Despite having lower approval ratings than people who club baby seals, Joe Biden faced the nation last week to deliver the annual State of the Union address. After a lengthy wait for him to arrive at the Capitol, where many wondered if he might have fallen or gotten lost, again, the gamey 80-year-old entered the house to a cacophony of groans and forced adulation as he made his way to the dais.
Hearty greetings from California Senator Stu Sycophant and New York representative Jerry Diddler, as well as a series of the once culturally relevant practice of taking selfies, was stopped abruptly when Georgia’s Margorie Taylor Greene, clad in red MAGA hat and a blazer barely hiding her AR-15, confronted the old codger to “say her name.” The normally nimble octogenarian looked as if he’d seen the Grimm Reaper, who stood only a few feet behind him, before dutifully repeating “her name.” Despite utterly missing the point, his sea of congressional fans erupted into applause at his first of many elementary cognitive victories for the evening.
The rumor mill had it on good intelligence that his speech writers had been working hard for weeks to craft the most inclusive and uniting speech in the history of inclusivity. After the one-sided applause died down, he addressed the crowd and got off to a good start by stating “If I was smart I would go home right now”. This would be his only statement that drew unanimous praise, and yet in sticking around, he proved the point many assumed he was making – that he is not smart and likely doesn’t know how to get home.
As the potent cocktail of Adderall, amphetamines, and adrenochrome passed the blood-brain barrier, the most powerful man in the world morphed into a raging orator with the singular focus of a death star laser beam. As he launched into his Hitlerain woke-handwerk, he reminded his listeners this was “no ordinary moment”, which any eighty-year-old hopped up on Class A stimulants instead of in bed sleeping at that hour is likely to believe.
“Freedom and democracy are under attack!” he reiterated as it came through the microscopic earpiece. The roomful of secret pedophiles jumped up in raucous applause reminiscent of a high school pep rally. No sooner were they seated when their dear leader slur-screamed another preferred phrase, causing them to hop up again, and again, and again in what appeared to be a game of stationary musical chairs that would qualify as leg-day for most Crossfitters.
“Stand with Ukraine!”and “No American soldiers!” followed by a quote from the Democrat’s favorite president, Ronald Reagan—“Mr. Grab-a-chair tear down this wall”—had the crowd so overcome with excitement that they wept like a room full of Adam Kinzingers as they chanted, “Four more years!”
Of course, no speech would be complete without a reminder of the massive threat posed by Donald Trump and his band of insurrectionists who made Pearl Harbor look like the Boston Tea Party on January 6th. Democracy and history were anthropomorphized, both threatened and “literally watching” on this night. Yet the crowd of highly paid and easily manipulated political puppets was overcome as their speaker continued to avoid stroking out despite multiple veins bulging from his head that were large enough to be seen from space by the naked eye.
Second only to the hatred of Trump is the hatred of unborn babies who dare to seek citizenship in these United States, which is why the president vowed to reinvigorate the War on Fetuses by making Roe v. Wade the law of the land again. Even Senator Bernie Sanders couldn’t mask his excitement despite literally wearing a mask.
After quickly consulting his note card, the teleprompter synced back up to his hearing device, guiding him through a litany of the emperor’s new successes. “Consumer confidence is at an all-time high” which could be taken to mean consumers are confident the products they want to consume are at an all-time high. His next statement was difficult to make out other than “Buy American,” which must have been aimed at the Chinese to whom he sold much of our strategic oil reserve. Not yet tired from the seemingly endless set of Roman Catholic-like sit-to-stand-and-clap sessions, the indefatigable room erupted as Mr. Biden took a hard stance on shrink-flation and vowed to get both Snickers and Doritos in his crosshairs. Hardly a more American moment has happened within the confines of this hallowed building.
Somehow, in between naps and vacation days, he says he will:
- Lower drug prices – both legal and illegal
- Adopt housing tax credits
- Lower rents
- Give us the best education system in the world – yes us
- Give every three and four year-old child a running start
- Stand up for seniors (which the crowd was clearly already doing)
- Get rid of junk fees – not junkees – sorry red team
- Reduce credit card fees
- Pass a border bill and create a surveillance state to capture fentanyl
- Stop the banning of child porn books in school libraries
- Raise the federal minimum wage
- Get behind transgender people
- Stop climate change dead in its tracks
- Create a climate change youth army he will personally triple in a decade if it kills him, assuming he’s still alive.
Then, borrowing a page from Vladimir Putin, he gave a brief history lesson referencing his old friend and former Grand Dragon Edmund Pettus, over whose bridge crossed the venerable John Lewis on his way to vote Democrat in the South in perpetuity. Ahhh, those were the days.
A brief humble-brag about violent crime falling to the lowest levels in fifty years thanks to aggressive non-policing and anti-prosecuting of criminals was ironically paired with the need for more community officers. We’re guessing they will simply stand around and cheer on all of the non-crime not taking place in our cities. Like Morning Cup-a-Joe Scarborogh said, if you don’t see the man is a genius then F-U.
The make-a-wish foundation speech meandered on and on like an old man lost in a garden but managed to find its crescendo when the cantankerous codger artfully referenced Martin Luther King Jr. with an air of world-class pandering. His speech writers, most likely Harvard grads, literally para-plagiarized the “I Have a Dream” speech by simply re-phrasing it to “I see a future” as the pasty mostly-ninety-year-old magically turned black before our very eyes. After which he headed over to the congressional gymnasium for a game of one-one-five against Byron Donald, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Matt Gaetz, and Lauren Boobert. The president won 11-0 after repeatedly dunking on the Republican team right in their faces.
So, with the election still to come, and the lingering question of whether or not black people will figure out how to vote, the president would like to remind you if you have a problem knowing whether to vote for Donald Trump or Joe Biden then you ain’t….
