journal and Forbes exposed her to the reality that capitalists had burrowed into positions of power throughout the land and were secretly working to destroy her people, the oppressed, by forcing them to work and potentially even prosper.
Volume two takes a heated turn as it looks and finds capitalists, and even worse, Christian patriots virtually everywhere. Harris notes they have overtaken the media with misinformation and disinformation and even malinformation, which she intends to declare a felony as well as assess fifteen yards from the spot of the foul and an automatic first down.
The big and little screens have also been taken over by dirty Christian patriot capitalists who are producing propaganda at an alarming rate filled with disturbing messages about faithfulness, chastity, forgiveness and honesty intending to deceive the masses into marriage, heterosexual unions (yuck!), and the love of god. Her excursions also find them in banking, finance, non-governmental organizations, medicine, law and even the tenured professoriate. Like a virus they are replicating virtually everywhere.
Luckily she is backed by science which allows her to lay out the fundamental supremacy of the socialist man and woman compared to the lesser evolved human rats masquerading as penitent observers of religion. In a screed filled chapter Harris waxes poetically about the higher minded cultures created by the socialists with their stunning contributions to art and architecture, a surprising nod to their military conquests all while denouncing the garbage heap of humanity now identifying itself as MAGA. For her critics questioning her ability to use policy to offer solutions she leaves no doubt there is only one lasting, even final solution to the MAGA problem captured succinctly in the phrase:
“What can be unburdened by what has been, you know?”
Totes fur-sure.
The book closes with a thorough rolodexing of the people she would round up to begin the “great work” of outlawing the opposition, none of who went to Epstein Island thankfully. Also included are her plans to censor free-hate speech by taxing it, reduce criminal gun violence by taking guns away from everyone who knows how to use them, re-tool the military while also empowering them to use lethal force on Americans, pack the Supreme Court, abolish the electoral college, put MAGA supporters into work camps in Puerto Rico, and expand the use of propaganda in order to save our democracy.
What will not be a surprise is this book reaching number one on the New York Times Best Seller list which will no doubt happen since the publisher is offering free hamburgers and vaccines with proof of purchase.
