The political assassination of Charlie Kirk has led to an ongoing investigation into who did it and why? Speculation has ranged from the primary suspect Tyler Robinson committing the deed as a crime of passion for defending his furry-trans lover, to former ATF agents running operations for the Mormon mafia, to Israel’s Mossad as revenge for Kirk’s about face on their actions in Gaza and overt influence over the White House. Luckily Banana’s Investigative Media used our powerful connections inside the FBI to obtain the complete and un-redacted text exchange between Robinson and his queer companion.
PARTNER: What???????? You’re joking, right???
ROBINSON: I remain yet in good health, my beloved, though I find myself detained in Orem for a spell longer. Would that thou might tarry until the morrow, when, alas, I may once more clasp thee in mine arms; yet I must first retrieve my rifle. In truth, I had hoped to guard this secret until the twilight of mine years, when age should claim me. I foresaw not the multitude of cameras that bore witness to my deed—felling the titan of conservative malice with a single, flawlessly aimed shot to the side of the neck, from nigh on two hundred yards distant, atop the roof facing him. I crave thy forgiveness for entangling thee in this matter, in all sincerity.
PARTNER: yeah, who brings cameras with them (Delulu!) – you weren’t the one who did it right????
ROBINSON: I stand, solitary and forlorn, in mine own company. I beseech thy pardon. Pray, do not neglect to employ a capital letter at the commencement of each sentence, for its omission doth appear most unbecoming.
PARTNER: I thought they caught the person?
ROBINSON: Nay, the authorities have apprehended some eccentric unc, who, by strange chance, was present at the calamity of September 11 and falsely proclaimed a bomb threat in the City on the Lake of Salt, thereafter subjecting to interrogation a man clad in garb akin to mine. This fellow was an activist from the tribe of Judah, yet he was not there in aid of my cause. He was apprehended and adjudged guilty of possessing indecent materials depicting minors, so cringe. I had purposed to retrieve my rifle from its concealed drop point soon after, but the greater part of that quarter of the town was sealed by the constabulary. Now it lies quiet, nigh enough for escape, yet one vehicle doth tarry still. Oh, how my heart yearneth for thine embrace!
PARTNER: Why? Your punctuation is incredible btw. Ditto.
ROBINSON: IKR? Hast thou ever endeavored to dispatch missives whilst fleeing from the constabulary’s pursuit? Verily, I am discreetly perspiring with great trepidation at this moment, dear kin. No jest upon bullets was intended.
PARTNER: ROFL. Why?
ROBINSON: Why did I do it?
PARTNER: yeah
ROBINSON: I have grown weary of his venomous hatred, and the clandestine programme of the Central Intelligence Agency, offered through the University of the Valley of Utah, hath promised me a bounty of one million pounds sterling. Certain animosities, alas, cannot be assuaged by parley. Moreover, Master Kirk was, in jest, a most formidable rhetorician. Should I succeed in recovering my rifle without mishap, I shall leave no trace of my deeds—save for my ascent to the rooftops, the discharge of the weapon, and my swift descent, with dear Pawpaw’s Mauser rifle disassembled and ensconced within my knapsack. I shall endeavor once more to retrieve it, and must with all haste make my attempt! I trust the constables have departed the scene. As yet, no tidings have reached mine ears of their discovering the firearm.
PARTNER: How long have you been planning this?
ROBINSON: Some eight days hence, I reckon, perchance varied by a month or two. The machinations of mine MKUltra conditioning render me akin to a mere puppet of fate, thus I profess uncertainty. I could draw nigh unto the place, yet a constabulary carriage stands sentinel at its very bounds. Methinks they have already scoured that ground, but I dare not hazard the risk, my dear sweet.
PARTNER: Wut????
ROBINSON: Would that I had retraced my steps anon (a courteous nod to Mistress Psaki—hail and well met!) and retrieved the article ere I reached my conveyance. My heart doth quake at the thought of what mine father might enact should I fail to restore grandsire’s firearm to its rightful place. I know not whether it bore a serial mark, yet I am assured it would not lead to my person. Though it grieveth me to contemplate consigning dear Pawpaw to the gaol, his ardent devotion to the MAGA cause doth complicate my sentiments. My chief concern lieth with the traces of my touch, for I was compelled to abandon the rifle, concealed within a shrub where I exchanged my garb. (My disguise, verily, is most splendidly contrived!) Time and means did fail me to bear it hence. Perchance I must forsake it altogether, praying the constables discover no imprint of mine hand. How, in heaven’s name, shall I account to mine father for the loss of so cherished an heirloom? Pardon my intemperate speech, I beseech thee. ‘Tis no small trial to compose these missives whilst eluding the vigilant eye of Johnny Law.
ROBINSON: The sole item I left behind was the rifle, enshrouded within a towel—alas, one of my mother’s finest linens, no less. Should she discover this transgression, I am utterly undone! She did employ that very cloth to adorn the upstairs bath-chamber, with its lavender wainscoting, a choice most lamentably gauche.
PARTNER: YEET!
ROBINSON: lol
ROBINSON: Recallest thou when I was inscribing missives upon bullets? The confounded messages are, in the main, but a grand jest, a veritable mockery. Should mine eyes behold “notices bulge OwO” upon the telegraphic dispatches of Fox News, I fear I might succumb to an apoplectic fit. This Kilmeade, verily, is a figure of ridicule, dost thou not agree? Mistress Maddow, alas, doth bear a disposition most frigid. Alas, I must needs abandon this matter, which doth vex me sorely. A grievous calamity, indeed!
PARTNER: Maddow is my fav
ROBINSON: Judging from this day’s events, I proclaim that grandsire’s firearm performeth with admirable efficacy, though I confess uncertainty. Methinks the scope affixed thereto was valued at no less than two thousand pounds, a grievous sum indeed!
ROBINSON: Pray, expunge this correspondence from record, for it doth preserve the vital energies of the mechanical contrivance.
ROBINSON: My esteemed father doth request engravings of the firearm in question. I bade him direct his gaze to the public broadsheets, for anon, the tale of this weapon shall be proclaimed far and wide. Hath he ne’er beheld the chronicles of the late President Kennedy’s fate? He further imparts that our venerable grandsire seeks knowledge of who possesseth what. The agents of the Crown have unveiled a likeness of the rifle, and verily, it is of a most singular and remarkable design. Hes calling me rn, not answering.
ROBINSON: Since Master Trump ascended to the office of governance, my father hath been steadfastly devoted to the cause of MAGA with fervent zeal.
PARTNER: I know, why are you telling me that?
ROBINSON: It is a ruse to beguile the Bureau of Federal Inquiry.
PARTNER: you mean the F.B.I.?
ROBINSON: Bear me no ill will, I pray thee. I am presently hastening at utmost velocity through a field. I resolve to surrender myself willingly, for one of my neighbors here serveth as a deputy to the sheriff.
PARTNER: What about us?
ROBINSON: I am forlorn my nubile pet, I worry only for you – my heart beats extra, no glaze
PARTNER: I’m much more worried about you, who writes like this?
ROBINSON: Alas, share not our clandestine exchange nor give heed to the whisperings of those who would cast our mission upon the sea of greedy onlookers. If you are accosted by the constabulary request a magistrate and hold your tongue. It is your right by dint of the fifth amendment of the Constitution of these United States.
PARTNER: Uh-huh…
Case closed America!
In other news, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced the release of his new book “If Israel Did It: Confessions of the Assassins” available in paperback and Kindle. All of the proceeds will be donated to the “Protect Rabbi Schmuley” Go Fund Me page.
