It seems like she was just a fresh face out of high school only a short while ago, running up and down stadiums belting out feel-good hits about young love. Today she is Taylor Swift, Super Bowl LVIII Champion.
After another long season wearing down her body, giving her all to her fans, Swift descended onto the field in Las Vegas for a shot at becoming the first female celebrity Super Bowl champion. Her pre-game warm-up routine was lengthy and comprehensive, as many were questioning if she had the speed and stamina to play on the world’s biggest stage. As if!
As has become common practice for Sunday warriors, Swift painted her face with dark black rings around her eyes, likely to intimidate her opponents, and bold red markings around her lips and mouth, evoking an almost savage cannibalistic visage sure to drain the blood from the hearts of the men she would soon destroy. The famous trail of bodies she has left in her wake, notwithstanding last night’s carnage of masculine football hopefuls, was the thing of legends. It takes a lot of balls to play in the NFL when you’re a 5’11” 107-pound female. Luckily, she spent the night collecting them from the unlucky sacks on the field.
Early in the first quarter Swift led her team with an aggressive combo air-ground attack that had the San Fransisco 49ers defense guessing what would she do next? Her usually electric touch turned to bad luck and bad blood as one of her supporting role players fumbled the ball, leading to a 49ers field goal and the early lead. As the camera panned to the sidelines, she could be seen mouthing “I knew you were trouble” to the dejected receiver who would not return to the game.
Still in the first half Swift set out to score with the new guy on the field who uncharacteristically also came up short on a third down option-pass-read-delay-up-the-middle-Statue-of-Liberty-screen-fake-sweep-back-to-the-sideline-hot-route that had been working all season, however the Niner’s defense read it like an Hemingway novel and forced a punt. Swift sat on the sideline with a blank space look on her face before coach Andy Reid told her to shake it off and get back in the game. Moments later, her boyfriend Travis Kelce nearly knocked the coach over in a tirade for having not been in on the crucial third down play, prompting Swift to separate the two and telling Kelce what every emotionally charged lover needs to hear at a moment like that – “you need to calm down,” which he did immediately.
Trailing at the midway point, Swift, rather than watch the unusually tame half-time show featuring a mostly clothed Usher and friends, took the opportunity to motivate her team. Taking responsibility for her less-than-stellar performance, she told them, “I did something bad,” before reminding them, “You belong with me.” This moment was like “our song,” finally asking them, “Are you ready for it?” repeatedly until she ran out of cliché song lyrics.
The third quarter began with a couple of streakers running out onto the field only to be apprehended by security. Game analysts Tony Romeo and Jim Nantzipants had a good laugh, as we all know if you want to be on the field naked at the Super Bowl, you need to be part of the half-time show.
A long march down the field culminated in a score off a cleverly designed play called the getaway car, where Swift faked falling down injured, causing the field full of men to rush to her aid only to quickly pitch the ball to an undefended running back who scampered untouched into the end zone. The mad genius of Andy Reid and his ability to manipulate the opposing team like a classroom full of children tied the game headed into the fourth quarter.
Attempting to mount a historic comeback reminiscent of Bud Light after they cut Dylan Mulvaney to bring Peyton Manning and Emmitt Smith out of retirement, Swift marched her team across midfield before calling a read-option-sequin-dime-trap-curl-route-matrix-collarbone-shuffle-pass to the flat that led to yet another turnover. The replay appeared to show her pass had been thrown behind the receiver who she was seen berating on the sidelines. The cameras could see her telling her teammate, “Look what you made me do,” before walking away, muttering what appeared to be, “We are never ever getting back together.” Heeeellls naw!
Needing a miracle, Swift headed up to the executive boxes, where some of her friends obliged by calling on the Prince of Darkness to stifle the 49ers, who had packed the stands with Bay Area faithful in the familiar environs of Sin City. As they waved their spiritual gang signs furiously in the air, Swift could be seen slamming back a drink like the big boss lady she is before running back onto the field and sacrificing a live chicken to Molech.
The fourth quarter saw Swift single-handedly bringing her team back from the brink. After wisely summoning demonic energy to tilt the odds in her favor, she literally ran over the backs of her linemen before throwing a pass to herself to tie the game. Cameras panned to the celebrity fan box and caught a gape-mouthed Tom Brady jumping up and down in admiration of this gridiron goddess who was shredding his records like an FBI agent.
In overtime, the 49ers could only manage a field goal, which set the stage for Miss Tay-Tay to do the unthinkable. After fielding the kick-off, she ran headlong into the heart of the 49ers’ special teams’ defense before breaking into a Siren-like song that mesmerized her tacklers and the stadium half-full of ex-boyfriends. Then, in what appeared to be a series of laterals to herself, she galloped down the field doing cartwheels into the end-zone, winning her first Super Bowl of what fans believe will be many given the steady stream of league “talent.” Following the game, she thanked black people for the month of February before giving herself the vaunted Lombardi Trophy.
An emotional and still single Tom Brady was seen openly weeping in the crowd.
