The debate over whether to celebrate Columbus Day or Indigenous People’s Day has reached a fever pitch as adherents to both are proposing one over the other. However the Town of Hartford has put forward a solution that attempts to satisfy everyone.
After researching the customs of South, Meso and North Americans peoples members from the Town Selectboard as well as the Hartford Committee on Racial Equity and Inclusion (HCOREI) have proposed a series of rituals to be held around town honoring the various people groups considered “indigenous”(re: born that way).
In solidarity with the Incan people’s the town is asking for several families to donate their children to be taken up to Hurricane Hill where they will perform a Qhapaq hucha ritual to appease Milton the god of hurricanes. Though this means a few children will be dead some in town are hoping it will keep this season’s varsity football winning streak alive.
The town’s Climate Advisory Committee members Lucas Gilbert and Claire Hopper have suggested a reenactment of the Chimu culture practice of mass child sacrifice in order to stop climate change. Locals concerned about the cost of education are suggesting we use the ten lowest performing students from each grade starting at kindergarten on up to eighth grade, which will help cut property taxes.
Looking to North American people’s senate hopeful Joe Major has reached out to the local Planned Parenthood asking for volunteers willing to honor the Cahokia, originally from the Mississippi River region near St. Louis, by aborting themselves along with their babies to help erect a mass grave like the one found near the Dickson Mounds some 100 miles north of the city. Major promises to return the favor once he becomes senator by securing more funds for the clinic having a Major Pain wing added to the existing structure.
One lucky girl will be chosen by lottery to authenticate the Pawnee Morning Star Ceremony intended to bring good luck in the year ahead. The town has asked for the daughter of a Democrat to ensure the election will result in a Kamala Harris victory.
Board member Mary Erdei has volunteered to use her white privilege to read from Howard Zinn’s “A People’s History of the United States” after which she and Ida Greisemer will host a Race 2 Dinner session for several lucky white ladies to confront their inherent racism and role in perpetuating a system of injustice. Cost of the dinner is $1,500 per person with the proceeds going to the honored guests to help pay off their student loans.
Also participating in the combo-holiday event will be the Knight’s of Columbus who will sail across the Connecticut River from NH before reading from the Bible about how to love your enemies and raise children up in the way they should go so they do not depart from it.
