A recent resurgence in womyn getting back to nature has become the hot topics on social media. Social experiments revolving around bears versus men, primal screaming and cattiness calling out in congress and commencement speeches have seen the fairer sex exposing their claws and flaws for all to see.
The age-old question of “Which would you rather run into in the woods: a random man or a random bear?” exposed us all to the death-reifying logic that is feminism. Epitomizing the term “no-brainer,” these randy tarts who claim both equality and superiority over men had an about-face when faced with being confronted by either man or beast in the forest.
Suddenly, when the option is nature’s mate or a savage animal that will rip you limb from limb, the ladies prefer the latter. One Tiktoker with the handle @Thottimami69420 explained “you can reason with a bear”. Sure you can, honey. Still others rationalized, “A bear will just kill you, not keep you in the basement for 20 years”. Which begs the question, who is saving these downstairs damsels in distress? Oh yeah, bears are when they’re not ingesting kilos of cocaine, that is.
Clearly, men have become utterly useless bags of carbon roving the wilderness, lusting after their next victim to falsely imprison. I would say these ladies need to get out more, but how can they when the outside is an open-air prison? They’re better off staying inside reading Stephen King novels or watching true crime television. As the Scouts say, be prepared.
Similarly, when asked how they felt about the options, bear spokesman Fang Paw agreed with his therapist to publicly comment. It turns out bears prefer running into men over women because “men will just kill you and use you for a rug, whereas women will rape you psychologically for years crushing your soul with their passive-aggressive and needy jaws of death.” Ok, so maybe bears can reason.
All of this role playing extreme tragedies has led still other ladies throwing caution to the wind and racing into the outdoors for some rage therapy, which unfortunately has not been very popular with local bear communities. Formerly known as primal screaming, these sessions valued at $4,000 prove women continue to overpay for things men acquire much cheaper, giving them yet another reason to scream like banshees. In fact, if there are any ladies out there looking to save a buck Banana’s Intensive Therapy & Camping Hideaway (BITCH) sessions can be had for the low-low cost of $2,000 AND we provide snacks.
Speaking of hollerin’ harpies the top Tammies in congress got into a shouting match while mired in the middle of mostly meaningful work. Congressional trouble-maker Marjorie Taylor-Greene (R-GA) thought it her place to ask an ethics question regarding serial legislation rapist Dan Goldman (D-NY) when her political opponent Miss Thang (D-TX) used the ole “are you that dumb?” baiting tactic that has worked for centuries on man and beast alike. Representative Greene did her constituents proud by immediately shining light on Miss Thang’s fake eye lashes and the hallowed hall of congress was just one baby-daddy away from prime time television. Where is Rikki Lake when you need her? After a brief shouting match in a room full of men who forgot how to control angry women the matter resolved itself with some online merchandising and some Crossfit. ‘Merica!
Lastly Kansas City Chiefs three-time Super Bowl winning kicker, Harrison Butker, kicked himself in the footballs as he went on a misogynistic ramble posing as a commencement speech. Though kickers don’t often suffer from TBI due to the league’s protective bubble rules regarding offensive players that didn’t stop this brainiac from traumatizing feminists everywhere with his offensive ideas. Apparently Mr. Butker believes in the fallacy known as “trad-wives” and proceeded to laud them for their fidelity to both husband and home. As if! This type of aggression toward career focused females and Only Fans entrepreneurs created a social media storm that has yet to die down thanks to the sudden jump in empowered women skipping the $4,000 scream-session sign-ups and exercising their first amendment right to rage into a machine. Thank god for the THOT Police.
As a result the Chiefs players rallied around their vanquished kicker who had come face to face with being cancelled by the elite army of estrogenazis. Armed with politically correct platitudes the gigantic men were ever so careful not to poke the mama bears of third wave-feminism by respecting his right to say the stupid things he said though not agreeing with him at all.
Luckily no bears were harmed as a result of all this insanity, which will likely change come August 22nd.