Some several hundred art students and trust fund babies lined the streets of Warren, Vermont this past weekend armed with hand drawn signs and musical instruments designed to raise heck in protest of the nation’s Vice President J.D. Vance attempting to take his family on a ski trip to nearby Sugarbush Ski Resort. The crowd braved severe climate change to line the streets and suck down exhaust as fellow Vermonters just trying to get on with their day were forced to read poorly spell-checked and even more questionably rendered drawings of everything from Donald Trump’s swastika pocked face to flat-earth images. Welcome to Vermont!
As irony sharpens irony, these “moms for peace” are ready to kill the Vice President and his boss for not supporting Ukraine as it literally drags its young men to the fighting lines to die on behalf of Western hegemony. Estimates of the loss of life between the two combatants are nearing one and a half to two million, but that never stopped these mostly peaceful abortionists from using American tax dollars to shed more blood.
Among the co-belligerents were the strange bedfellows from both the LGBTQ-anon and pro-Palestine camps who were forced to share a sidewalk ever since Trump’s DOGE team put a halt to their USAID funding. One mom, armed with a snare drum and her six-year old daughter, channeled her American revolutionary energy to hammer out the back-beat for a nearly two-hour long series of “Hey-hey, ho-ho, J.D. Vance has got to go”. The original number will be featured on the soundtrack to the next Michael Moore film, where an MS-13 member and his friend from Tren De Aragua stop a meteor from hitting the earth after they develop a cure for cancer.
It was around mid-morning when V.P. Vance’s motorcade rolled through town when the first assassination attempt occurred. While waiting in the turning lane, a couple of motorists staged the famous overly-polite-let-me-wave-you-into-oncoming-traffic maneuver that nearly worked to perfection… except when the offending Chevy Bolt folded up like a fitted sheet against the galvanized government-grade Tesla SUV. When asked later about the incident, the V.P. said they thought they’d “been hit by a large snowball.” However, that would come later.
Once on the ski slopes with his not diverse enough family, the Second Fiddle Fuhrer was repeatedly targeted with lethal snowballs; however, most of them fell short or wide of the mark due to the feeble and un-athletic nature of the assailants, most of whom were theater majors or practicing vegans. Secret Service decided not to detain any of the perpetrators as they “were not a feasible threat”.
Governor Scott held a press conference ahead of the Vice President’s visit asking Vermonter’s to “make the Vice President feel welcome”, which many took to mean let’s show him how Vermonter’s handle Nazi’s by waving pro-Nazi Ukrainian and Palestinian flags just like when the Nazi’s hated Russia – suck it Jews!
Banana’s Media interviewed some of the protestors to ask what message they were trying to send the Vice President. Saffron Lavoie, who traveled all the way from Montpelier for her seventh protest in just over two weeks, explained, “Ukraine is a small country, and Russia is a bigger country. Russia invaded Ukraine, and that’s bad.” Totes fur-sure.
Standing next to Miss Lavoie her boyfriend Peregrine Falcone stated he came to “punch Nazi’s in the face” before being immediately hauled off by Secret Service as his girlfriend chased after them warning them to be careful because he has low blood sugar and a peanut allergy as she brandished an EpiPen before also being taken into custody.
After several hours on the slopes and another forty-eight failed assassination attempts, the V.P. and his family decided to enjoy a remote skiing location before retiring to their secret villa for some gluten-free cider donuts and sustainably sourced Vermont craft beer.
