For nearly sixty years, the question of “who really shot JFK?” has been asked by nearly anyone with a pulse who understands basic physics and never figured out who shot JR Ewing. The official government findings were released to the public under Executive Order 11130 in 1964, known as the Warren Commission Report. This twenty-six-volume 888 888-page bathroom reader tried to explain in great detail what happened that day and who was responsible. It ultimately concluded it was the act of a lone gunman named Lee Harvey Oswald who, despite being a horrible shot while in the army, was able to pull off three superhuman marksman level volleys from the sixth floor of the School Book Depository building located behind the president’s motorcade using a bolt action rifle, through an oak tree and despite an accuracy breaking wind because it was in Texas and politicians were involved. That and the bullets he used were magic. Upon examination by a scrutinizing public, it was clear the official story had more holes than Kennedy’s body.
Experts in Kennedy’s assassination estimate some 2,000 to 40,000 books have been written about the event, with another 50 to 100 movies or documentaries as well. This demonstrates the incredible range experts have with their powers of estimation, similar to the incredible range we are told Oswald suddenly possessed that fateful day. Thanks in part to truth seekers found among Hollywood elite like Kevin Costner and Oliver Stein, the public’s suspicion regarding Oswald’s being less likely to have pulled off those shots than Stevie Wonder acing a driving test, we now have reams of paper being poured over to find the real culprit(s?).
The obvious choice to those in the know would look to none other than Hillary Clinton who has been famously linked to more hits than the Beatles after graduating high school as “Most Likely to Suicide a President.” Despite the signature Arkancide method of a hand written letter discovering the deceased’s misanthropic despondence and confession of guilt for criminally back-stabbing the Clinton’s that had them so wracked with guilt they were able to shoot themselves in the back of the head twice with a shotgun while hanging from a tree, JFK’s demise produced no such confession while also having been filmed for all the world to see, as luck would have it, by one Abraham Zapruder. That and Hillary wasn’t JFK’s type despite being nearly sixteen at the time.
Instead, another story has emerged that is shocking the conspiracy theory world as a result of examining the redacted documents for clues. Upon uploading the files to AI to fine-tune searches for patterns and new suspects, Banana’s Investigative Media was able to uncover what may be the most alarming conspiracy news since Ray Finckle kidnapped Snowflake the dolphin. A careful examination of redactions and edits clearly carried out after the fact appear to implicate none other than “The Juice” O.J. Simpson. Dozens and dozens of entries indicate that at multiple times throughout the investigation, agents at the C.I.A. and F.B.I. had been working with “the Juice” to finagle the public into believing supposed communist double agent Oswald had managed the impossible.
As it turns out a sprightly O.J., at the time an All-American high school running-back, was part of the MK Ultra program emerging in his home town of San Francisco. Numerous references to “The Juice” being behind the scenes as both conspirator and shooter have clearly been inserted into text as a means of attempting to obscure his involvement, were it not for our crack team of investigators decoding the hidden meaning. Oddly, nearly every instance of “The Juice” found in the documents was being used to obscure the word “Israel” as if someone had originally planned to pin this on America’s greatest ally. Despite the unbelievable tale of Israeli involvement we now know “The Juice” was being used by the C.I.A. as a prototype in the MK Ultra program which would initiate the first of several high profile assassinations of the nation’s civil and social leaders including Kennedys’ brother Bobby famously shot by the mind-controlled Sirhan Sirhan, Martin Luther King Jr. and Nation of Islam leader Malcom Jamal Warner.
However, the cover-up continues to this day as fellow black Candace Owens is still running blocking for “The Juice” by trying to finger Israel for having masterminded the plot. Owens, recent winner of Anti-Semite of the Year from one of the many PR Firms tasked with image protection, had the audacity to cite Jewish sources claiming Kennedy’s successor Lyndon Baines Johnson had a Jewish mother – oy vey! She also tried to make links to Oswald’s assassin, Jack Ruby, real name Jacob Rubenstein, who was able to weasel his way into the Dallas Police Department during Oswald’s prison exchange that Sunday by bringing bagels, which officers assumed were donuts. Ruby was not available to do the shooting on Saturday, which is the Jewish Sabbath.
Also factoring into the equation are deceased Israeli Prime Minister David Been Gurshowitz who was embroiled in heated exchanges with President Kennedy over acquiring nuclear weapons despite Kennedy’s strong protests. It’s assumed the lack of willingness on the part of the gentile (and Catholic) Kennedy to keep God’s chosen people from wielding the weapon of mass destruction they had invented was a bridge too far for the super-Semites, so they had to exercise the Ehud Option. Yada, yada, yada.
Anyone who’s bothered to sit through the masterful anthology of OJ’s filmography knows it reads like a confession of his years in the intelligence community. From the Towering Inferno to Killer Force to Cocaine and Blue Eyes to CIA Code Name: Alexa finishing with the coup de grace Naked Gun trilogy it’s clear “The Juice” was hiding his involvement in the open to an unwitting public. Even his book “If I Did It” ostensibly about the murder of his ex-wife, dedicates an entire chapter to his time spent in school book depositories in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area in the early 60s which went over the heads of the reader like a mockingbird taking a dump on a motorcade.
Oswald’s attorney, Mark Lane, was also in on the joke, titling his book critical of the Warren Commission “Rush to Judgment”, an obvious nod to the guilty gridiron galloper.
Many wondered why presidents were waiting so long for the files to be released, given the nearly sixty year difference since the shooting. Experts assumed it was to protect the agency however it is clear now they were waiting for “The Juice” to finally cross the end-zone of life as another O.J. trial would not only get horrible ratings but likely would lead to another destructive riot in Los Angeles which would conflict with the rebuild following the Pacific Palisades fires currently being filmed on location.
