Despite the United States government working overtime to ensure the safety of its citizens in Israel, a recent memo from the Federal Bureau of Investigation has alerted national law enforcement about the disappearance of beleaguered financier and scientific philanthropist Jeffrey Epstein’s long awaited client list which couldn’t be kept safe even on the desk of the Attorney General. Weird.
Epstein, like most members of congress, enjoyed dual-citizenship in both America and our greatest ally Israel. Also like most members of congress he had a taste for the finer things in life like Caribbean Islands, insider financial information, celebrity friends and trips to Disney World because the space between philanthropy and philandering in the dictionary is smaller than most children. It’s always about the children fam.
However that should not take away from the massive contributions he made to the worlds of finance and science where he became a billionaire almost overnight despite lacking credentials, and also maintained an office at Harvard despite lacking the education. One doesn’t need a degree from the London School of Economics to understand how to evade taxes or launder money, these are skills that can only be taught via the school of hard knocks. Epstein’s interest in science indicates he was as much a savant as the rest of us are idiots for thinking we were ever going to see official validation from the F.B.I. regarding his now infamous client list. A list that, much like a universal legal standard for all citizens, never existed.
We have known for some time the formerly stalwart institution has fallen on hard times thanks to the left’s insistence on defunding the police. Under the Biden administration the agency was reduced to a tattered version of its former self back when America was great. One recalls those halcyon days when even J. Edgar Hoover could run a tight ship while wearing a dress because men, despite what your feminist sister with the hairy armpits says, just know how to lead Margaret. Which is why Pam Blondi and her ridiculous pantsuit needs to step down because after reporting to the world the Epstein client list was sitting on her desk she somehow managed to lose it like a 16 year-olds virginity at a P. Diddy house party. Inexcusable.
Also dumbfounded by this comedic attempt at law enforcement were F.B.I. Director Kash Patel and Deputy Director Dan Bonjourno who previously voiced grave concerns about the importance of Jeffrey Epstein’s case remaining in the public spotlight. Their appointments by Donald “Grab ‘em by the p***y” Trump were tied to their promise to the American people they would clean house in the agency and restore it to its once vaunted status as the world’s leading law enforcement agency. This promise included the release of the Epstein, JFK and Martin Luther Vandross files. However it appears their version of cleaning house and that of the people are as far apart as Director Patel’s pupils.
Any serious student of legal precedence knows that you don’t promise to produce records that don’t exist. This is entry level high school stuff folks because we interviewed the high school aged masseurs who frequented Epstein island and even they know you can’t submit evidence that doesn’t exist thanks to the tutelage they received from Harvard legal expert Alan Dershowitz. Dershowitz, in essence, reminded them of the legal maneuver known as “not getting caught with your pants down”. Which is why he gets paid the big bucks folks.
Of course the inter-webs are crawling with conspiracy theories and anti-Semitic tropes because Epstein was Jewish, as is his madame Ghislaine Maxwell and her father Robert Maxwell and his lawyer and confidant who happened to be Anthony Blinken’s step-dad, both Jewish. Other’s note his original financier and wealthiest man in Ohio, Les Wexner, is Jewish. Wexner is also the founder of Victoria’s Secret, so named because sexy young women need to know when to put on lingerie and when to keep their mouths shut. Or they’ll bring up Dartmouth grad and Jewish finance mogul Leon Black who was found guilty then innocent of tax fraud associated with payments to Epstein, or even former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak who happens to be Jewish and visited Epstein’s island over thirty times, and was even living at his Manhattan estate. They’ll also point out Epstein’s neighbor in Manhattan is current Trump appointee as Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick. Sure, that’s a lot of Jews, or as Dave Chappelle would say, “Like A LOT”. Yet also as the great comedian observed, there’s a lot of black people in Ferguson, Missouri but that doesn’t mean they run the place. As the kids say these days, it’s all a “cohencidence”. It’s not enough to be an anti-semite folks, you need to be an anti-anti-Semite, which is why we have laws for that behavior.
Conspiracy theorists, who admittedly are batting almost a thousand other than the moon landing and the flat earth, are keen to point out the staggering odds of the most heavily secured prison in the United States having its cameras malfunction and guards fall asleep on a night where the country’s most famous inmate in Jeffrey Epstein, despite being on suicide watch, broke his own neck with an extension cord on loan from a janitor over the shear angst of wrongful imprisonment in the one minute span not recorded by the cameras that turned out were working. Banana’s Legal & Special Homeland Investigative Team (BLSHIT) asked CHAT GPT what the odds were of such a strange confluence of events all occurring at precisely the same time. It’s still calculating which we’re guessing means it’s pretty high, which also means it’s damn near impossible so why would anyone lie about it? Think people!
These are public servants sworn to uphold the constitution and defend our social democracy. We pay them good money to tell us the truth. Nobody making low six-figures would risk that kind of coin in this economy. That’s crazy talk. Occam’s safety razor means the simplest explanation is the most likely explanation if it keeps the people in power safe. Using that calculus it’s obvious that Pam Blondi, as her name suggests, got done applying white out to her computer screen to correct her spelling errors and simply mistook her own rolodex as the Epstein client list. Let’s not over think this. She was probably menopausal too. And, as far as we know, she’s a woman. Need I say more?
An irritated President Trump recently berated a reporter for asking about Epstein despite all of the troubles currently facing Americans while sitting in a White House conference room that recently went green by installing new LED lights to replace the vintage gaslights being used by previous administrations.
Thankfully we can put this all behind us and get back to focusing on what really matters to Americans and that is what are we going to do about these anti-Israeli protestors in our Ivy League schools? Luckily Donald Trump apportioned $150 billion dollars from his Big Beautiful Bill to implement Palantir’s mass surveillance software across all of the federal government platforms so we can keep an eye on everyone, what they buy and sell, where they travel, and which people they talk about on social media who are just trying to bring order to this new world we all find ourselves in. It’s about time!
In other news the F.B.I. has ruled the JFK assassination a suicide based on new evidence reviewed on the Zapruder film which shows the president deliberately leaning his head back and to the left knowing his massive noggin’ would get blown to pieces upon hearing the gun shots from a nearby book suppository. JFK was also sitting next to a woman.
Case closed.
Got Something to Say, We Want to Hear It. Comment or submit Op-Eds to steve@granitegrok.com
