Reading is hard. Reading to children is even harder so it’s important you do everything to get their attention or else they might not learn good. Which explains why parents throughout the United States have sought the help of experts at getting attention – Drag Queens.
With the national reading scores plummeting as a result of children struggling to breathe and trust normal looking adults who forced them to wear masks when it wasn’t Halloween, children have continued to tank in the classroom. Luckily the experts at the new Dartmouth University Master’s of Bachelors (DUMB) program were ahead of the problem.
“After we quit letting Asians and Jews into our program we knew we had to keep up because they could read so much more better than we does” said DUMB chairperson Twinkly O’Flannel (xe/xer).
The program reached a low last year when both their spelling and debate teams took last place in pursuit of the coveted Poison Ivy Cup.
The DUMB Spellers became the first team in history to fail to spell a single word correctly including a merciful offering from the judges to simply spell “the”.
“How was I supposed to know ‘the’ has a silent ‘t’ in it?” barked incredulous team captain Michaela Squarepants (wee/were) as she stormed off the stage.
Hoping to salvage the program’s reputation the DUMB Debaters were optimistic only to set a record for fewest points ever in a Poison Ivy League (PIL) event narrowly missing a perfect zero thanks to sixth-year senior Ho Tran spelling she/her name correctly. In a now legendary debate the DUMB team was beaten handily by opponents from Princeton over the resolution “Women Should Get Equal Pay” after running out of time trying to figure out what a woman is.
In a stroke of DUMB luck the teams met afterward to console themselves over dinner and indulge in some rage drinking when they accidentally walked into the Flesh Palace Bar & Grille mistaking the sign for a seafood restaurant. Needing help ordering from the menu they were stunned to learn the staff made up entirely of Drag Queens could read despite having their faces covered with a pound of make-up and four-inch fake eyelashes.
A partnership was born.
Soon the DUMB faculty members were consulting area Drag Queens to discover what motivates them to read so good.
“We really love children – a lot. I mean A-LOT!” confessed Her Royal Shyness Queen Subtlety (queen/queer). Her Royal Shyness developed her love of reading as a child growing up in a commune started by excommunicated communist priests in North Hartland, Vermont. Her Shyness tells us this little slice of heathen heaven even garnered some overnight stays from future senator Bernie Sanders where he regaled them with stories of a Utopia where everything was shared in common including spouses.
Surprisingly most Drag Queens hold degrees in English Literature for this very reason. Seizing the opportunity DUMB was excited to announce their new diversity hires Cheyenne Wymoaning, Foo Foo Lamar, Heidi N Closet, Jaime A Le’enfants who will serve as Board of Directors for the new Creative Reading Academy for Pedagogy (CRAP). The stated mission for the CRAP board is to “create safe spaces for performers to interact with high risk and at-need children currently struggling at home with reading”.
One local state prosecutor however is concerned. “Their mission statement is essentially describing what pedophiles look for to find child victims, almost word for word, they just added ‘reading’.”
Asked to respond to this claim board member Cheyenne Wymoaning retorted “To-may-to, to-mah-to” while pulling on her fishnet body-stocking.
So far the program has been a hit with area Libraries scheduling Drag Queen Story Hours throughout the Upper Valley. Dartmouth Publishing is also excited to announce production of DUMB’s new children’s books series:
ABC’s for LGB’s, Tommy’s Three Mommy’s, and I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus.
