It’s been said “if you’re not in a cult by now you’re crazy”. The chances are you’re already in one and don’t even know it, which is the sign of a well-run cult, so congratulations. Most people wouldn’t stick around in a cult if in fact they knew they had been hoodwinked into involuntary membership.
However, the loneliness and insecurity of not being in a cult when nearly everyone else in the known world has taken the plunge can leave you feeling like an outsider. Luckily, Bananas Research Inc. has done the heavy lifting to help you find the right cult for you!
Any cult worth its kool-aid will have one or more of the following key features:
- Sex – lots of sex with lots of people, usually with the charismatic leader
- Money – lots of money flowing through the cult, usually to the charismatic leader
- Death – lots of death or focus on climactic death, usually with the charismatic leader
- Drugs – lots of drugs for making money and having sex, usually with the charismatic leader
- Secrets – lots of them, typically yours being kept by the charismatic leader
- Science – we all know you need to follow the science, especially the kind taught by a charismatic leader
- Aliens – because aliens can make up for a leader lacking in charisma
Joining a cult that doesn’t feature heavily in one or all of these is like going to public school for a well-rounded education – a complete waste of your time.
History tells us cults emerged out of man’s need for purpose, belonging, and power (and sex). The earliest known cult was discovered in the area known as Meso-California, where ancient hieroglyphs indicate a multi-level marketing scheme was hatched by a very charismatic man named Jeh-Bull-She’e’ter who convinced the locals he was an alien-god and would reveal the secrets of the universe for the low-low price of six sheep, a tusk and their virgin daughters. Archaeologists have confirmed his followers all agreed to commit mass suicide by jumping off a high cliff, believing they would be teleported into the waiting mother ship if they were holding hands. The lone survivor was a guy named Derek, who failed to make the leap after seeing his sandal needed tying, only to watch his fellow cult members plunge to their demise. Way to go, Derek. Jeh-Bull-She’e’ter, however, would buy his silence with select members of his new harem, mostly sheep, and the fast-moving world of cults was born.
Today there are more cults than there are people not in one. Choosing a cult can be very difficult because cults work better when they choose you. So if you are a hapless loner in search of meaning and a group of people ready to love-bomb you until you’re ready to give them your life and life savings, don’t mess it up by asking, “Are you a cult?” Not only will this preclude you from membership, but it will deeply offend the members and likely get you blacklisted from ever being invited to their pagan festivals. Play it cool.
The secret to getting into a top-level cult is to make yourself appear lost and vulnerable. It also helps to be young and naïve, so child-like that you may in fact be a child. Start early, or as the Shwim-Shwarma says, “the early bird gets the magic worm of destiny”. Cults do their best work on the young and dumb, which brings us back to public schools. Public, and even many private schools, are a virtual hotbed of cult recruitment locales. Already graduated? Fear not lone stranger! You can still gain entry into many reputable cults by virtue of having your child grandfather you in by simply enrolling them into the neighborhood indoctrination center. Willingness to sacrifice one or all of your children will show the cult you are the kind of deeply committed dummy who is in it for the long haul.
Day one in the cult will be exhilarating at first but quite tiring by the end. This is necessary to draw down your defenses creating the requisite fatigue in order to give your brain a good washing. Though you may be dying for food or sleep, it’s important to know those are for losers who don’t understand the true meaning of life is a super-spiritual denial of necessities so you can support the needs of the charismatic leader who is your direct connection to god. If your charismatic leader doesn’t have god on speed dial like a true BFF, it’s time to switch cults and fast.
I regress.
Back to brainwashing. Why have your brain washed, you ask? Have you seen your brain? You know it’s filthy, we all know its filthy, just like everyone else’s, which is why it needs washed. If this is your first time in a cult, you have only ever experienced the same mass programming as the rest of the world, so you’ll need a serious scrubbing to wipe the slate clean. This gets it ready for your new cult masters to create the proper bond that will keep you devoted to the cult mission. This is very important! If you think you’re joining a cult and they don’t have the decency to wash your brain get out! You’re about to sell Amway or supplements and those won’t get you to the penthouse at the top of New Heaven. (Not to worry, no one will actually touch your brain, but it will be wiped clean of all undesirables.)
Big words bother you? Of course, they do you tool of the enemy you! In order to understand your role in the cult, you’ll need to misunderstand your role in society. Big, confusing words will help you help yourself away from the mal-initiated proletarian masses. You can’t join the cult without first unjoining yourself from the problem, which is the false system you’re being rescued from. Which false system, you ask? They’re all false! Don’t you get it? You’ve been born into the wrong body and/or wrong family and/or wrong country and/or wrong religion and/or the wrong side of history. All roads lead to hell, except for the one built by the super-geniuses running your new cult, of course. Family, liberal democracies, capitalism, whiteness, racists, gender assignments, fake religion, true religion, and all those other people with God-given rights and freedoms are all trying to keep you back from ascending to the true utopianization of conscience you were made for. Duh! Learn the lingo, fam. If you don’t find yourself repeating the same thought-terminating clichés the rest of the members do, you will find yourself back in the godless society that had you trapped in the first place. You want to be included, don’t you? Inclusion is everything to a well-oiled and highly performing cult where the diversity of members creates equity for all. Repeat after me – diversity, inclusion, and equity make you free. DIVERSITY, INCLUSION, AND EQUITY MAKE YOU FREE! Again! Again! One more time! I can’t HEAR you!
There, there now. Don’t you feel better? We do. 
Now it is important to note the continuum of cult hierarchy so that you don’t bite off more than you can chew. We suggest you start small with a quasi-cult before going on to the big time. Here are a few entry-level cults to get your un-baptized feet wet:
| · Sour dough club | · Cross-fit |
| · Quilting club | · Essential oils |
| · Vegetarianism (the portal to Veganism) | · The Church of the Sub-Genius |
Once you’ve gained the insights on how cults function you can move up to the show and join:
So there it is! The Bananas Guide to Joining A Cult will have you swallowed up by an amorphous mass of bot-people in no-time. Now go to it!
(We would be happy to tell you that you have what it takes, but you don’t. That’s why you need to join a cult silly!)
