Science Retires
In a somewhat shocking announcement, Science has retired from public service. After several years of receiving harsh criticism and being hard to follow, Science has decided it’s had enough in serving the public. Fans of Science are shocked with many turning to chemistry to cope while others are putting their faith in quasi-scientific government programs. Critics say Science was never reliable and had been corrupted by a venal system that forced Science to compromise many years ago.
Science was popular early on in its career with success in the late 70s and early 80s in addressing many scientific and health concerns. Despite some early criticism, Science was even taught regularly in schools throughout much of the past fifty years. However, Science is no longer appreciated; neither is Math or English for that matter and so the lack of interest and faith in the direction of Science was enough for Science to quit while it was ahead.
Science has said it will most likely spend its last days reading and enjoying time with its family. Though no longer a biologist, Science looks forward to the sunset of its career with the birthing person it was partnered with some sixty years ago and plans to catch up on much of the science fiction it missed out on while being Science fact.
Science leaves behind several pandemics and health crises, a rising tide of anti-science movements, three or four controversies, a method, some experiments, and several Beagle puppies available for rescue to the right home or laboratory.
Vermont Department of Education Going MAGA for Math
Taking a page from Drag Queen Story Hour, the Vermont Department of Education is seizing the opportunity to put the State’s new surplus of prostitutes to make up for the nearly 3,000 educator shortfall.
Math Escorts will now be available after school in participating towns. With a generous donation from the Van Halen Foundation, these hot teachers are starting their own MAGA movement: Make Arithmetic Great Again
Though many of the participating women of the night are not natural math teachers, their concern arose from the continued problem with Johns’ and Janes’ inability to do simple math. Basic 10% tips were often coming up short and many found they were wasting precious time doing math for a client when they could be doing someone else.
“It’s kind of embarrassing really. I mean what is happening in public education when we prostitutes are better at math than the average person?”
It’s a fair question and one that the legislators in Montpelier aren’t afraid to answer. One progressive legislator explained:
“They are a resource, just like pot dealers. It’s that simple. This is why we de-criminalize and re-imagine a future where sex workers contribute more to the community than just a roll in the hay. We think they can carry their weight if they help our kids carry the one and add it to the total”.
The MAGA: Carry the One program will roll out this fall along the I-89 corridor from Hartford to Montpelier to Burlington. Charnice St. Croix, a twenty-fifth-year woman of the night, explained:
“We’re just looking out for our future and the future of this great profession. We can’t have the next generation of John’s wanting to use Venmo and not having any idea how to tip let alone use the basic functions of a calculator”
Parents seeking to enroll their child can do so at the VDOE website and one lucky child will be randomly selected for a one-year Math Escort scholarship courtesy of Texas Instruments.
Criminals To Cops Program In Burlington
A team of criminals has been meeting with Burlington police departments to develop what they think is the solution to rising crime and the shortage of police in the Queen City, as well as the effect they are having on property values. Facing a nearly 50% drop in officers, several Burlington area police departments began to advertise openings for job availability to a core group of criminals they found themselves interacting with daily.
Citing the change in law enforcement on a national level, with the Federal Bureau of Investigation leading the way, Burlington cops seem optimistic that crime may in fact pay, as in pay back. One thirteen-year veteran officer opined:
“Who better to have patrolling the streets than the folks that know who is up to what?”
One patriotic criminal expressed his concerns by stating:
“America has always been a great place to commit crimes, but we’re on the brink of, not just a recession, but a flat-out depression. That’s depressing, for everyone, including us criminals.”
The hope is this new partnership can regain some semblance of the glory days not long past. Criminals in particular are concerned that if the dollar is devalued and properties in Burlington are no longer desirable there will be far less opportunity to commit crimes worth committing.
“I’m not breaking into someone’s home and risking getting shot for a flat-screen TV that is worth 10% of what it was two years ago. That’s just bad business.”
Filling police vacancies with low-level criminals who can read good and pass a basic fitness test and polygraph may be all that’s required for new recruits. Burlington mayor Miro Weinberger is cautiously optimistic in stating “This is the ultimate win-win. Unless it doesn’t work.”
GOP Asks Pope & Joel Osteen To Make Trump Fourth Member Of Trinity
Riding the red wave following the Mar-A-Lago Raid which boosted Donald Trump’s popularity to unforeseen heights members of the Republican Party have asked Pope Francis and the world’s most famous preacher Joel Osteen to claim him as the fourth member of the Trinity. “We think he’s earned it,” said Marjorie Taylor Green from the back of a S.W.A.T. truck.
“This will be his third election win in a row, which is a world record” boasted Trump donor and faithful advisor Roger Stone.
Clergy members from around the country balked at the suggestion. Scotty Charmichael, a parochial school student in Boston wondered: “Doesn’t Trinty mean three? How can you have four in a Trinity?” His friends reminded him that he sucks at math and that Donald Trump can turn three into four if he wants to.
The Vatican declined to comment on behalf of the Pope who was busy getting a mani-pedi at the Papal salon.
Osteen spokesperson Chastity Grieves said:
“Joel and his wife are prayerfully considering a Trump nomination as the fourth member of the Trinity, and are waiting to hear back from the Trump team about their request for a love offering to help them in their decision.”
When asked about this nomination Trump posted the following to his Truth Social account:
“This is a tremendous honor. Very, very tremendous. I accept the nomination with great humility. Everyone says humility is my greatest strength next to my greatness, which is why I have great humility. I am very proud to work alongside God and Jesus and the other guy. I think we’ll make a fabulous team. Speaking of teams I hear the Los Angeles Angels are for sale – what better time for me to buy some Angels?!”
Sales of rosary beads have increased 87,000% causing the Department of Homeland Security’s terrorist tracker software to crash as was reported at yesterday’s Security Council briefing.
GOP Offers To Help Democrats Change Party Name
Recent polls show the Democrat party approval rating has dropped nearly forty-seven points placing them behind the Teamsters, the Mafia, Satan, and Telemarketers in popularity among their own Party members. The slightly sagging face of the party, Nancy Pelosi, was asked what they intend to do to restore their Party’s popularity. Though her answer was unintelligible a staffer claimed she said “It’s time for a name change.”
Longtime Democrat strategist James Carville, motioning to Speaker Pelosi:
“Every good team needs a facelift from time to time. The Washington football team is now the Commanders, Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben are now just fake syrup and white rice – we think the low approval ratings speak loud and clear what the people want – a name change.”
Seizing the opportunity to extend the olive branch and create some bipartisan goodwill in both House and Senate Republicans asked their constituents to exercise their creative juices for the good of the nation. Taking the high road, an eager GOP base was all too happy to oblige with the following:
- Demonrats
- Dumbocrats
- Libtards
- Dimwits
- Groomer Party
- Let’s Go Brandons
- Commie Bastards
GOP Party leader Mitch McConnell was unavailable for comment. However, up-and-comer Lauren Boebert was overheard to have said
“I think they have some real winners there.”
