Are you tired of the same old dating sites that appeal to the sappy hopefuls of the world? We are too.
If you want to take a match to Match.com or can’t stand to see another “eternal love” story from the romantics over at Christian Mingle we at Bananas Inc. are almost thrilled to announce our two new dating sites for the rest of us: HeathenMingle.com and PlentyOfPagans.com!
Check out what our members are saying:
“Finally a dating site for real heathens. Wotan be praised!” – J. Oppenheimer, Carlsbad, CA
“I thought I’d never meet my Q++ mate. Thank you, Heathen Mingle!” – B. Tinkerbell, Peabody, MA
“Kind of excited about all of these maidens.” (strokes beard) – V. Kingsman, Seattle, WA
“Here I thought I was the only practicing vampire in town. Who knew?” – B. Stoker, Trans City, DE
“Putin sucks, Plenty of Pagans does not.” – P. Muthersbaugh, Fort Collins, CO
We want to thank Johnny Bananas for this Op-Ed.
Please direct yours to Editor@GraniteGrok.com.
HeathenMingle.com and PlentyOfPagans.com are two unique dating sites geared toward today’s heathen and pagan communities. No longer do you have to wander the earth aimlessly like Cain heading east of Eden. Today’s heathen and pagan communities are leading the way into the Age of Aquarius. Speaking of Aquarius, let’s have a look at some of the unique platform profiles you curious Pisces you!
NAME: Amber Summerland
PRONOUNS: Maid-her/maid-she
FROM: St. Lawrence, NY
SIGN: Gemini
IDENTITY GROUP: White/Aryan
SEEKING: 25-70 years of age
SEXUALITY: Pansexual, potsexual, platesexual, tuppersexual
HOBBIES/INTERESTS: Frolicking, sword fighting, candle making, golf, sewing, Pokemon, Rom-coms
MUSICAL INTERESTS: Legends of Lairdom, We Are Dwarves, Fleetwood Mac, Genesis, Storm Troopers of Death, Demonspawn, Flavel Drive, Vivaldi
FOOD: Sushi, Italian, Proto-vegan
ALLERGIES: fructose, lactose, galactose, most-toses
TRIGGERS: Marching bands, day-time TV, Trump supporters
M.I.: chronic depression, anxiety, bi-polar
MEDICATIONS: all of them
EDUCATION: Some community college
POLITICAL VIEWS: Demi-Prog-Socialist
OCCUPATION: Administrative Assistant
HEIGHT: 5’1”
BUILD: Generous
EYES: Both
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Poly-amorous, open
SMOKING: 4/20 friendly
HAS KIDS: None living
WANTS KIDS: If they make it
WORSHIP: Self (Satanism)
LOCATION: Babes of Baal Community Center
INTRODUCTION:
Looking for serious suitors only who enjoy staying up late and willing to make the necessary sacrifices and can read between the lines to build a lasting covenant. If you are not into being fully-committed to a polyamorous and relationally-open lady like me, don’t bother. My last boyfriend said I was a narcissist – like I even care what he thinks! Tired of the needy and talkative types who aren’t interested in learning to mind read, astral project, or binge watch South Park until the sun comes up. Lots here to worship so come lose yourself in me!
NAME: Neil Shaver
PRONOUNS: who/cares
FROM: Grand Rapids, MI
SIGN: Omens
ETHNICITY: Euro-nesian
SEEKING: 12-45 years of age
SEXUALITY: Narcisexual, BDSM, role playing
HOBBIES/INTERESTS: Table tennis, Segway-ing, macramé, bird watching, animal husbandry, gun-smithing
MUSICAL INTERESTS: After the Fall, Jujemon, Taylor Swift, Drake, Nine Inch Nails, Flavel Drive, Pound of Flesh, the Eagles, Shania Twain
FOOD: Raw, keto, paleo
ALLERGIES: pastas, plastics, pastes, peanuts
TRIGGERS: Corporate logos, meaningful observations, crowds (any)
M.I.: psychopathy (mild)
MEDICATIONS: self-medicated
EDUCATION: Malcolm X Montessori School Graduate class of ‘98
OCCUPATION: Hedge Fund Manager, Uber driver (part-time)
HEIGHT: 5’8”
BUILD: Dad-bod
EYES: Dark
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Mostly single
SMOKING: Non
HAS KIDS: Don’t care to know
WANTS KIDS: Willing to practice
IDOLS: Nietzsche, Gru
WORSHIP: Atheist / Nihilist
WHERE: Grand Rapids South Chapter of A.A. & N.A. (Atheists Anonymous / Nihilists Anonymous)
INTRODUCTION:
Why bother – why not I suppose? Not that it means anything but I’d like to have some fun before I get deleted from this hell-hole. Willing to put up with most anything after the last two, though my therapist says I need to work on boundaries. Please let me know if you have any suspected or diagnosed mental illnesses (I have a thing for Borderlines). Medical insurance is a plus!
(Both of these members are still active, if you can believe it – so who’s feeling lucky?)
Sign up before May 1st and get a PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP that includes:
- Adult photo sharing
- Monthly e-newsletter
- Singles starter pack (pickup lines do’s & don’t’s, Uber Eats coupons, essential oils, personalized avatar, etc.)
SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Head on over to HeathenMingle.com or, if you’re a flaming pagan, go find PlentyofPagans.com to pursue your demi-god / demi-goddess until this charade called life expires!
