School Anti-Bullying Programs do not work. In many cases, it appears as incidences of bullying have increased. A 2012 study published in the Journal of Criminology suggests that the anti-bullying programs, now popular in many schools may not be useful. Seven thousand kids at 195 different schools were examined and the authors found that schools with anti-bullying programs were more likely to experience bullying than children who attended schools without such programs.
In Manchester New Hampshire, two instances of assaults were video recorded by students of other students launching an attack, as featured in the Union Leader. These examples are only two of many that have gone on for years. Anti-Bullying campaigns are not working. While advocates for the programs argue otherwise, kids are getting injured. There have been incidents where student attacks have raged on while a teacher or staff person stood by, not intervening. Unacceptable.
Parents whose kids are bullied are exasperated and desperate for answers. The money, energy and current efforts are not protecting kids.
My kids are adults. However, my kids were never bullied either. Nevertheless, I think the time is right to share with others, what I shared with my kids. Now, I know the educational progressive apparatchik will eschew me for this advice. I say, “Screw em.” They care more about their jobs than they do the safety of my or your children. These are the cold hard truths that will allow your children to prevail against a bully.
Teachers do not really care about your personal safety. “How dare you suggest such a thing?” Oh yes, I can hear the outrage now. “You hate teachers.” No. I hate what teachers have become: Educrats…Apparatchiks. Oh yes, they become wild-eyed and will argue otherwise all day long and call me every name in the book, while insisting that this is simply not true. However, when the assault blossoms full bloom right there and then, that teacher at that moment has to make a critical choice: They must choose to risk their personal safety, possible personal injury, and possibly their job, for being disciplined…Or, forego your child’s safety. Guess which one often prevails?
Somebody please tell me how all these layers of rules, laws, consequences, policies and disciplinary measures matter in that moment the high schooler, within the halls of that institution, is taken by the fist full of hair and is being pummeled by another violent student who has chosen not to be restrained by those ordered layers? No. When it comes to safety, your kid is on his or her own. They cannot rely on the teachers, the school resource officer or the Principal to guarantee they will not be attacked in the place where they are mandated by society’s law to be.
Anti-Bullying Programs in schools often inadvertently groom bullies and enable them to bully other students. If you are attacked and you fight back, you will be possibly suspended from school, perhaps ever charges might be filed. (Remember, the perpetrator might have a hedge around his or her violent behavior such as a specialized IEP that will shield them from the disciplinary measures.)
With all of that in contemplation, here is what kids and parents need to know to best avoid bullies.
- Be a kind person. Speak kindly to all with whom you have contact Do not be disrespectful. Be cooperative with teachers. Help fellow students where you can and give words of support and encouragement. Do not respond to harsh words or insults. Do not let facial expressions show a response. Simply walk away. Use words that de-escalate harsh situations.
- Identify and avoid Bullies. Know who they are. Avoid them at all possible means. If you encounter a bully, speak confidently, calmly and in a friendly manner. Make eye contact, express confidence in a friendly and non-threatening manner.
- Evaluate Intervention. If your friend is being bullied and you intervene, are you inviting that bully to bully you? If you intervene, are you willing to take on that fight yourself? Discuss this in detail with your parents.
- Be Aware of the school Bullying Program. It is not there to help you. Know that. It is there to curb bullying behavior, (which never works) not to stop an attack on you by the bully. If you are being attacked, the program has failed again.
- Be Aware of your surroundings. Learn to read body language and physical cues. Take note of what is happening around you. What are people doing? how they are speaking? And, what they are doing with their hands?
Recognize physical cues that something is not right. Facial expressions like the “jaw thrust” when the face is looking down on you and nostril flaring. Subtle Chest puffing, “Blading” (turning the body slightly away), and fist clenching or rattling. To de-escalate, do not mirror the behavior, yet be assertive while taking a step back (reactionary gap). Don’t cower. Hold your hands out with palms up. This is the universal ‘non-threatening’ gesture and signals to them you don’t want to fight. This is the point where you leave the immediate area, if you can do so safely. Remember, the goal is to avoid a physical altercation. At the end of it, there are no winners or losers. Nobody wins. Both will be injured. Avoidance where possible is the best course of action.
- The Attack. The bell has rung. You are leaving Science class, walking to History class. As you walk down the hall, the bully is coming at you. You observe his pal four steps behind holding up a cell phone. His head is down, fists are clenched and he is coming at you. His friend is grinning ear to ear. Your inner gut tells you an attack is imminent. Others are now watching. They know what’s coming. Drop your stuff right there and free your hands. When he steps into your X Zone, throw a hard punch. Aim for the neck. Face the attacker, cup your hands behind his neck and thrust your knee into his groin. Grab him by his ear. Chop him in the throat with the side of your hand. Simply fight. Put on your inner warrior and fight.
Yes. You did indeed throw the first punch. Does that make you guilty? Yes, in the eyes of the school. No in a court of law. Remember, that bully came at you displaying all the requisite physical manifestations that a reasonable person would translate as a physical attack. Do not let the bully get the first shot. Turn the tables on him/her early. Be proactive in your self-defense. Fight. Fight to win. Fight to prevail.
People have this mythological view of fighting as some kind of boxing match with rules of engagement. Well, I am here to tell you, if there are rules, this isn’t a fight. It’s a sport. The reality is you nearly always end up on the ground or floor, grappling, biting, poking at eyes, pulling hair, tearing at lips and noses, and scratching. Using a cell phone to club your opponent in the temple. After about 35 seconds of this, you both are out of steam and the one who avails himself is the one who can push through the exhaustion.
You are now fully engaged. The school policies on fighting and physical violence in the next 45-60 seconds simply do not matter. THEY DO NOT MATTER. What matters right there and then is your will to survive the attack. If those rules and policies mattered, the attack wouldn’t have taken place. They did not matter at the onset and they will not matter when you are at the Hospital with a caved in face. Fight.
There is this overarching concern of inflicting serious physical injury by responding in this manner. REALLY???? Where the hell is that same concern when the Bully decided to launch his or her attack on you? Was that not a consideration? It certainly wasn’t a deterrent. Keep fighting and fighting hard until the attack is stopped.
So along comes teacher Mr. Jones and he tries to restrain you. Keep fighting. When Mr. Jones restrains you and the bully uses that as an opportunity to re-engage and pummel you, the only thing Mr. Jones has done was enable the bully to continue his attack. Mr. Jones does not have the benefit of all the facts and thinks he is doing the right thing trying to stop the fight. Inversely, If Mr. Jones restrains your opponent, stop fighting. If teachers show up and do not intervene, keep fighting. Remember, this is not going to end until the attack stops.
Immediately after an attack. Be quiet. Say Nothing. Keep your emotions in check and be calm. Breathe deeply. Move slowly. Be respectful and cooperative, but say nothing. Call your parents at the first opportunity. Staff members and teachers are likely to say very bad things to you. They tend to be emotional people and will immediately assign blame. Remain calm and say nothing. NOTHING. Speak softly, slowly and respectfully. Yes. No. and do not talk until your parents arrive. Always, Always, Always ask for medical attention, whether you think you need it or not. Do be prepared for a School resource officer to handcuff you and take you to the Police Station. Still say nothing.
If you have done all the right things, let the Administrators, Police, Your Lawyer and parents sort things out. If your parents are decent, they are your best advocates. If you are a good student and do not have disciplinary problems, you will likely be fine. For those of you that cut up from time to time, it’s going to take a whole lot longer to sort out. Sorry. But that’s life.
I began my freshman year of high school in the late 70’s. I was small and weighed just over 100 lbs. There were no anti-bullying programs. Nothing really, that prevented bullying. Being bullied back then was a fact of life for some. Many had a well-developed flight response. My size was a novelty in that I fit nicely inside lockers. Until the day I decided that I wasn’t having it. I also knew that I was very much on my own in dealing with this. The student who used to put me into a locker was larger and stronger. The day came when I struck. I struck lightening hard, breaking the bully’s nose and fracturing the orbit of his eye. A CHIN’s petition was filed against me as a juvenile. My parents were angry beyond belief. At home I had punishments and a 10-day school suspension. The bully got next to nothing…a one-day suspension, I recall. But when the dust settled and I returned to school, I was able to graduate finish the next three years and graduate rather uneventfully. I wasn’t bullied any longer. It was a hard lesson learned. I went on to the United States Marine Corps, later became a Deputy Sheriff and a Police officer.
In my fifties now, I have always had a deep inner understanding of those who are likely to be bullied. I also understand the bullies.
In a perfect world, kids can go to school and never have to fight each other. But that isn’t the world we live in. We live in a world with people who are scumbags. And those Scumbags have children. Moreover, those Scumbag children leave their homes and the rest of society is forced to deal with them. If your kid is a bully, then you as a parent are a scumbag.
