Sixty-nine dude! That’s how many of these awesome meetings of the uber elite have taken place in the last sixty-nine years and they finally had the good sense to invite yours truly – or not- I’m not supposed to say. What I can tell you is the view from my coastal chalet overseeing the Sea of Straw here in Lisbon is almost as beautiful as the (ahem) “eighteen” year-old standing at my door. Some perks are perkier than others, if you know what I mean. But hey, when you’re as important as me and the rest of these Illuminati members, relaxation and self-care are critical to making good choices for you poor sods and your future. Global conspiracies are not as easy as they sound.
After my morning rub-down and a hearty breakfast of glazed oxen strips served with a lovely pate foie gras filled omelet made from albino ostrich eggs and some Tibetan sea salt encrusted biscotti, it’s off to build “the Berg” for the next few years. That’s what we select members call it anyway – “the Berg”- you know, like an iceberg? Because you can only see enough of it to know it’s there, but you can’t see the bulk of it that is so big and powerful it could destroy an otherwise indestructible ship, like your country. My Gawd are we clever! I suppose you had to be there, but of course you can’t be because you are you and we are us and that’s just the way it is.
My first meeting of the day is about A.I. (artificial intelligence for the uninitiated – that’s you) where I’m told I get to meet and take a picture with Chat GPT (it/that). I brought my Chatty Cathy doll hoping I could get him or Governor Stacey Abrams to sign it as a memento along the with the monogrammed towels and bathrobe I got from Mr. Kissinger. Old Hanky Panky really knows how to let his hair down after hours. He was telling us last night about how he convinced Dick (President Richard Nixon) to get the Chinese to open up their markets so we could slow down the U.S. economy and make the world more “equitable”. That and he still glows as he talks about how he got us into the Vietnam War and secured the golden triangle for the C.I.A. – what a lark! The Jews are so lucky to have him.
The late morning meeting on energy transition sounds like a fun one. Long tall Sally Benson from Stanford was telling me how much she loves riding around in her new Tesla Platinum Series model, which drives her to work so she can binge watch The Royals. This made me green with eco-friendly envy since I had to rent a Prius this week. She started going on and on about how she “studies technologies and pathways to reducing greenhouse gas emissions including geologic storage of CO2 in deep underground formations and energy systems analysis for a low-carbon future” blah-blah-blah, so I reminded her C02 is “what plants crave”. She didn’t get it.
At lunch I sat down with my hero Albert Bourla, the CEO of Pfizer! He told me I could call him “Al” and I said he could call me Betty. He didn’t get it either. I congratulated him on the massive success he had with the COVID vaccines and thanked him for putting together so many boosters since I kept getting COVID after my first shot. We talked about all of the new ways people were getting died suddenly and the strange timing of it these stupid conspiracy theorists kept trying to blame on the vaccines. We were so engrossed we didn’t see our waiter clutching his chest as he came out of the kitchen and collapsed right next to Peter Theil and Eric Schmidt – amazing – I thought I was in the metaverse for a second! Talk about two powerhouses of tech! It’s too bad that waiter died before he could ask Pete about how to live forever.
The early afternoon meeting on fiscal challenges and banking was short lived since we all have so much money we don’t have to worry about either. Rather than listen to a speech from Ashley Tellis from the Carnegie Endowment, we all just laughed and laughed until we got tired of laughing at how poor the rest of the losers in the world are and then broke for coffee infused with adrenochrome to keep from hitting the early afternoon wall. “Some of us are more endowed than others” I said while pointing to my Banana hat. Finally they got it.
Later that afternoon we talked about China and Russia and Ukraine so much I thought I was watching CNN. Sadly Anderson Cooper couldn’t make it to this year’s meeting, so we took a short break to stare and scream at a picture of Donald Trump for two-minutes or so, which we’re told dilates the nasal passages and increases the likelihood of being invited back, and then finished with some chatter about how to influence America’s leadership using the new “tools of democracy”, which was sponsored by Pfizer and Dominion Voting Machines. It was all very inspiring.
I am happy to say I’ve been invited to the Bohemian Grove later in the summer, which I hear is a similar gathering and great place to gather fagots for camping. I can hardly wait.
