With June just around the corner, and the town of Hartford swelling with pride, the townsfolk are confident this year they will find the pot of gold at the end of the many rainbows adorning both field and sky.
Despite record rainfall and biblical level flooding over the past four years the residents are certain the gods keeps deluging the county just so they/them can put another rainbow in the sky to celebrate their pride in solidarity. As everyone knows each rainbow brings with it a pot of gold to be found which is why the town has confidently increased the assessed values of the properties by nearly 100%.
“This town is practically made out of gold and the people know it” said current Select Board chairperson Mary Erdei. Erdei’s confidence stems from the fact every year, come rain or come hurricane, the town budget increases and the townspeople magically find money on their property to pay for it, followed by a ceremonial celebration each June to the rainbow gods where participants dance wildly in the streets like King David and his gay lover Jonathan.
This year is no different. The town is so confident in the next windfall they have decided to tear down half of the high school and rebuild it along with a statue of Ishtar, install new sewer pipes made of sterling silver and add tertiary fairy lanes alongside those for bicycles, despite the multi-million dollar price tag.
“We are confident that Iris (the Greek goddess of rainbows) hears us and will provide” exclaimed Hartford’s first queer legislator Becca White, who will be acting as the drum majorette in this year’s “Pride and Prosperity” parade. White was pivotal in moving voters to make Hartford a sanctuary city for all of the gods who are seeking a better life in America. “Iris, Manzat, Jalus, they just aren’t being respected in their native lands. We want them to know they have a safe space here in Hartford” White beamed proudly.
Hartford select board member Brandon Smith, who recently returned from a series of social media military tours in Gaza, agrees the town needs to think creatively about how to provide affordable housing while increasing property values nearly 100%. “I think it’s important to first acknowledge we are residing on land stolen from the gods Tezcatlipoca and Xōchipilli who were forced out of their native environs by the gods of science and the white man.” One of the townsfolk couldn’t help but point out Smith is a white man however he identifies as Palestinian so the level of irony is considered acceptably low by Vermont social safety standards. Both Tezcatlipoca and Xōchipilli were unavailable for comment despite the attempts of Bananas media to reach them through a series of small animal sacrifices and orgies.
Residents are excited about this year’s parade which will include several new attractions. The local Planned Parenthood has generously donated their statue of Moloch which will be located right there on Main Street as opposed to out back by the dumpsters. Staci Narcanowitz, owner of the local bakery and flower shop Queen Bee’s Bakery and Bouquets, has retained the rights to make several of the sumptuous S & M pastries made famous by Voodoo Donuts. Staci, a self-described “sigma lesbian”, found herself in hot water after refusing to bake a traditional wedding cake for a hetero couple. The town rallied around the bossy baker by filling her Go Fund Me account with nearly a half million dollars to help cover her legal fees. Despite spending almost half of it on a new Jeep and paying off her mortgage, she was able to retain local attorney Todd Studman who generously reduced his pay in exchange for lifetime maple eclairs.
This year’s festival will also feature a series of treats for local pansexuals. Contestants will cook and eat as many pancakes as they can within 10 minutes followed by a hot pan-throwing competition after which they’ll swim the equivalent length of the Panama Canal back and forth across the White River all while dressed as Peter Pan. A separate event for Twinkerbells will include an open and inclusive all-genders sextathalon to be held at the elementary school.
Not all of the neighbors are feeling jazzy about the festivities. Local leprechaun Larry O’Shaughnessy believes the rainbow chasers are committing cultural appropriation at the expense of hundreds of years of Irish tradition. “How do you expect to get the pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow if you’ve not any leprechauns?” the indignant little person asked. Spokesperson for the parade, Pat Smithers, shot back “What is a leprechaun?” Touche Pat.
After the single float parade makes its way through town the closing ceremony will include the first ever Loki Awards given to embattled Los Angeles lesbian fire chief Kirsten Crowley and St. Louis’ non-binary emergency management chief Sarah Russell for Outstanding Performance in an LGBTQ Natural Disaster, both of who set new standards for mischief during their area’s devastations.
