Hollywood Updates Insensitive Movie Titles
Hollywood is usually the first to speak up for the rights of the underprivileged, who also happen to never live in Hollywood. The Screen Actors Guild along with the Harvey Weinstein Foundation have teamed up to bring classic movie titles, once perfectly acceptable in lights on the marquee, into the 21st Century where accurate nomenclature takes a backseat to the feels. After several thousand online tweets demanding these insensitive titles be changed to spare the feelings of people who prefer to remain anonymous yet demand to be the center of attention, major Hollywood production offices have relented. Here are just a few of the new titles:
- Scent of a Biologist
- Pretty What?
- What Birthing Persons Want
- Little Lesbians
- Wonder Broad
- Attack of the 50 Foot Floozy
Several agents, who represent major starlets were asked how this would affect the challenge of getting equal pay with their male counterparts, could not be reached for comment as they were busy finishing up Diversity, Inclusion and Equity (DIE) training.
Antifa Changing Name To Protifa After Realizing They Love Fascism
The militant arm of America’s new protest culture known as Antifa announced via social media that they will be changing their name. The group’s name derives from “antifaschistisc”, a 1930s era German word associated with a group of anti-Nazi radicals. It would later be associated with anti-fascist groups in Italy.
After having so much success as the foot soldiers for former Nazis George Soros and Klaus Schwab, from whom Antifa has drawn considerable financial support, the group is rethinking both its name and image. Group leaders, who wish to remain anonymous, have recently given a press release stating they will now go by Protifa after three straight summers of success and support by both the US government and many US corporations.
“Fascism sucks until you can use it for your cause” said one member who was recently released from jail after serving six hours of a twelve year sentence for arson, armed robbery, vandalism, and child molestation.
Also seeing a change are the all black uniforms with black facemasks worn by Antifa members since the early rioting in 2016. New corporate sponsors Adidas will be making a lighter, more breathable black jumpsuit with white pinstripes borrowing a page from 1950s mobsters, coupled with a sensible street shoe complete with steel toes and heel compartment that can hold small explosives or up to a 3” blade.
Dartmouth college historian Mark Bray, author of Antifa: The Antiefascist Handbook has given his blessing to the change.
“Antifa is ready to go pro!” said Bray. “Protifa is a much more positive message, and one we hope will inspire kids to look to us for role models”.
When asked if he was concerned for the children’s safety due to the large number of pedophiles among Protifa’s ranks he stayed true to his positivism commenting “Absolutely not. If anything it will lead to member retention at both ends.”
Vermont Prostitutes Announce Plans To Unionize
The recent decriminalization of prostitution in Vermont has many sex workers looking to protect their industry. Recently the non-profit Whores For Change held a meeting at the ONE Community Center in Burlington. Meeting notes reveal the topics of discussion included:
- A Ho Healthcare Initiative
- Know Your STDs
- Time cards and the forty hour work week
- Signs of overworking
- Workers compensation
- Fund raising ideas
- The benefit of uniforms versus costumes
- Proper footwear
Those in attendance seem encouraged by the discussions and appreciate the opportunity to increase the professionalism of the world’s oldest profession. We reached out to the Whores For Change legal team of Dewey, Lay & Howe who were unavailable for comment at this time.
Wokesters Identify Dangerous New Group Of Oppressors
The vanguard of social justice warriors out to defend the oppressed have identified the latest threat to the human race – humor.
“This attack on the humorless is no laughing matter” said Reece P. Kupps (zee/zer), Professor of Stoicism at Reed College in Portland, Oregon. Professor Kupps cites the staggering number of students on campus suffering depression and an almost crippling inability to laugh, about anything.
Behavioral scientists at the Cleveland Clinic have been studying this growing trend among Americans by screening classics such as Blazing Saddles and Airplane for groups of millenials and gen Z, using Baby Boomers and Generation X as control groups. Their research has found not only do the younger generations not laugh throughout the films but become violently offended. One African American researcher was removed from the study team after laughing out loud at multiple instances of racial humor, ironically aimed at black people, during a showing of Blazing Saddles.
“I’ve always thought that was some funny s**t” said the scientist.
“Racialized humor is never funny” scolded a younger Caucasian female who got up midway through the film to start a protest outside the building.
“He’ll see how funny it is looking for a new job” retorted another (also Caucasian) young Ivy League student.
Upon learning of the termination the Dave Chappelle Show hired the scientist to join their team of writers where he now makes nearly quadruple his income from last year.
