Concord State House To Build First Totally Inclusive 152 Bathroom Multiplex
A close third on the priority list for the Biden Administration, behind Ukrainians and illegal immigrants, is the ++ community. These are people so confused by math and science they cannot identify with a long-established biological binary. Rather than waste precious hours teaching them how to accept these realities, many of our nation’s educators have chosen to offer up new categories for them to embrace. Among these are: agender, bigender, furry, pangender, potgender, Teflonsexual, two-spirit, legionated and demon-seeded.
With the most recent printing of billions of fiat Federal Reserve notes, New Hampshire has been granted a generous $58 million to build the first ever totally inclusive bathroom multiplex. Wrapping around the State Capitol in the style of gilded log cabins, visitors and legislators alike will enjoy the opportunity to do their dirty work in complete comfort knowing, that even though all pipes flow to the same tank, they can clean their pipes in personalized privacy in these incredible public spaces.
New Hampshire’s Assistant Secretary of the Inferior, Bill Bradley, explains some of the hi-tech features those planning to drop in can expect. Mr. Brady announced despite overwhelming opposition from cis-women voters:
“There is nothing worse than having to end a meeting or miss a vote to go to the bathroom, which is why we’re including cameras in each stall so lawmakers can keep doing the people’s business while doing their business.”
Artificial Intelligence will utilize these cameras to either lift or lower the lid depending upon the person’s bathroom ID card, which they will use to gain entry. Those who identify as “neither” or “neutrois” will have access to all or no bathrooms depending upon their social media credit score.
Furries (people who pretend to be animals) can also expect human-sized litter boxes generously donated by the folks at Pet Supply in Nashua.
Local contractors are expected to break ground on this project in the fall of 2022 and finish sometime in the spring of 2029.
Nabisco’s Announces New Hoi Polloi Puffs
Consumer snack maker Nabisco will be unveiling its latest offering to fans later this fall. Following the recommendations to capitalize on insect protein, their new Hoi Polloi Puffs will contain a variety of snack choices while also coming in several exciting new flavors. Eager vice president of marketing, Juno Nutting, stated:
“The nice thing about climate change is doors are opening to new products. It’s almost heartwarming that another generation besides the Boomers is going to grow up enjoying the beetles.”
Beetles are just a portion of the insect family ground into tasty treats for mass consumption. Also making an appearance are arachnids and mealworms.
“Flavoring can get a little tricky so we’ve asked culinary experts to put together the best blends of herbs and spices to give our snacks each their own signature flavor. We’re also using Beetlejuice ™ to sweeten our new line of Bug Bites ™.
Look for the following labels from Nabisco on store shelves near you:
- Jalapeno Hoppers
- BBQ Cricket Chips
- Potato Thrips
- Doritodes
Senators Shaheen and Hassan are so excited about the idea they are working with the snack maker on building a manufacturing plant in Plaistow which will create jobs and utilize the growing insect population.
Displaced Ukrainians Thankful Americans Stand With Them
Foreign war correspondent Gage Steel took to the streets of Kiev this past week looking to discover how Ukrainians felt about the state of war in their country.
Anatoly Golka, a resident of Kramatorsk commented:
“I have a cousin who lives in Poland who tells us how many Americans are standing with us online” while standing outside the rubble that was once his home.
A professor of political science at the University of Kiev stated :
“I thank God for the Americans who are willing to put it online in face of that psychopath Putin and let him know, unequivocally on their social media, that they recognize the Ukrainian flag well enough to copy and paste it to their account.”
Bananas Fake News Network live streamed this interview once the missiles started to drop and is happy to report we had over ten thousand likes and gained at least five thousand new subscribers. Though we were unable to contribute any meaningful sustenance to help the displaced Ukrainians, we stand with the United States Congress in taking tens of billions of American tax dollars and entrusting them to a nation run by some of the finest Eastern European oligarchs. We have complete faith in former actor turned president Volodymyr “Ukraine’s Reagan” Zelensky, whose net worth of $830 million means he must be doing something right! Surely people who can make that much money in a country famous for corruption and human trafficking will be able to put America’s billions to good use.
Representatives Pappas and Kuster plan to present the “I Stand With Ukraine Day” bill later this month.
Prosperity Preachers Applaud Congress’ Health and Prosperity Bill
World famous prosperity gospel teachers and long-time members of Trinity Broadcasting Network issued a statement of admiration for the recent prosperity bill developed and passed by Congress. Observed Houston’s Joel Osteen:
“This bill does what we’ve been preaching about for years. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Christian or a Communist, the point of life is to be healthy and wealthy. This bill does that by ensuring that the healthy and wealthy will stay that way”
“We’ve been teaching the need to manifest your wealth – SPEAK IT INTO EXISTE-E-E-E-NCE!” shouted Kenneth Copeland as he boarded the smaller of his three private planes for an overnight stay on his private island.
“This only proves that God loves me and has loved me ever since He had the good sense to make me” opined Elevation Church founder Stephen Furtick. “I praise the God who uses the greatest Congress in the world to meet my needs! So blessed!”
Despite most economists warning the continued printing of money leads to inflation and acts as a tax on the middle and lower classes, the Trinity Broadcast Network has invited the bill’s drafters to celebrate this landmark legislation and will be holding a twenty-four-hour telethon this weekend to offset the cost of running the Lord’s business.
Body Found In Hunter Biden’s SUV
Hunter Biden was brought in by the Delaware State Police Department for questioning regarding the dead 14-year-old Asian prostitute found in the back of his Escalade. The coroner’s report showed signs of a struggle and fingerprints on the sides and back of her neck that matched Hunter’s. Several pounds of crack cocaine were found next to her body as well as a cell phone with a video of what appeared to be a man matching Hunter Biden’s physical characteristics who then monologue’s into the camera while smoking crack about why he had to kill her. Video face recognition software matched the male to Hunter Biden’s exact face and voice recognition software also was an exact match. When asked about the investigation a spokesperson for Delaware SPD said it was being ruled a suicide.
Later that day Delaware SPD issued a thank you to the Ukrainian energy company Burisma for recently donating thirteen fully armored SUVs and thirty three thousand dollars in ammunition.
