With crime in New York City exploding back to pre-Guiliani era numbers the boys in blue and cammo have been under the gun for some time as citizens have grown restless waiting for some law and order. Thankfully the opportunity came knocking like a 2 a.m. SWAT team ready to pounce.
Known fugitive and domestic terrorist P’nut the Squirrel has been successfully neutralized by authorities in a stunning raid that also saw the capture and capital punishment of his long-time partner in crime Fred the Racoon.
Responding to an anonymous tip by one Monica Keasler, who has since gone into hiding after being named for a fartwah by ISIS (International Squirrel Intelligence Squad), the Director of Law Enforcement Karen (sic) Przykiek was able to obtain a warrant from judge Richard Rich within minutes along with the blessing of Commissioner Sean Maher. The brave bureaucrats leapt into action summoning the maximum amount of police force available in the tri-county area.
At around eleven in the morning the teams of heavily armed agents surrounded the rural location where the fugitives were hiding before descending upon the crime scene with the ferocity of a blitzkrieg. Once inside, the Only Fans couple Mark and Daniela Longo, who were harboring the fugitives between filming perfectly legal adult content, were taken into custody before a full fledged battle-to-the-furry-bucked-teeth ensued. After an intense struggle, which saw both P’nut and Fred leading the officers on a high speed chase around the furniture and drapery, snipers were able to make two kill shots using fully semi-automatic assault rifles from atop the staircase.
With the top two spots now open on the FBI’s Most Wanted list, resources are being made available to guard ballot boxes and hunt down the remaining grandmothers who were spotted holding Trump flags at the capitol on January 6th, 2021.
Services for P’nut and Fred will be held on the Longo’s Only Fans page as a fundraiser for their local Humane Society.
Bananas media reached out to Governor Kathy Hochul’s office who released a statement to the public assuring the remaining 2.5 million illegally housed New Yorkers not to worry that they would still be receiving public assistance. The NYC offices for PETA were unavailable for comment at the time of publishing.
President Donald Trump re-tweeted the story on X with the caption, “This story is nuttier than squirrel sh*t!”
