You’ve got to hand it to the several hundred Burlingtonians who braved severe climate change in order to carry hand-made handmaiden signs in a show of strong delusion that somebody still cares.
The streets were lined with dirty snow and even dirtier human beings who apparently didn’t get the memo from their neighbors who are ready for change from Hope and Change Episode 3: Build Back Better.
In yet the latest disappointing turnout since November 7th the mall in D.C. was slim-packed with hundreds of the thousands who threatened to make their voices heard on this mom-umental occasion. Fittingly it occurred on Black Monday, also known as Martin Luther King Jr. Day, where Americans are encouraged to fight racism by taking the day off work “just like the blacks would want” said non-racist community organizer Lilly Whiteberg from Fairhaven, Connecticut.
Professional protestors traveled from as far as Portland, Oregon currently ranked number one in the country for consecutive days protesting. Beaver state native Jasmine Hempnecklace wiped tears from her eyes as she held up a photo of a young relative who recently told her that she might be a lesbian.
“I’m here for her” said Mister Hempnecklace, referring to her relative. “With this new administration I don’t know if she’ll be safe,” no doubt alluding to her chances of becoming a fire-fighter or a victim of domestic abuse.
“I am angry and frustrated,” said Margaret Fetustein, who came to the Queen City all the way from Colchester, VT with her 14-year-old daughter Lacy. “I’m worried that he is going to dismantle our democracy” she said out loud in front of dozens as a dog-whistle letting them know she too doesn’t understand Trump’s inauguration is proof our democracy is fully mantled.
Fellow angry white lady Karen Lewinsky stated “I want my nieces to be able to grow up with the same rights that I had” in hopes they might retain the right to keep her from having grand-nieces. When asked which ones were her nieces she lamented they decided to take the day off from school as an opportunity to listen to the pro-life group who could be seen handing them fliers from across the street. In a desperate attempt to keep her impressionable companions from hearing about personal responsibility, abstinence and the sanctity of life Mrs. Lewinsky sprinted to their aide while tossing her scorching hot coffee on a group of older ladies who she referred to as “stupid old hags” before corralling the youth to remind them about tolerance and love.
Trump was not the only one making a comeback this day as a small rivulet of pink birthing-person hats could be seen cresting over the crowd symbolizing the twin peaks of feminist triumph, namely the ability to make avoiding motherhood the number one issue leading to the defeat of yet another first female president. These women’s command over the path of feminist issues are like their command over cooking steaks, well done ladies.
Over at the capitol building 47th president Donald Trump was delivering his second inaugural address from inside the president’s room as opposed to the traditional venue on the veranda of the capitol. Though many who hoped to attend expressed disappointment over the threat posed by repeated assassination attempts Banana’s A.I. was told on good authority from ChatGPT the reason for the change was a mistake and that President Trump didn’t even win the 2024 election. Democracy is saved!

Despite becoming the second illegitimate president in a row Mr. Trump intends to sign some two hundred executive orders on his first day. Among them are:
- The president will be leasing the White House with the option to buy
- Construction of an executive par-3 golf course on the White House lawn
- Construction of the remaining border wall by illegal immigrants before they’re deported
- Annexing Canada as the 51st state
- Declaring war with Greenland
- Trading Vermont to Cuba for a player to be named later
- Preemptively pardoning himself from being impeached for the next four years