And then there were four… The Republican national championship has been whittled down to its final four competitors, and not without controversy.
Despite having an undefeated polling season and walking away with gigantic lead after gigantic lead, Donald Trump was nowhere to be found as the season-ending playoff among GOP hopefuls saw four candidates all having at least one loss on their record – they weren’t Donald Trump.
Sweet home Alabama was the site for this last and almost best brouhaha, where the crimson tidal wave crashed on the stage like the 2022 election season. Both contestants and moderators brought their A games, but in a country with the educational standards of a Mad-lib an A just isn’t what it used to be.
Hosting the event was media upstart News Nation, which, like the debate stage, has become a clearing house for also-rans. Elizabeth Vargas, Megyn Kelly, and Eliana Johnson were the moderators, and these fiery vixens had carefully crafted questions intending to evoke the highest in journalistic inquiry since the nation was confronted with that timeless query, “What is a woman”? Don’t bother asking these ladies because manning up was the soup du jour as two of the three men on the stage set out to make misogyny great again!
Megyn Kelly began the interlocution by suggesting one of them had the chance to become “leader of the free world” if only they could overcome a fifty-point deficit held by Grand Wizard Trump, who CNN and MSNBC reported was either harassing the next Miss Universe or holding another MAGA Klan Rally. At this point what difference does it make, right Hillary?
Fixing her gaze on Florida Governor Ron Desantis, she reminded him he was trailing the aspiring dictator even in his home state of Florida. Desantis quickly retorted by listing off the string of successes he’d had in combating leftist-woke ideologues in his home state before reminding Mrs. Kelly of her failed NBC show then pointing out Mrs. Haley’s eye-shadow was too dark for her dress, which would set the tone for the rest of the evening.
Haley was next to respond to a question about her entanglements with big banks and defense contractors and whether or not she would be beholden to them rather than the voters. Still stinging from Desantis’ slight, she said, “Ron’s just jealous they want someone who actually knows how to wear heels,” which elicited thunderous applause from her high-paying cheering section.
Speaking of heels Vivek Ramaswamy wasted no time in turning his sights on Haley. Fielding a question about his viability due to a recent drop in the polls, he suggested the stilettoed former governor from South Carolina couldn’t find Ukraine on a map before challenging her to play Are You Smarter Than A Third Grader with his nine-year-old son, who was recently accepted to his alma mater Harvard. This elicited a cacophony of boos from the third-grade loving crowd of southerners, which quickly turned into cheers after he yelled out “Roll Tide!” while holding up a picture of Alabama football coach Nick Saban.
A game Chris Christie could be seen stewing on the sideline as he leaned against his podium in a three-point stance like an offensive lineman. Clad in an oxygen mask and gulping down water with a look on his face that said, “Put me in coach,” Christie gamely came to the wounded Haley’s defense by calling Ramaswamy a “blow-hard” and then took a long drag from his mask before calling a time-out.
The half-time show featured 98 year-old Dolly Parton dressed in a cheerleader costume where she sang a few of the GOP favorites. Mrs. Parton bravely tip-toed up and down the stage, accompanied by two midgets she appeared to have smuggled inside her bustier. Also wearing seven-inch heels, which were the envy of more than one of the debaters, she belted out such conservative classics as “9 to 5”, “Take This Job and Shove It” by Johnny Paycheck, and “Money” by Pink Floyd. Praise the Lord and pass the ridiculously overpriced ammunition, I say!
Desantis and Ramaswamy had been working on some plays during the break, then came out in another coordinated offensive set where both men set blocks for the beleaguered phantom menace Trump before running the ball up the middle again right at a defense-contractor-less Haley, who was performing CPR on a fallen Christie and his political ambitions.
Color commentators Tony Romo and Jim Nantz cried foul on behalf of the apparent abusing of a woman by two men in a competitive event but were silenced after Ramaswamy and Desantis emerged from the pile wearing wigs, lipstick, and sensible shoes while holding a sign that read “Queers for Palestine”. This was clearly a play to gain votes from the crowd of collegial attendees but sadly for the panderers they failed to appreciate the context of the moment and after the jeering crowd of genteel southerners calmed down both were censured by the moderators for “harassing and bullying” a fellow candidate, which turns out is a big no-no.
Finally, the candidates were asked to choose a president from whom they drew inspiration. A resuscitated Christie went first, choosing Ronald Reagan, then proceeded to pitch his new book titled “What Would Reagan Do?” Clearly, in the holiday spirit, Christie then donned a Santa Claus costume and walked to the edge of the stage before casting dozens of WWRD bracelets into the mostly Reaganite worshiping crowd, just in time for Christmas. Haley chose Hillary Clinton as her former president yet was reminded by Eliana she didn’t win back in 2016 and came dangerously close to calling her an election denier, also a no-no for conservatives. Desantis made the unusual choice of Vermont’s very own silent Calvin Coolidge, then dared Mrs. Haley to name which state he hailed from.
Lastly, Ramaswamy paused briefly before waxing historically on the merits of yet another famous misogynist, Thomas Jefferson, who, he aptly pointed out, not only wrote the Declaration of Independence at a youthful thirty-three years of age but also “invented the swivel chair you ladies are sitting on” to the moderators, none of whom seemed to be as impressed as the seats themselves.
An exit poll was taken, and the results showed the candidates ranked as follows:
- Desantis 2%
- Haley & Ramaswamy tied at 1.5%
- Christie -14%
- Donald Trump 113%
