Nearly 1.4 billion Roman Catholics breathed a sigh of relief yesterday as the wait for the next Pope to be drafted concluded with the traditional signal of accomplishment as the Holy Spirit pours forth from the holy chimney courtesy of the holy smokes machine. A palpable sound of relief emitted from the onlookers as the white smoke poured out, indicating the record of 266 straight white popes has extended to 267. Although some speculate that black smoke would herald the first ever black pope, the recent decline in DEI hires means the long and storied history of racism is alive and well in Vatican City. The growing body of gay clergy is still holding out hope one day to see lavender smoke.
As the world welcomed Robert “Bob” Prevost to the papacy the news spread like syphilis reminiscent of the reign of Pope Orange Julius II (1503-1513) so named due to the discoloration of his feet after contracting the communicable disease causing many of the faithful to take a pass on the tradition of kissing the holy toes and opting for a ring finger instead, a tradition that continues to this day.
Born in Chicago in 1955 to parents of Spanish and Franco-Italian descent, Prevost served as an altar boy and was ordained in 1982. A former roommate of his, Reverend Leroy Brown, described Prevost to the BBC as “outgoing”, “down to earth” and “very concerned with the poor”. Brown waxed fondly over the time Bob came to his aid after Leroy found himself in some trouble for trying to make off with a married man’s wife. After a severe beating at the hands of the jilted husband, Bob, known for his social justice and community organizing work in the area, encouraged Leroy to leave his life of crime and either become a communist or enter the clergy. Leroy chose the latter, and the story was immortalized by the famous folk singer Jim Croce.
“I was born in the United States… But my grandparents were all immigrants, French, Spanish… I was raised in a very Catholic family, both of my parents were very engaged in the parish,” he said. His family was so Catholic that they got into a contest to see who could pray the rosary the longest. Pope Bob’s brother Terry is still going and is on his four hundred eighty-seven thousandth six hundred and sixty-sixth Hail Mary as we speak. Terry is also on his third set of total knee replacements. Amen.
During his time in Peru, he was unable to escape the sexual abuse scandals that have clouded the Church, even though his diocese has fervently denied he has been involved in any attempted cover-up. However everyone knows that if you want to become Big Papa you have to get involved in at least a few games of cover-up, which is why Bob spent summers at Boys Town where he worked as a booking agent for aspiring call boys servicing an elite group of Washington D.C. politicians under the Reagan administration, allegedly.
Upon hearing the next vicar of Christ was named Bob the internet was awash with rumors the vaunted J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, iconic figurehead for the Church of the Sub-genius (COTS), had staged a coup however Dobbs and co-founder of the discordian Sub-genius cult Ivan Stang are serving consecutive life sentences after fleecing their followers by selling “Slack” certificates totaling in the billions of dollars.
As the Pope draft rolled around, several vital questions began to ruminate amongst the Cardinals. Among them were where Bob stood on climate change, infant baptism, switching the Pope-mobile to an EV, and, given his windy city roots, was he a Sox or Cubs fan? Consistent with the church’s infallible position dating back to Galileo, Bob believes the sun rotates around a flat earth and that man has complete dominion over the climate, which needs to change if we are ever going to make progress toward climate equity. Infant baptism, he believes, is permissible “so long as the child can swim.” he’s a big fan of switching to an EV, preferably made by Ferrari, and despite being a Cardinal, he is a long-time fan of the Cubs because “the Sox are just terrible”. Bob also put up impressive Papal combine numbers where he set records in blessing thirty-seven congregants in under two minutes while also completing a rosary in a stunning eleven seconds.
Given that the Catholic church is one of the largest financial institutions in the world, Pope Bob was asked if he intends to make any changes after American President Donald Trump’s tariffs have lowered collection offerings nearly 10%. He likes the idea of selling off several thousand acres of land and parishes, then leasing them back to the church at a 10% margin. He has also ordered the Roman Curia to put iconic items on eBay, where bidders can take home such venerated objects as the Shroud of Turin, a tiara, and an assortment of zucchettos and Miters all signed by the Grand Pontiff. “We were looking at reestablishing plenary indulgences; however, we think opening up St. Peter’s Basilica as an Airbnb has a much bigger upside,” said Bishop Herman Newtick.
In keeping with his progressive predecessor, Pope Bob has shown support for allowing women to join the Dicastery for Bishops for the first time. In 2024, he told the Catholic News Service that women’s presence “contributes significantly to the process of discernment in looking for who we hope are the best candidates to serve the church in Episcopal ministry”, which would be the opinion of a lifelong celibate bachelor.
Also commenting on the new Supreme Patriarch, President Trump, who has declared to have done more for Christians than Jesus Christ, has extended tacit approval and put in an offer to buy the Catholic Church and relocate the headquarters to Jerusalem in hopes the world’s religions can all “make nice”. This has roused many to reassert that Trump is in fact the anti-Christ, to which his press secretary issued the following statement: “No comment.”
In other news the actual anti-Christ announced he is the true Pope at a press conference last week citing lineage from Mohammend, St. Peter, Jesus Christ and L. Ron Hubbard. However anti-Christ experts and critics state he can’t be the true AC given he hails from Mooresville, Indiana and was a C-student at nearby Ivy Tech where he studied religious cults, and that the real Pope would never wear a beanie. Of course, he wouldn’t.
Peace be with you, and also with you.
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