Dear Alien Overlords,
Let me be the first to congratulate you on achieving intergalactic space travel! You guys (gals?) must be very excited. I can only imagine how gigantic the solar panels on your super high-end ultra-efficient alien spacecraft must be. I can’t wait to see it!
Please tell me you’ll be giving rides.
I’m sure you were all incredibly eager to find another planet with intelligent life on it. Which brings me to what do you consider “intelligent”? I hate to disappoint, but your idea of intelligence is probably quite different than what you will find here on Earth. Maybe fifty or so years ago we would have been worth the trip. However, SAT scores have plummeted, leaving our current generation still struggling to calculate two plus two (most of us know it’s four but many of these young idiots think it’s five – seriously). It’s a shame you came all this way and spent all those light years just to find out we’re no longer the cat’s meow. I don’t know what it’s like on your planet but we humans go through cycles, you see. It’s just bad timing. I’m sure in a couple millennia we’ll be right back on top, behind you gals (guys?) of course.
Now I understand you don’t want to give up that easily, as overlords, why would you? I can imagine we have all kinds of appeal as slave labor. However, you are not going to find very many people willing to show up for slavery. We can’t even get them to work at McDonald’s for $18/hour, so I’m not sure how you’re going to get them to bother at whatever you’re planning to not pay them to do. At least here in America, that is, also, try not to use the word slave. Americans are very sensitive to that. The preferred nomenclature is “colonized laborer”.
We still have lots of slaves, though. In fact, we currently have the most in all of Earth’s history. Mostly for sex – please don’t ask me to explain. If you really need slaves, I suggest you head on over to North Korea and see if you can’t work a deal with their head honcho Kim, who, despite the name and appearance, is a man. He has plenty of slave labor; just ask the Chinese, who also would likely be willing to loan you out a couple thousand, maybe even a few million, slaves. If not, I suggest you try the Middle East or Africa. Very reasonably priced slaves to be found there.
You’re also probably going to hear a lot about “climate change” and get some mean looks from people for flying around in your craft as if you’re adding to the problem. Don’t worry; you’re not. As I’m sure is the case on your planet the climate changing is nothing new, in fact a climate changing is its central characteristic. You have to understand, despite what you might have heard around the galaxy about “evolution” on our planet we have managed to get dumber and weaker as a race, which explains how we come up with things to be unrealistically terrified about, like climate change. We’re also scared of cars, insults, balloons, each other, our feelings, being alone, face-to-face conversations, responsibilities, babies, telling the truth, Republicans, Democrats, and a guy named Donald Trump. It’s quite embarrassing, really.
This brings me to my next point…you will notice there’s a large number of younger humans who have difficulty identifying as either male or female. We also have men who want to be women and women who want to be men, and a whole other group who don’t even know what a woman is. No, really, they can’t even answer that basic question. This is what’s known as a mental health crisis, and we’re still waiting for it to pass. They’re big on flags and pronouns (I’d explain, but you don’t have the time, not even in light years). We ask that you just play along so as not to hurt their feelings. They may have failed biology and English, but they are incredibly in touch with their feelings, so, please be considerate.
Speaking of weirdos, we have a group of people who are serious control freaks. I mean LOVE it. In fact, they have nothing better to do than makeup scenarios like, get this, faking an alien invasion so they can incorporate a one-world government. The chances of you guys showing up at the same time they want to do this is like once in a blue beam! Talk about awful timing on your part.
Before you go we do have a group of people who very seriously feel like they are able to run the galaxy. Lucky you they are all together in Dubai (also the Middle East) right now at the World Government Summit this very week! What…are…the…odds of that, right!?! These folks are some real self-starters who are very ambitious and would be an asset wherever they go. They are deeply concerned we have too many people on this planet, and, as far as they are concerned, the rest of us agree. So, on behalf of my fellow Earthlings, we would like to offer them as a lovely parting gift for taking so much of your time to come all this way. Seriously, feel free to take as many as you’d like. Especially ask for Klaus and Bill. Klaus comes with, as the kids like to say, a totally lit intergalactic wardrobe, so he will fight right in. Bill is big on viruses so don’t be surprised if he tries to vaccinate your entire crew. He means well.
Also, you’re probably wondering who Brandon is. He’s a joke in every sense of the word, so don’t waste your time.
In conclusion, it’s been lovely having you stop by, and we’re sorry we weren’t more hospitable however we have quite a few in-house issues we’re working out. If you want to circle back around in a few millennia, I’m sure we’ll have had it sorted by then, and if you’re ever in Vermont, please do look me up, and we’ll find a nice diner for some flap jacks and real maple syrup, not that crap you guys (gals?) are being served on other planets.
Til next time,
John K. Bananas
(P.S. Maybe you can settle this before you go: Pluto, planet, or no?)