The New York City Department of Health, experts at public Health in the COVID era the way drunks are experts at driving, has gone the extra mile. At some point during this mess, they produced 3-pages of guidance for New Yorkers with strategies to reduce the risk of spreading COVID-19 during “sex.”
First of all, YES! You can have sex, but they’ve got some tips and tricks to help you and your partner(s) reduce the spread of that pesky Chinese Virus.
After a section on how they think OVID-19 spreads, and they have no idea, we get to the amusing bits.
Have sex only with people close to you.
• You are your safest sex partner. Masturbation will not spread COVID-19, especially if you wash your hands (and any sex toys) with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and after sex.
Just make sure the personality you choose to “have sex with by yourself” is consenting.
• The next safest partner is someone you live with. Having close contact — including sex — with only a small circle of people helps prevent spreading COVID-19.
o Have sex only with consenting partners.
o To learn more about consent, visit on.nyc.gov/consent.
No evidence that your consent is required to be lockdown or quarantined, but since there is a left-wing protest exception, perhaps you can find one for sex out in the city.
Probably not. The three pages of guidance are pedestrian – until you get to this.
• Make it a little kinky. Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact.
Walls? You mean like in Whitmer’s Michigan?
Even partially closed doors, in my mind, present risks and challenges that only the desperate would dare attempt.
Why not recommend aluminum foil, plastic wrap How about a sheet of drywall instead of a whole wall (if you have some handy)?
There are probably more than a few empty boxes (stay away from the food delivery containers please). Perhaps you could use some cardboard? The Amazon.com box has a smile on it! Get creative.
But wait. Is single-wall corrugated cardboard (the most common) thick enough to prevent transmission? Do we fold it over? Will the ink bleed on my business, and what do we do if someone gets a paper cut or friction burns? Until recently, there were no treatment options. If you wanted to get “looked at,” you had to get COVID19 before they’d let you in the hospital, which sort of defeats the whole purpose.
I guess the answer is the same as everything else in Quarantine. Back to the first pull quote. You are your safest sex partner. Go it alone. Be an island. Or, in other words, the NYC Department of Health is telling you to go f**k yourself.