A recent decision by Planned Parenthood New England to shut down four of its Vermont clinics has many lawmakers in Montpelier ready to hop into the sack to save them.
The Parody is strong with this one. Snowflakes and the easily triggered should turn around now.
In a bid to raise funds to keep the clinics from closing their reproductive doors for good, progressive legislators who championed sex work in Vermont are putting their money where their mouths are by volunteering to raise funds ala the world’s oldest profession. They are calling the event State House Full of Ho’s.
Co-sponsors of HB 569 (569 dude!) State Rep. Selene Colburn (P-Burlington), former Rep. Diana Gonzalez (P-Winooski), Rep. Maxine Grad (D-Moretown), and Rep. Emilie Kornheiser (D-Brattleboro) will be dropping their law-writing pens, among other things, to do the hard work of raising funds, eyebrows, and the hopes of many of their fellow legislators looking to support the worthy cause.
“We are more than happy to get behind our colleagues in a show of solidarity,” a winking Brian Cina declared (P/D-Chittenden). Cina, who one senator said is “gayer than Elton John driving a rainbow Prius,” is so concerned with a woman’s right to choose he’s going to be the only male on the menu. A natural activist he recently convened the ad hoc Committee for Singles In the VT Legislature that was quickly filled by his other single colleagues.
“I get to play doctor in real life, so this won’t be a stretch for me,” Dr. Hal Colston quipped as he signed his name multiple times to the roster of donors.
Senator Becca White (D – Hartford), who also sponsored the bill, is chomping at the bit to “do the work.” White, who grew up in tiny Wilder, VT, where nary a prostitute could be found, is eager to see the streets of her town bustling “with well-paid high-class ho’s.” Though sex work is criminalized, White argued on Thursday that the act itself is “not inherently dangerous when it is consensual.”
“Then she ain’t doin’ it right!” exclaimed Vermont’s longest active pimp and general store owner Elijah Lefleur. Lefleur has run the Broke Back Love Shack, a local favorite, out of the top floor of his general store in Barre, VT, for going on thirty years. Lefleur’s illicit business is known for meeting the needs of Vermonters looking to spice up their sex lives by having risky, unprotected, and often dangerous types of intercourse. “My b****’s will do anything, and I mean anything. Ever tried it hanging upside down in a maple? What about playing Canadian Chicken in traffic? I got one Betty that only does it if Fox News is playing in the background. You wouldn’t believe how many people get off listening to Tucker Carlson. That’s where the real money is.”
Concerned that legalization will cut into his profits, Lefleur says Senator White’s bill will decimate the pimp population in Vermont.
“What happened to diversity and inclusion? If this bill passes, you can say goodbye to pimpin’ in Vermont,” an emotional Tyrell Janikowski says, choking back tears. Mr. Janikowski is one of only a handful of BIPOC pimps still in business in Vermont. “I hear all this talk about Vermont being diverse and inclusive. What about me? What about Tyrell Janikowski? Don’t hate the player. Hate the game y’all.”
Janikowski and Lefleur recently banded together to form Pimp Lives Matter (PLM), which already has nine members who plan to protest the charity event. Also joining the protest are the sisters from Our Lady of Perpetual Chastity, who’ve started their own MAGA movement – Make Abstinence Great Again.
More critics of the proposal look at other decriminalization efforts as indicators of its future. “Abortion, for example, was intended to be safe and rare; however, legalizing turned it into a form of birth control. It’s also racist – over 20 million black babies have been aborted since Roe v. Wade!” roared pro-life pastor Clarence Stillwater. When asked to respond to the claim of abortion as a form of racism, Senator White reminded the pastor, “Vermont has made it a constitutional right for all citizens, including black people – we don’t discriminate.” A little tone deaf, but word to your mother all the same.
Despite the many voices crying foul against the legislation and the event, the popularity with the law-maker’s colleagues is unbridled. So far, every single male representative and senator has signed up as donors, some as often as five times. It may be passé to be a lady in Vermont, but don’t tell these gentlemen!
“It’s not often we get this kind of community-building opportunity, and I want my colleagues to know they have my full support. Especially Senator White, whoo-we! Am I right?” an excited Senator Peter Welch stated after hearing of the event. With his wife’s permission and the help of Viagra, the senator hopes to make a sizeable donation.
Banana’s Media reached out to the office of Senator Bernie Sanders, who has declined to participate due to a bad back, however, he said he loves the idea and hopes the bill passes with a reasonable living wage.
Governor Phil Scott, who recently signed bill H.746, which repeals Burlington City Council’s power to “restrain and suppress houses of ill fame and disorderly houses,” is reportedly also interested in helping the cause. A spokesperson for the governor told Banana’s Media, “When the governor is not laying the lumber down to help Vermonter’s from flood damage, he’s more than happy to lay some down for a worthy cause like this. It’s for the children.”
