Anticipating a generation of Bootie Boomers ™ Banana’s Inc. is excited to announce the development of state of the art assisted living facility adjacent to the Kendall Retirement Home in Hanover, NH / Dothan Brook Elementary, VT. Thanks to generous land grants obtained with the help of Assistant Health Secretary Rachel Levine and Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg (pronounced boot-ee-judge) we take exceedingly great PRIDE announcing will be breaking new ground as we break societal norms this summer!
Tastefully settled along the Connecticut River the Gommorah Heights Assisted Living will provide an entire range of LGBTQanon++ amenities uniquely tailored to meet the neediness of our queer neighbors. Having stacked the city council years ago we were easily able to petition the skyline limit for a structure. The entry drive will feature all fifty pride flags fully erected along both sides of Charles Nelson Riley Avenue. Penetrating the sky at nearly 500 feet will be the Gomorrah Heights Monument, an obelisk inspired by such phallic masterpieces at Luxor and Vatican City (NOTE: special pricing will be offered to all former priests).
Dwellings will range from Tier 1 to Tier 3 expanding in sizes starting at 1,100 sq. foot studio apartments and swelling to 2,500 sq. foot suites with cabanas. Floor plans will include up to three-bedroom layouts fully furnished.
Tier 1
These studios will be overlooking the gorgeous Upper Valley reminiscent of the Jordan River Plain. Tastefully decorated with our Liberace Collection each will include a California King-sized futon, sixty-eight and a half-inch flat screen tv, and customizable color schemes and decoration options ranging from chichi to froufrou. Tier 1 tenants will have access to most amenities including the communal bathhouse and massage parlor.
Tier 2
These handsome one and two-bedroom apartments offering even better views of the Green/White Mountains include one-to-one and one-half bathrooms, and ample closet space for walking in our coming out of, with each bedroom featuring a full-sized mattress suitable for any queen. The open and affirming concepts see the living, dining, and kitchen areas expanding into one great living area that can hold parties of ten to twelve. Some upgrades include membership in the LGBTraining Online Academy offering morning yoga or Peloton classes. Tier 2 tenants will have access to Tier 1 amenities plus preferred seating at the Blue Oyster Restaurant and Lounge located at the end of Harvey Milk Lane.
Tier 3
Seclusion and seduction are the themes for Tier 3 residents who enjoy our most ample living quarters. Each offers a private yard, in-ground pool, sprawling interior floor plan fully furnished with a cross-sectional couch, two Lazy-boy loungers, albino-Tiger skin rugs, and the glitz and glam kitchen collection from Dolce & Gabbana. These half-acre suites come equipped with a cabana and your choice of cabana or lawn boy. Amenities include all communal offerings, VIP seating at either the Blue Oyster Restaurant or the Greenwich Village Sausage Shack, and preferred parking in any one of our lots.
Communicable Services
The Rockefeller Pride Center, located at the center of the property, will house our administrative offices, walk-in medical clinic with pharmacy, recreational game rooms, and on site movie theatre. Adjacent to the Pride Center will be the communal bathhouse and massage parlor.
The Barney Frank Administrative Wing is open to all residents who need to take care of any and all things related to tenancy, payments, or customer relations issues. Our Office Manager is Phyllis T. Neugeburger. For any questions, issues or irritations please see Phyllis.
The Alfred Kinsey Medical Clinic includes tests for: COVID, HIV, HPV, Genital Herpes, Oral Herpes, Syphillis, Monkey Pox, Molluscum contagiosum, Gonnorhea, Chlamydia, Trichomoniasis, Orcitis, Mononucleosis, Hepatitis A, B & C, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, Pubic Lice, Scabies, Crabs, Amoebiasis, Cryptosporidiosis, Giardiasis, Shigellosis, Foot and Mouth Disease, Leptospirosis, Echinococcosis, and Rabies. These tests are same day results so you can enjoy your time at Gomorrha Heights mostly worry free! Medications can also be obtained same day across the esplanade at the Walter White Pharmacy.
AMENITIES
Bathhouses
There is one main communal bathhouse open to members and their guests, and one VIP bathhouse for reservation only. If you have reservations about being in one of the bathhouses, that is totally normal if it’s your first time. Just do what the other residents do and you’ll be fine.
Hammocks
Situated throughout the complex are our world famous Banana Hammocks that are first come first serve. Made from 100% organic and locally sourced hemp, we make them large enough to hold two full sized adults and to remind you that size does matter.
Entertainment
Enjoy binge watching your favorite shows on any of our semi-private screens named after our favorite LGBTQanon++ heroes. Sift through a prime time selection in the Will and Grace Room, or enjoy a musical and show tunes medley in the Judy Garland room. The two Main Screen rooms play current releases however every Sunday the matinee is Brokeback Mountain followed by an early evening screening of Philadelphia.
Lazy River
For those of you missing your time share we offer the lazy river that winds in front of and around back the Rockefeller Pride Center. After noon cocktails will be made available and you can sign up to get your meds as you drift past the pharmacies exclusive lazy window.
Parking
Parking is also tiered to meet residents needs and income status.
- Tier 1 lots are general parking at the perimeter of the property
- Tier 2 lots are preferred parking in any of the blue or pink designated areas
- Tier 3 lots are VIP designated by hand crafted salt pillars resembling Lot’s wife (we laughed!)
*Special permit only parking for Dykes On Bikes members.
These units are filling up fast! We anticipate little to no inventory available come late summer so remember to sign up on line and use PROMO CODE: PRIDE before the Fall.
Bath houses
Valley
Sodom
AIDS
See Phyllis
Monkey Pox
Colon
Kinsey
John Money
Jodie Foster
NAMBLA-AARP
