Recently released F.B.I. documents include a memo stating concerns over “radical extremism” on the rise in Catholic churches, particularly those still observing a Latin Mass.
Several churches in Virginia, North Carolina, and Texas have all reported seeing dark-colored SUVs with heavily tinted windows and men driving with laptops through the church parking lots.
“I knew it wasn’t one of ours because it was tinted but not chopped, essay. We don’t have anyone driving a stock SUV at this church, homes. The driver was a gringo too, vato ” explained one parishioner who asked to remain anonymous until his immigration status is legal.
A cursory search of the terms “essay” “homes” and “vato” by Bananas Media staff found these are Latin slang terms. However, they were not on the F.B.I. list of terms used by extremists.
Earlier in the month, a whistleblower inside the bureau leaked top secret documents indicating the agency has been working with prominent preachers around the country in hopes of targeting and stopping the rise of this new wave of old-timey Christianity.
One member of the mock-frock, using the alias Jose Osteen, explained their concern.
“We’re afraid people are going to start reading their Bibles instead of going to church, and if they can read Latin, they might even be able to understand the original meaning.”
This raises serious financial concerns for America’s thriving prosperity gospel-teaching churches which rely on keeping parishioners ignorant of sound doctrine.
“The Catholic church had its most prosperous years when the masses couldn’t read. We’re just looking out for the good of the church,” explains fellow prosperity teacher Creflo Dollar (pronounced “doll-ah”) from inside the cockpit of one of his church’s six private airplanes.
Though church attendance is down nationwide, thanks in large part to a combination of factors such as online services, government COVID mandates to keep churches closed, lack of Biblical literacy, and a sharp rise in the seven deadly sins gaining cultural popularity, the faithful remain faithful.
“We ain’t scared of no protests. We already survived that like 500 years ago, homes,” exclaims St. Louis Juan Ortega Jackson holding up a copy of Martin Luther’s 95 Theses. For those who haven’t read the protestant playbook, once titled “Rules for Catholic Radicals,” it included such controversial calls to activism as “change the communion wine to grape juice and the bread to some kind of stale cracker,” “put women with short hair in the pulpit”, “give churches pagan names like boulder-stone and tree-branch” and “play the music really loud.” This playbook would later be adapted by such notable communists as Vladimir Lenin, Saul Alinsky, and MSNBC host Chris Hayes.
“Christians are the original protestors. We been on that!” states expert humble-braggart Steven Furtick. Furtick is perhaps best known for developing a system of worship that includes organized parking structures, catchy color schemes, and non-descript building styles and is credited with the new preaching style known as “narcigesis.” Fans of his work cite his $1.7 million dollar parsonage and multiple best-selling Christian albums.
The F.B.I. has yet to respond with an official statement regarding this leak. However, they did share a copy of the updated list of terms they are flagging online and in social media that indicate potential extremism. They include:
- Based
- Red-pilled, blue-pilled, white-pilled, black-pilled, grey-pilled and My Pillow
- Imago Dei
- Freedom
- Free speech
- The First Amendment, the Second Amendment, the other amendments
- The Bill of Rights, The Bill of Wrongs
- Taco Tuesday
- Jesus (pronounced “gee-zus”)
The agency asks anyone who sees these terms used to contact them at 1-800-RAT-FINK.
