Capitalizing on the smashing success of another month of pride the crypto-fascists at Black Rock have excitedly announced they will be sponsoring Greed Month this coming December. With the heavily commercialized holiday season (formerly Christmas) now a staple for churning out fiscal butter for the acquisition class the big players on Wall Street are certain they have a winner.
Spokespersons for the month will be co-chaired by media darling Oprah Winfrey and her island jet-setting pal Bill Gates, both of who have been gobbling up land like the San Andreas Fault. We all have our faults, however some of us actually own them.
Expected in January will be Sloth Month for which we are still waiting to hear back from the long list of proposed sponsors. Calls, texts and emails have all gone out to the following candidates:
- Y-brush
- Foldimate
- Roomba
- Bemis Bio-bidet
- Hutzler 571 Banana slicer (our personal favorite)
- Lay-Z Boy (the obvious favorite)
We have yet to hear back from any of them and haven’t been able to leave messages because their inboxes are full, but we are hopeful the four month timeline to respond will be ample.
Lust Month will kick-off in February thanks to Valentine’s Day now including essentially every mammal on dry land. The kind people at Disney have generously offered a grant to fund both libraries and parades appropriately themed for all ages, races, sexes, genders and species wanting to participate. Also adjoining themselves to the celebration will be the rubber-barons over at Trojan who have worked out a cooperative crossover deal with the clan at K-Y Jelly in an effort to grease the skids for this highly controversial event. One insider tells us the campaign will use the tag-line “Why celebrate Lust Month? Answer: K-Y not?” Sassy!
March will replace St. Patrick’s Day and in favor of turning green with Envy Month. Participants in this year’s semi-exclusive soiree’s will have several entertainment options from which they will likely struggle to choose due to fear of loss. Area theater’s will be playing Fatal Attraction, the Magnificent Amberson’s, Bridesmaids and Mean Girls on rotation for the entire month. The festivities will culminate with the Envypaloooza concert series featuring Raising Cain, the Killers, Fall Out Boy and a posthumous performance of “My Best Friend’s Girl” by the Cars has been made a possibility thanks to A.I. hologram technology. Get your ticket’s now as they are going faster than your neighbor’s Tesla compared to your silly little Prius.
Next up we will see Wrath Month being spread out over April to May where April showers will bring God’s glower as Vermont will no doubt be flooded again and again until it stops supporting pedophiles, baby-killers, criminals and socialists. Fire’s will be expected to rage against the machine known as California, food manufacturing plants will continue to spontaneously combust, earthquakes, wars and rumors of wars will continue to mount like a debutante on her favorite stallion while other animals will rebel against mankind from sheer disgust at what we’ve become. Thankfully sponsors Raytheon, Halliburton, Boeing, and Lockheed Martin have incredibly deep pockets and have offered to fund both the devastation and clean up efforts for a reasonable fee.
Finally we can satiate our exhausted bodies with a big ol’ heap of Gluttony Month in May. Chik Fil-A, McDonald’s, Burger King and Taco Bell will be offering all you can eat menus. The Mars Company has generously taken up the call to provide Super Deluxe King Size Ginormous Bars and other snacks, while Starbucks will offer the GluMo Ultra-Mega Venti with 7-11 matching the call to corporate corpulence with the 144 oz. Painfully Big Gulp to slake those slovenly thirsts. Schools will echo the spirit by teaching children fat is fun and body shaming is a hate crime so don’t be one of those white supremacist fitness freaks or you’ll end up like your uncle Jimmy who likes to flash his abs at Trump rallies. If you want to show your body parts in public you’ll have to wait til next month like the rest of us.
