The Trump administration’s recent announcement of tariffs on Canadian products had the ninnies to the north all in a tizzy as the United States ice hockey team took the Canadian national team out to the woodshed recently while in Montreal. Despite a polite warning from the announcer to respect one another’s national anthems the Canadian crowd sent out a chorus of boos as an American military man graced the snow Mexicans with a voice so free it could only be from the lower forty-eight.
It seems the same woke mind virus has taken Canada by storm as those in attendance with the temerity to boo the stars and stripes were reminded why Canada is still ruled by a monarch with sausage fingers and We the People are 1-0 in revolutionary wars.
The puck had barely hit the ice before America’s Matthew Tkachuk started hitting Canada’s Brandon Hagel like he was Nancy Kerrigan’s knee. After the two crashed to the ice Matthew’s brother Brady Tkachuk squared off with Sam Bennett for some more of the Tonya Harding treatment as the crowd roared in approval whilst their fellow Canuck was treated to some Canuckle sandwiches. As every good conspiracy theorist knows these things happen in threes so, still a mere nine seconds into the game, the US’s Brady Miller picked the biggest Canadian he could find and started swinging harder than Adam Kinzinger at a D.C. after-party.
Eventually a hockey game broke out and, after a brief glimmer of hope, Canada melted from the heat laid on by the American squad losing 3-1. In typical Canadian fashion the entire team apologized for getting the snot kicked out of them figuratively and literally like they were one of Dick Cheney’s hunting partners.
Social media and news were saturated with coverage of what many called the most epic nine seconds in sports history. Pundits and personalities from nearly every walk chimed in on what it says about the relationship between the two North American countries. Those sympathetic to Canada blame Donald Trump for the brouhaha as he recently imposed 25% tariffs on Canada, while Americans blame Canadians for playing softer defense at the US-Canadian border than their goalie did that night.
In fiscal year 2024 some 43 pounds of fentanyl crossed the Canadian border into the United States which is enough to kill some 9.5 million American adults or roughly every liberal voter in New England, if only we were so lucky. For some added perspective that’s enough to kill the entire state of Vermont almost fifteen times. Granted, most of America wouldn’t miss Vermont but that’s beside the point. Vermont, however much it feels like Canada’s queer cousin to the south, is still part of America no matter how badly its professors and politicians are paid to denounce it, and because maple syrup.
Canadians, known for their politeness, didn’t have the stomach to tell Justin Trudeau to stick to teaching theater and let a real man run the country. Not only has he turned Canada into Ice Cuba, he also managed to take guns away from a people literally surrounded by bears, timber wolves, moose and Americans. Now Canada has to watch him on t.v. jogging next to another world leader like he’s headed to a nail salon.
As the west becomes increasingly more woke, and as a result more broke, the American people elected Donald Trump to literally be a bull in our capitol’s Greenwich Village china shop. As a result the DOGE task force has set about finding more money fraud and waste than Sam Bankman-Fried’s political donations. Although American’s would love to simply pray the gay waste away we are still combing through the receipts for such things as:
- $1.5 million for LGBTQ inclusion in Serbia
- $5.5 million for LGBTQ advocacy in Uganda
- $1.5 million for LGBTQ advocacy in Jamaica
- $32,000 for a transgender comic book in Peru
This is just the short list but it certainly looks like things Canadians would get behind.
After hearing tale of the booing of our national anthem Emperor Trump called Governor Trudeau and told him if team USA beats team Canada this Thursday night in Boston he will immediately invade the country and rename it Gay Wisconsin. Trump pointed out “Luckily, as the 51st state there will be no need for tariffs and the money we save can fund all of the State Departments rainbow programs to be held in Cana…err…Gay Wisconsin.”
Despite the left’s indomitable pride they take umbrage with the name Gay Wisconsin as a pejorative. However experts who study Canada’s gay quotient are quick to point out the following:
- Their most famous band, The Barenaked Ladies, are actually all men
- Canada’s favorite son, hockey player Wayne Gretzky, chooses to live in Florida
- Canada’s top ten most famous people include Drake, Celine Dion and Justin Beiber
- American’s often use the phrase “that’s gayer than a Canadian nickel”
- Canadians favorite Hanson brothers are the ones who sing “MMMbop”
- They elected Justin Trudeau, not once, not twice, but three times.
Many LGBTQ+ Americans threatened to leave the country if Donald Trump were elected, often posting pictures to social media as they entered Canada. Were Trump to take over Maple-land and turn it into the 51st state “calling it Gay Wisconsin is the least I can do” he said assuring reverse asylum seekers he would make sure to keep Canada as gay as it is right now.
As of the time of publishing the American team’s odds of turning Canada into the 51st state are identical to Saturday night’s score at 3-1. Canadians holding out hope to remain a sovereign nation are reminded of Al Michael’s famous words when he made the call the night the USA dispatched another communist country’s hockey super power, the former Soviet Union.
