A child’s death must be one of the worst and most excruciating experiences a parent ever has to live through. When it is a death by suicide, there are undoubtedly other emotional factors that family and friends have to deal with.
Our family was devastated by a recent suicide of a young man who was close to our family. We’ve shed many tears over this enormous loss.
When I read that SAU16 students wanted to include a memorial page in the yearbook for three students (friends) they had lost, it seemed like a meaningful way to honor their classmates. Unfortunately, school administrators disagreed and denied their request–but could they have at least allowed some kind of memorial in the year book?
The first question was, were the parents of the children who had passed aware that their children would be memorialized in this way, and did they agree? The last thing anyone wants to do is add pain to grieving families. The parents of the three students agree with this memorial to their children. I wouldn’t have supported the petition if they had not agreed, but I also suspect that the students would have honored their decision.
Students decided to start an online petition that reads:
Hi! We are members of the Yearbook Club & Exeter High School’s Class of 2023. We requested permission from our principal to include a page dedicated to the 3 members of our class whom we’ve lost along our journey to graduation. Unfortunately, we were denied access, even though we would have gained permission from each family first. We are hoping that we can get students, families, and other community members on board to help support our goal of showing our love, respect, and support to those who are no longer with us as we close out our high school experience. The goal of this petition is not to guarantee that a change is made, but rather to show awareness to a situation that impacts many of our students and to hopefully show that there are people in support of this addition to the yearbook.
None of this is easy, and I suspect that school officials do want to be careful about glorifying suicide in some way. How would other children respond? It’s a legitimate concern. I gave this a lot of thought before signing the petition. But children in the school have had to deal with this. They know what happened– they’ve felt the pain of losing their friends. They want to do something to honor and show love toward their friends. If administrators and board members care about the emotional well-being of the students, they should find a way to honor the friends they’ve lost in a dignified and thoughtful way.
Here are some suggestions that school administrators might follow:
Memorials After a Suicide
Memorials following a suicide are particularly important to monitor. The following approaches are recommended:
• Do not make a permanent memorial following a suicide.
• Do not glorify, highlight, or accentuate the event in any way.
• Choose memorials that are temporary, nonrenewable, or in the form of a “living” memorial (e.g., monetary
donation to charity or research, purchase of a suicide prevention program for students). These memorials will positively affect surviving students as opposed to glorifying the students that died by suicide, which increases the risk that others will copy the act.Every decision made regarding memorials after a student suicide will be extremely important, because it may help prevent the death of another student. It has been estimated that 100–200 students die each year in suicide clusters. School administrators and mental health staff can help by making recommendations not to establish permanent memorials after a death by a suicide. Memorials following a suicide may glamorize death or communicate that suicide is an appropriate or desired response to stress. School staff should discourage whole-school assemblies, full-page dedications in a yearbook, establishment of a scholarship, flying a flag at half mast, or any long-term commemoration. Spontaneous memorials (balloons, flowers, pictures, and letters) should be removed or allowed for only a short time.
Having an established school policy that addresses memorials in the district, and educating students, staff, and parents, will help to alleviate potential hard feelings and resentment by those who may not understand the reasoning for this approach and may be upset by it. Addressing the requests of grieving parents is easier when administrators can refer to a school policy. Decision makers need to remember that their primary concern should be about the surviving students that are left in their care. Otherwise, saying no to a memorial can be misinterpreted as the school not caring or being insensitive.
While they discourage full-page dedications, I think an administrator could have come up with some kind of compromise. As you can see, saying no to a memorial can be misinterpreted as the school not caring or being insensitive.
A tasteful mention and a small dedication to the children who passed might have been a good compromise. Explaining to the students that a request like this must be handled very delicately makes sense. Coming up with a solution that does not glamorize suicide but also allows their grieving friends to remember their friends should have been a priority. I’m sure the parents and students who’ve had to go through this immense amount of pain are mindful, and in no way want to glorify suicide.
SAU16 students have been going through a tough time since COVID19 lockdowns. Even more so than other students who were able to go back to school before them. I worked with the parents to try to reopen schools based on the emotional toll it was taking on some of the students. Parents were begging and pleading with school officials, and board members. to ease the restrictions on masks once they returned. Their focus was on the well being of their children, but many of them felt like their concerns were falling on deaf ears.
If this district is truly committed to the well being of the students who attend, then start looking at how these issues are dealt with. In life we have to compromise. We have to find a reasonable solution so all parties have been heard. Where is the leadership? Why does everyone have to battle this school in order to find a solution to a problem?
13 Suicide and Crisis Intervention Hotlines to Call or Text When You Need Help