In January, M&M Mars announced that it was changing things up in the name of inclusivity. It would make the iconic candies different shapes and give them personality disorders – which might reflect reality in the front office of the MARS Wrigley global conglomerate.
Or maybe they wanted “fat” M&M’s to make obese people feel better.
And why not. Body positivity means it’s okay to let yourself be at high risk for heart disease and diabetes, and if you eat enough M&Ms, you’ll get there in a #woke heartbeat, and now we have the new Ms. Purple.
Designed to represent acceptance and inclusivity, our newest member is known for her earnest self-expression. Keen self-awareness, authenticity and confidence are the driving forces behind Purple’s charm and quirky nature. She joins the legendary cast of M&M’S characters, who recently were given a refresh with updated looks and more nuanced personalities back in January.
“Mars is thrilled to debut the newest member of the M&M’S cast of characters to the world. There is so much about our new spokescandy that people can relate to and appreciate, including her willingness to embrace her true self – our new character reminds us to celebrate what makes us unique,
First, I’d like to complain about them gendering “her.” And while we’re being ridiculous, is she chocolate identifying as vanilla (or the reverse)? How dare we even suppose (maybe she’s both!).
And it’s rude even to suggest it because there’s nothing quite as inclusive as forcing others to embrace the fantasy inside your head and getting mad at them if they refuse to play or follow along.
Related: US Govt. Plans to Use Drones to Fire Vaccine Laced M&Ms Near Endangered Ferrets?
Is she even purple? And is that a good look?
Prince was purple, deliberately overdosed on Fentanyl, and no one burned down any black businesses or shot any people of color. George Floyd – who may or may not have listened to music by Prince, died of an accidental Fentanyl overdose, and America burned all summer. So, maybe Ms. Purple is a drug addict? An anti-Semitic leader of BLM? An addicted anti-Semitic leader of BLM (there’s room for a B and an L on that shell if you try, and isn’t it racist if you don’t)?
A BLM&M would be “inclusive.” But she’d have to live in a mansion in a predominately wealthy white neighborhood for it to be true to life. Speaking of which, there’s been an exponential rise in drug abuse and overdose deaths (from Fentanyl) since M&Ms started getting #woke, so Ms. Purple as a drug addict, works.
Our purpose story is just getting started and the introduction of our newest M&M’S spokescandy is the next chapter, as the brand continues to delight fans with fun in a way only M&M’S can.”
So there’s room for that.
