The International Fraternity of Feminists (IFF) meeting took place at the lovely Brettonwoods resort earlier this month, and these little ladies have a lot to bitch about, it seems.
For those unfamiliar with the term, Feminism it can be defined as “a range of socio-political movements and ideologies that aim to define and establish the political, economic, personal, and social equality of the sexes – all 284 of them to be exact, with 283 being feminine or feminine fluid. Speaking of feminine fluid, they may want to schedule it other than during a full moon because the passive-aggressive back-biting and hissing from these bimbos was enough to make a man cry little girly tears.
Scheduled to start at 8 am, the meetings were not able to convene until a quarter after ten as many of the participants struggled to find fashionably late parking and got hung up chatting and snacking in the foyer. However, once the call to arms was raised, these brazen hussies set out to craft the next wave of the movement.
The broad’s spectrum of issues were:
- Reproductive rights
- Holding doors and handling heavy overhead luggage
- Sexual assault, sexual harassment or sex work – how to monetize misery
- This year’s approved hair colors (irate red & hypoxic blue led the way)
- Existential threats: TERFs, Toddlers, Trads, Trump & Taylor Swift
- A few others we didn’t pay attention to since a playoff game was on in the sports bar
After breaking into focus groups, the birthing units reconvened to watch a short documentary on the history of the feminist movement’s accomplishments. Harkening back to days of yore, the film moved through a tableau of women’s clothing, beginning with lengthy hand-crafted dresses made by western women living under the patriarchy for pennies on the dollar to today’s triumphal peek-a-boo tops and skin-tight yoga pants made by less-privileged women and children also for pennies on the dollar.
A genuine sense of pride could be felt in the air as they celebrated overcoming male objectification by announcing this year’s top Only Fans earners. This was followed by a lecture on “How To Be A Strong Woman,” which, checking our notes, sounded a lot like acting more like men.
The early afternoon talks centered around women’s health issues, which looked at the victory won over the kitchen and the drudgery of home-cooked meals. The expert speakers asserted neither have any link to the West’s eating disorder and obesity epidemics, which they concluded are likely the result of climate change. A brief survey of the attendees was taken in regard to current mental health status. When asked, “What’s wrong with our current mental health crises?” the overwhelming answer from respondents was, “I’m fine.”
Next on the docket was women in politics. Women’s suffrage was celebrated alongside the question, “How did women leaders let America get $17 trillion in debt?” followed by a how-to lecture on organizing your wardrobe for activism. Some of the attendees went outside to burn their bras only to be met by dozens of eager men dutifully holding doors open in anticipation, which caused the protestors to reconsider. Several ladies were able to find an American flag and some complimentary Gideon’s Bibles they were able to burn instead.
The late afternoon sessions included a celebration for women’s equality by having both Aunt Jemima and Mia the Land O’ Lakes squaw ceremonially retired. A collective sigh of relief was shared as women would not have to worry about seeing these BIPOC, albeit cartoon, women subjected to mere commercial iconography as they sat down to start their day at breakfast. Girl power!
Also receiving the award for Womyn of the Year were Dylan Mulvaney, Caitlyn “Don’t Call Me Bruce” Jenner, and Rachel Lavine. Both Jenner and Lavine gave speeches thanking the fairer sex for their support of men becoming women in the name of feminism. Jenner, once the greatest male athlete on the planet, choked back the tears as s/he looked back on a year where she dominated her country club women’s golf league and also looked at a future in politics. Lavine likewise shared a semi-emotional address to the uteran class as s/he wondered “Who’d have thought an overweight, near-sighted, mentally ill man with bad skin could be a federal health secretary and Womyn of the Year – GOD BLESS AMERICA!” garnering a standing ovation.
The ovation was short-lived as the evening’s two keynote speakers took the stage. E. Jean Carroll and Claudine Gay shared the lectern, telling their heroic tales of woe in the face of still more patriarchal oppression. Carroll reminded the women it’s never too late to sue a man who may or may not have sexually assaulted you like the scene from Law and Order SVU, while encouraging the wee maidens to re-imagine rape as “sexy” and not to be afraid to take sex tips from your dog. Gay followed up by reminding women that plagiarism is not a crime but a matter of duplicative style and questionable attribution and that, even if one did it, and she wasn’t saying one did, women are still the victim in a world where a part-time professor makes just shy of nine-hundred thousand dollars.
Also meeting at the historic hotel was a small gathering of Moms for Liberty, who were offering a parenting seminar for new and expectant moms. As the scent of Johnson & Johnson baby powder wafted into the banquet hall, many of the IFF attendees began to wander over, only to find themselves smitten with the tiny humans being passed around the room. Though several instances of feminist fit-throwing occurred at the sight of the apparent betrayal, the Mom’s for Liberty chapter grew by nearly three hundred members in under an hour.
At the conclusion of the evening, the guests were to meet for dinner; however, the committee tasked with supplying the menu, despite having almost a year of planning, had yet to decide what they wanted to eat. In the rush back to the parking lot, many of the women found their EVs would not start in the sub-zero temperatures of Northern New England and had to wait inside drinking hot chocolate as a team of local men weathered the cold until their vehicles were drivable.
As a result of the disappointing failure to name the new wave, the ladies from IFF are merging with the Betty’s from NOW under the banner Women’s True Feminist organization for next year’s WTF conference.
