Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!), Author at Granite Grok

GOP Throwdown Numero Dos: A Bananalysis

September 29, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

Coming to you from the late, great state of Calexico the Republican Party held its second installment of seven people all competing for the least popular job in America. The scenic environs of the Ronald Reagan Library, where a replica of Air Force One hung as if in a perpetual state of about-to-crash, symbolic of … Read more

Bananas Exclusive: Russell Brand Raped Me – My Story

September 26, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

Just this week, it’s come out that one-time Hollywood darling turned anti-establishment psychopath Russell Brand is a serial rapist. Was a serial rapist a while back anyway. That is before he got re-married, lost his mind, and started shilling for the alt-right on the professional misinformation platform Rumble, which is around the time he raped me.

Banana’s Events Presents: First Annual Miss Upper Valley Contest

September 11, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

It’s beauty pageant season again, folks, and Banana’s Events Inc. is excited to announce the First Annual Miss Upper Valley Contest to be held October 30^th at the Elk’s Lodge on Main Street in downtown White River Junction! We are certain this will be the most diverse and inclusive pageant in all of New England.

Banana’s Guide To: Diversity, Equity and Inclusion

September 5, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

If you live in America, then surely by now you have heard about its desperate need for diversity, equity, and inclusion. Despite its historical reputation as the global melting pot and the land of equal opportunity, America has been recently outed by the really-super-smart types in colleges and universities as none of the above.

Bananas: Republican Debate Knee Deep In the Cheese State

August 25, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

Milwaukee, Wisconsin was the site of this year’s first Republican Primary Debate and the raucous crowd of cheese-loving patriots were not disappointed as the candidates squeezed plenty of cheesy moments out for them and some 13 million Americans watching from home.

Bananas: DOJ Announces New Training Efforts Following WH Cocaine Debacle

August 24, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

After a lengthy and thorough investigation of the mysterious bag of cocaine found at the White House the Department of Justice has fallen under scrutiny for their lack of success in finding either DNA or fingerprints on the contraband.

Banana’s: Pride Month To Expand To Seven-Deadly Season

August 16, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

Capitalizing on the smashing success of another month of pride the crypto-fascists at Black Rock have excitedly announced they will be sponsoring Greed Month this coming December. With the heavily commercialized holiday season (formerly Christmas) now a staple for churning out fiscal butter for the acquisition class the big players on Wall Street are certain they have a winner.

Railroad rails commuter rail original Photo by Gonzalo Facello on Unsplash

Banana’s: New Underground Railroads Emerge Along West Coast

August 8, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

Reports of a new underground railroad spiriting people from captivity on the west coast have emerged in recent days. Families, mostly white, conservative, and/or Christians, are leaving in the dead of night via a network of rural routes and safe houses.

BANANAS: CHAT-GPT Writes Sermon, Calls Vermont to Repentance

July 16, 2024July 24, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

The faithful at Rabbi Schmuley Bojangles synagogue in Woodstock, VT, were shocked this past Sabbath when they found out the sermon he delivered was not his own. After slugging out another round of expository preaching from the book of Ecclesiastes, the rabbi announced to his stunned listeners that he had committed plagiarism from the pulpit. … Read more

Bananas: FBI Announces New Elite Storm Trooper Units

June 21, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

In an attempt to stay ahead of the rapidly advancing race wars and other social unrest they’ve been planning, the F.B.I. has announced the development of two new elite units called the Storm Troopers.

Bananas: Vermont Tells America “Don’t Kill Yourself, Let Us Do It For You”

July 16, 2024June 20, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

The proverbial axiom “the only certainties in life are death and taxes” is no truer than in Vermont. Having become only the second state to pass a “right to death” bill since leftist penal colony Oregon did it back in 1994, Vermont is quickly becoming an end-of-life getaway for those wishing to fall into the … Read more

Bananas: Newsom Indicts Trump In California for J-Walking

June 13, 2023June 13, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

Fresh from a weekend retreat in Bohemian Grove, California Governor Gavin Newsom met with reporters Monday morning to announce the state will be bringing new charges against President Donald Trump. Citing state statue Vehicle Code § 21955 California’s state Attorney General Rob Bonta is confident they will be able to convict the embattled former president … Read more

Bananas: UVM To Open New Pfizer School of Sorcery

June 6, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

With a generous grant from global pharmaceutical giant Pfizer the University of Vermont announces plans to break ground this summer on a new School of Sorcery. Eager to capitalize on a generation still under the spell of Harry Potter, UVM plans to be the first to offer a Bachelors in Divination, Sorcery and Magic (BDSM). … Read more

Bananas: NAACP Honors White Supremacists for Diversity, Equity and Inclusion

May 26, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

After years of conflict and turmoil between the two racially motivated institutions the NAACP and White Supremacists have found common ground. In a stunning turn of events the NAACP recently announced it is awarding the National White Supremacy Movement for Outstanding Efforts In Diversity thanks to several unlikely heroes. 2021 saw the Los Angeles Times … Read more

Bananas Goes To Bilderberg

May 24, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

Sixty-nine dude! That’s how many of these awesome meetings of the uber elite have taken place in the last sixty-nine years and they finally had the good sense to invite yours truly – or not- I’m not supposed to say. What I can tell you is the view from my coastal chalet overseeing the Sea … Read more

Bananas: FBI Targets Extreme Catholicism With Help From Informants

May 2, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

Recently released F.B.I. documents include a memo stating concerns over “radical extremism” on the rise in Catholic churches, particularly those still observing a Latin Mass.

Bananas: Vermont Principal’s Association Reinstates MVCS Thanks To Cocaine Bear

April 8, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

You may be wondering what in the wide, wild world of sports is going on these days in women’s athletics thanks to all the gender-bending and rule-breaking, most recently right here in Vermont.

Bananas Guide To Living In A Banana Republic

March 23, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

Sic transit Gloria, as the saying goes. Nowhere is this more true than Vermont where the fading charm of being a dairy farmer’s delight, a land flowing with maple syrup and RBST free cream to help wash down your organic coffee, has been replaced by becoming a third-residence getaway for the uber-wealthy who excel at … Read more

Bananas: Dartmouth To Offer DQSH Degree

March 15, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

Reading is hard. Reading to children is even harder so it’s important you do everything to get their attention or else they might not learn good. Which explains why parents throughout the United States have sought the help of experts at getting attention – Drag Queens.

Bananas: Dear Alien Overlords

March 5, 2023March 4, 2023 Johnny Bananas (Fake News Reporter!)

Dear Alien Overlords,

Let me be the first to congratulate you on achieving intergalactic space travel! You guys (gals?) must be very excited. I can only imagine how gigantic the solar panels on your super high-end ultra-efficient alien spacecraft must be. I can’t wait to see it!