Americans as a people are quite fond of balls. From the relatively tiny balls in and airplane’s ball bearings that our government will happily purchase for forty-six thousand times standard markup, to the large and incredibly private masked balls the same people who make up the government like to parade themselves about with their eyes wide shut, we have nearly every ball imaginable in virtually every size available in this great land.
Which is why it should come as no surprise that Elon Musk tapped into the testosterone filled younger male demographic in order to tackle the job of auditing government waste and corruption. “Sorry ladies”, the professional Martian and the only African immigrant the left wants to make illegal said, “but it’s going to take a lot of balls to fight this war.”
Using his social media megaphone known as X the eccentric billionaire, who is “on the spectrum”, began to list out the full spectrum of details at just how bad our elected and unelected representatives have been screwing us.
Of course, once word got out about DOGE (Department of Government Efficiency) and it’s barely post-pubescent band of brothers exposing the American public to what is likely the largest grift in world history, the grifters began to scream as one would when caught with their pants down while screwing an entire nation.
Senate minority leader and world renowned meat expert Chuck Schumer criticized DOGE’s “lack of transparency” by stating “Before our very eyes, an unelected shadow government is conducting a hostile takeover of the federal government”, which is known among big ballers as projection. He added that DOGE gaining access to sensitive information was “like letting a tiger into the petting zoo and hoping for the best”, which is a reminder of his fondness for hanging around petting zoos. Weird.
Also choking on the reality that a young man who has used the online nickname “Big Balls”, at the tender age of nineteen, is lifting the skirts of the USAID and State Departments and finding they’ve soiled themselves, the now chaste women at CNN and MSNBC are blushing. No doubt forgetting what a man with balls looks like these fair maidens clutched their pearls in disbelief that a young man in today’s America would emerge from school into the professional world still thinking about sex when everyone knows that’s a topic for first graders.
Of course the real scandal is not the silly nicknames wont to be used by incels from the tech world, but the gigantic balls it must have taken to sequester billions in American tax payer dollars to secretly fund the following:
- Haiti Post-2010 Earthquake: Approximately $1.14 billion was spent on a port and power plant project promoted by President Bill Clinton. Despite the significant investment, no infrastructure was actually built. (Oh look, the Clintons are accused of scamming the Haitians. Shocker.)
- Cuba Democracy Promotion: A 2006 audit revealed that $74 million allocated for “democracy promotion” was spent without proper oversight or competitive bidding. This led to misuse, with funds reportedly spent on items like gaming equipment, luxury goods, and other non-essential items (Like the limited edition Bill Clinton cigar set.)
- Afghanistan Health Programs: The U.S. Office of the Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction reported that millions of dollars were wasted on public health programs due to fraud, waste, and abuse. An example includes a hospital project that was significantly delayed and overcharged. (USAID playing doctor with the Taliban. Cute.)
- Serbia DEI Initiatives: USAID allocated $1.5 million to advance “diversity, equity, and inclusion” in Serbian workplaces, which some critics argue diverts funds from more direct development needs. (Which taxpayer hasn’t wondered when Serbia was going to get going on the DEI stuff?)
- Al Qaeda-Linked Meals in Syria: There are allegations that USAID-funded meals were sent to fighters linked to Al Qaeda, suggesting a failure in the oversight of aid distribution to ensure it does not support terrorist groups. (Because we wouldn’t want them to operate the billions in armaments we left them on an empty stomach.)
Of course if you’re going to have the balls to fleece the most heavily armed citizenry in the world you need to provide yourself cover, which is why USAID also funded groups like Media Matters, Politico and the New York times to help control the “that never happened” narrative. Also keeping the laundering on spin cycle were nine of the top ten Ukrainian news outlets who were essential for combating all of the Russian bots with the nerve to play along on X.
Investigative journalist Ryan Matta had the balls to explain to Tim Pool that “USAID is the money laundering arm of the CIA”. Among it’s “aiding” international development are promoting abortions in third world countries, promoting abortions via Christian groups, and changing regimes like diapers. Dabney Coleman said it best when he said…
Of course in this day in age it takes incredibly big balls to misgender someone, especially if they are a member of congress, but that didn’t stop Mary Miller (R–Ill) from free speeching fellow congressperson Sarah (nee Tim) McBride right out of the ballpark.
Finally, the biggest of the big balls, otherwise known as the Super Bowl, was held on Sunday and the litmus test for whose got bigger balls was quickly settled when both Taylor Swift and Donald Trump were put up on the big screen. The bad blood between the two was finally put to rest as the crowd showered the pop star with boos while they rained down cheers on the man who was shot in the head only to stand up and run the ball right down the deep states throat.
Clearly he has the biggest balls of them all.
