All of the major networks ran the latest episode of Middle School America Tuesday night with this season’s blockbuster storyline centering around Trump’s latest STFU (Stop the Fraud & Usury) speech. The speech was delivered to a joint session of congress at approximately 9 p.m. EST when most of the country’s mature viewers had mercifully gone to bed.
Feeling like a Temu version of the Academy Awards the ceremonies kicked off with a bang as a deep fake version of Melania Trump sashayed down the balcony stairs to her seat followed by the blaring of trumpets to announce the presence of King Trump who glad-handed his way to the podium, sadly finding no babies to kiss other than a few congresspersons. CNN’s corporate lip reader noted Trump comforting the representatives who were up past their bed-time “There, there, now. STFU, it will be over soon.”
Texas congressman and Grammy Award winner Al Green opened with a hearty rendition of God Bless America before being roundly booed and told to STFU by his democratic colleagues. He then broke into his classic “I Can’t Get Next To You” before being escorted out by the Surgeon of Generals and sent to time out. As the elder statesmen was being drug out by his cane a conciliatory chorus of “Na-na-nah-nah, hey, hey, hey, goo-ood-byyye!” broke out from the Republican section epitomizing the American spirit of a high school basketball game among rivals. Rep’s Marjorie Trailer Swift and Laura Boobert could be seen waving their MAGA red pom-poms before returning to their seats.
However the Democratic Party was not to be outdone as mere minutes into his speech several of the defiant policy makers got up and walked out on the tax payer’s dime in protest after not having protested anything since they got the bill for their eggs Benedict at brunch. A cagey Trump commented “I hope they’re going to get some work done. Not likely!” as the cameras panned to the lobby where they could be seen receiving cash payments from their AIPAC handlers.
The President’s speech touched on many of the day’s hot topics starting with the Department of Government Excesses (DOGE) which is being run by eccentric African American billionaire Elon Musk whose raison d’etre is to save American’s money so we can put it toward more important things like planting a flag on Mars. Mars, like most state houses, is currently uninhabitable, while also luckily yet to be colonized by whitey’s, however Musk believes in the mission and is willing to spend several hundred billion dollars in taxpayer subsidies to start the process he’s begun here on Earth fathering his fifteenth child by sixteen women to date.
The speech then turned to Trump’s recent executive order to ban men from playing in women’s sports that also saw a bill make its way through congress only to be stopped in the senate by the men who got into politics so they could use women’s bathrooms. Many of the female (sic) Democrats unironically donned pink blazers to symbolize their role in this victory over a woman’s right to choose what to do with their bodies in private spaces, while others wore white symbolic of a woman’s chastity which they would be discussing later that evening on their Only Fans channels.
After insulting the nation of Lesothuiana and Senator Pocahontas the President introduced some distinguished guests. One of them a 13-year-old boy named DJ Daniel who’d been diagnosed with brain cancer in 2018. After wearing a policeman’s outfit to school the boy’s story went viral as footage of other students who had been told by their teachers about the importance of defunding the police were seen bullying young DJ. After a standing ovation by the Democrats for the student bullies they sat quietly as he was given honorary membership into the Secret Service by one of its remaining white guys. The appreciative DJ reached out from his father’s arms to embrace the agent and was met with applause from Republicans and weeping from Democrats who were distraught over the blatant act of anti-racism.
The meeting then turned to an auction where President Trump listed out the many government buildings up for sale. Republicans were outbid by Democrats who held up pre-made signs amounting to a coup for the champions of USAID funding. The buildings are currently being used as a staging ground for hiding illegal immigrants the lawmakers will need in 2026 if they want to win their jobs back.
Also given honoraria were the family of illegal migrant murder victim Laken Riley, Marc Fogel who was recently released from colluding with the Russians, the family of Corey Comperatore slain during one of the many Trump assassination attempts, and Payton McManning who was knocked unconscious by a transgender athlete during a volleyball game. Despite the heart-warming nature of their stories the Democrats in attendance remained so unmoved it appeared to be the largest and longest glitch in the matrix caught on live television.
As the president waxed philosophical about his plans to build a Trump Gaza Resort it was clear he was aiming to break the record for longest speech before congress that was not a filibuster. The defiant Democrats decided to take their bawl and go home rather than be party to such a monumental occasion. Many of them met for their party’s response speech given by Rep. Elissa Slotkin who read them a night-night book about how to transition your toddler.
The speech would go on to break the record ending after an hour and forty minutes at which point most of those in attendance were given an exit poll about their thoughts on the president’s performance with the most popular answer being a question of whether or not he would ever STFU.
