To the sober observer, it appears we have crossed over the pharmacological Rubicon where dealing in drugs, once the practice of the dark artists found in alleyways, college campuses, covens, and secret temples, is now so profitable it makes the GDP of a third world country seem like a weekend allowance.
Classifications of drugs have expanded like the American waistline, with such targeted titles as “amylon analogs” and “neuronal potassium channel inhibitors”, making today’s physicians a much classier version of yesterday’s witch doctors.
Days of yore found some haggardly looking warlock promising healing from a smoky vile of green elixir with names like “hog’s bane” have been replaced by hypodermic orange bottles neatly labeled and secured within a national database (for our safety), the contents of which are perfectly crafted pez-like caplets formed in laboratories to deliver the once promised magic.
The 1980s ushered in this new industry and had even the top artists of the day singing songs about them. One famous doctor, Huey Lewis, not to be confused with the neighborhood pharmacist Huey Newton who died tragically in a drug deal gone bad, sang his way to a Billboard number one spot by crooning what we all were thinking – “I Want A New Drug.”
We want to thank Johnny Bananas for this Op-Ed.
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Well, Huey, we still do, and thankfully here are some we’re told are in the works…
Name: SIMPASLAV
Classification: selection non-uptake inhibitor
Action: Causes women to give direct answers to direct questions rather than unrelated stories intended to give clues as to what they really mean.
Sample usage:
Man “Hey baby where would you like to eat?”
Woman “My orange dress is still at the dry cleaners.”
Man “Honey, did you remember to take your Simpaslav?”
Name: GUYAGRA
Classification: PED inhibitor
Action: This little blue pill increases male testosterone levels and arousal when asking for directions.
Name: SHARTEARA
Classification:
Action: Causes liars to have explosive flatulence while crying uncontrollably. The manufacturers recommend for all political officials including unelected.
Name: CLAIRVOLAX
Classification: pro-interpreter
Action: A drug that helps decipher both Joe Biden and Kamala Harris’s speech patterns.
Name: BOLLOXOR
Classification: mydriatic, anti-misinformant / anti-disinformant
Action: Automatically detects fake news while causing allergic reactions to fact-checking.
Name: EXERTAX
Classification: non-steroidal beta-blocker
Action: Makes you enjoy working out along with the sensation of sweating.
Name: ENJOYAJIB
Classification: stimulant
Action: Improves customer service experiences by causing those who collect money to experience gratitude for income supporting their business leading to low levels of elation.
Name: CARPOLOTINE
Classification: anti-spasmodic
Action: Causes motorists to obey all rules of the road especially signaling and discourages overly courteous acts such as waving people into oncoming traffic.
Name: IRRITRON
Classification: ergogenic
Action: Creates severe allergic reactions to video games in people under the age of sixty-five.
Name: IDOLEXA
Classification: antidote
Action: Causes people to remember Donald Trump, Q and Tom Brady are not Jesus.
Name: BERNITYL
Classification: anti-psychotic
Action: Causes people who espouse Marxist ideologies such as socialism, Critical Race Theory or use terms like cys, diversity, equity, inclusion, problematic, normativity and the like to develop hives in the shape of tiny hammers and sickles while lowering circulation to the hands causing the need to wear mittens.
Name: PEDOPAUSE
Classification: Contraceptive
Action: Causes hair to turn blue and store unwanted body fat in people who teach youth that aren’t their biological children about sexual preferences. In severe cases will create debilitating aching and impotency in their genitalia when watching any type of illuminated screen.
Name: TRIBALQUEL
Classification: Anti-racial hallucinogenic
Action: Causes users to see others as the race they most despise. For instance, Ibrahim Kinde would see all people as white people and conversely David Duke would see all people as black people. Kathy Griffin would see all people with slightly orange skin.
Name: FEMPEDESCAN
Classification: radiologic conjugating agent
Action: Emits soft yellow glow for women while driving that maintains brightness during daytime especially when driving foreign cars.
Name: ZIPPITUPSIS
Classification: anti-fungal, anti-karenic, anti-kenic
Action: Causes tongue swelling and seizures in bossy people.
Name: AQUAMAAM
Classification: zootrophic agent
Action: Gives biological women gills and fins when in water. Does not work for biological males.
What did we miss? Are there any drugs you’d like to see the industry develop? If so, please leave a comment below.
