Dear Dr. Disinformation Director Jankowic. Congratulations on your new role as Executive Director for the Board of Governance Disinformation! This board and its role are long overdue. The amount of disinformation coming out of our government feels like 1930s Germany, and not in the good way.
I am writing you for two reasons. The first is to support your efforts in combating government disinformation. The second is as a journalist who would like clarification of the term “disinformation” given that my field, like the government, is full of it (no pun intended).
I’m sure you have already been given lists of people to keep a close eye on, and I am proud to say I am on at least four or five lists myself thanks to my unswerving loyalty to our country, its constitution, and the rule of law, which you are sworn to uphold and will no doubt be re-familiarizing yourself within the coming weeks.
My biggest fear is that you would be mischaracterized by your enemies as using your unelected powers to abuse the citizens of the United States when we both know that only tyrants do that. I saw your Tik-Tok videos – what kind of tyrant would sing about disinformation? Haters…
Briefly, so we are on the same page, you are no doubt familiar with this already established legal precedence that creates parameters for acceptable and unacceptable disinformation:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Hopefully, you recognize that as the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America, which I fact-checked and Politifact confirmed is an official government document, or as those far-right lawyers at the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) call it “the law of the land.” .
Thankfully it seems your office is established on solid ground to act as a check against government disinformation given this document (re: The Constitution) was expressly designed to limit the government’s power and protect against government overreach, which no doubt will happen from time to time in a nation like ours. It turns out Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of psychopaths in the country – who knew?! No doubt they will work their way into positions of power, so please be careful.
Which raises the important question, how do you spot a psychopath?
For starters, it’s important that you aren’t one. Assuming that’s the case, you will need to use all of your powers of disinformation to find them as they are MASTERS at lying. In fact, they are so good at it that they often can convince you they are not only not lying but your very perception of reality can’t be trusted. This is called gaslighting and it comes from this really fun movie where a husband drives his wife crazy by constantly changing their lights that ran on gas back then (Neanderthals!), but that’s for another time.
By example, you will no doubt have heard your critics say your exciting new office is cleverly disguised as a Ministry of Truth like the one in George Orwell’s dystopian novel 1984 (I’m happy to send you a copy) where the government produces official lies to deceive the public. These idiots obviously can’t do the math. It’s 2022, so if you were to do that you’re a little late!
So Director Jankowicz I feel it’s my civic duty to help you in your mission to identify these nefarious individuals who are spreading government disinformation. I don’t expect to be paid for this, however we never did get our second stimulus check we were promised so if you don’t mind sending that along I’m running a little low on ammo and the prices are ridiculous. Not to mention, if we don’t stop these psychos in government that second amendment is starting to make a whole lot of sense – am I right?
Here is my list to look out for:
During the BLM riots intended to create freedom through destruction, Jerry Nadler is on record saying Antifa is a “myth”. This is not only insulting but it is classic disinformation! How can they be a myth if they have Twitter accounts? I am from Portland, Oregon and we have a proud heritage of Antifa members who incite political violence all over the country. Whether they are hiding their identities or not they deserve the credit they’re due and Mr. Nadler should be ashamed for disinforming the American Public. Many Antfia are hiding their identities because they either have criminal records, are committing crimes or are pedophiles and thus not terribly popular. What would you do? Besides, masks worked back then for more than just stopping COVID until the CDC told us they didn’t anymore. These people are brave and they follow the CDC guidelines. Don’t let this tiny man fool you. Nadler needs to be listed.
Al Gore (45th US Vice President)
Mr. Gore toured the country screening his now famously disinformation docu-drama An Inconvenient Truth. For starters he kept talking about global warming which NASA proved is not a thing (example #1). The scientific term is “climate change” because the climate changes, duh. It’s an immutable characteristic of the climate. He also made the false claim the sea levels would rise by 2012 and wipe out Manhatten (example #2). I was just there and I didn’t need swim trunks to tour Central Park, although if people keep peeing that much in the park I recommend a snorkel – gross! Mr. Non-scientist also warned us the polar bear population would be wiped out, and who wouldn’t cheer for that since those man-eaters have now doubled! I suggest the next time he flies one of his private jets in American airspace you shoot it down, or at least add him to the list.
Dr. Anthony Fauci (Head of the CDC)
For starters, Dr. Fauci is not a practicing medical doctor, which raises some eyebrows given how much medical misinformation he was allowed to disseminate through our government. Though you were probably triple masked and curled up in the fetal position waiting for the angel of death to pass by your house like the rest of the country, Dr. Fauci is to blame. He funded the Wuhan lab, where they are now destroying the evidence; he said in emails and on television masks don’t work, then they do, so use two, now they don’t (WTH?); and he just sat by while media shamed Joe Rogan for using the Nobel Prize winning medication Ivermectin by calling it a “horse de-wormer” knowing full well Joe Rogan is not a horse. I strongly recommend you read Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s book The Real Anthony Fauci because the one we can barely see when he’s standing right in front of us is a disinformant. List him!
Lest you think disinformation is a male-only disease and therefore a tool of the patriarchy, here are a few women you should keep both eyes on.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY)
Don’t let those wandering eyes fool you, this lady has the tunnel vision of a stone-cold assassin of the truth. Like her senior disinformant Al Gore she is pushing that the earth is going to implode because not everyone drives a Tesla. What’s worse, she’s telling everyone to hate free speech champion Elon Musk who works at Tesla, so nobody from NY is going to want to buy Teslas. It’s a no win situation for Mother Earth with this lady! She also said border agents were whipping mostly illegal immigrants (they were found not-guilty), and she said Republicans want to date her knowing full well she’s married and can’t date anyone. When you put her on your list remember she spells it A-l-e-x-a-n-d-r-i-a.
Jen Psaki (current Biden Administration Press Secretary)
To quote another woman who deserves to be heard: “If your lips are moving then you lie, lie, lie baby.”
- Meghan Trainor (Grammy Award-winning non-disinformation artist)
Don’t let this Little Red Riding All Over the Truth munchkin get over on you. She’s four foot ten inches of Big Bad Disinformation Wolf in sheep’s clothing. At least that’s what Tucker Carlson says, and he has the receipts.
No doubt you are hiring at your office so I’m sure you will be flooded with applications. If my Spidey senses are correct you will find a good number of them having worked for CNN. Might I suggest you pass on these folks just on principle? CNN has been caught spreading disinformation like venereal diseases. That’s not a metaphor, there staff includes a TON of sexual predators and perverts. Literally, their combined weight has to be close to 2,000 pounds. In fact I can’t think of any CNN staff that aren’t. Yet another reason to avoid them like the coming plague. Names to look out for include:
- Jeffrey “Zoomin” Toobin
- Don “Wash That Off With Some” Lemon
- Chris “All Hands Team” Cuomo
- John “Is That Your Daughter?” Griffin
- Rick “Saleezy” Saleeby
- Brian “Pursed Lips” Stelter (no charges, yet)
Gosh, this is a neat opportunity to really clean up our government and protect the American people from words. What an honor.
I almost forgot, my last request. I am the world’s first and only Professional Fake News Reporter. In fact, I am disappointed that so many of these “journalists” are trying to butt in on my territory. If you would please provide the working definitions of disinformation and misinformation as well as journalism and satire, and perhaps maybe a MASTER CLASS so we can all get on the same page that would be awesome.
Yours In The Fight For Freedom,
Jon K. Bananas
World’s First and Only Truly Fake News Reporter – Vermont Daily Chronicle & Granite Grok