Please go to our websitewww.bananasinc.com to apply for any of the following.
Educator
Are you looking for a fast-paced environment and the ability to work with a team of responsible adults? Are you a self-starter who desires to build something special in your community? If you said YES to either or both, MOVE ALONG Captain Fantastic. We are looking for mentally unstable adult toddlers to join our team of government-funded “educators” who have the following skillset:
- Love children (likely too much)
- Can keep secrets
- Play adult dress up
- Enjoy personal grooming
- Know how to operate a video camera
- 5th grade or lower reading and math level
NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY – WE WILL TRAIN YOU! Our benefits package includes government-funded socialized health care, 401k, weekends, and summers off (unless you’d like to be a counselor at one of our fabulous camps). To save money we ask you to do your own background check and drug testing. Send resume and application to jobs@bananasinc.com.
We want to thank Johnny Bananas for this Op-Ed.
Please direct yours to Editor@GraniteGrok.com.
Court Biologist
Would you like to join the highest legal body in the land? Do you have a basic understanding of biology? If so, we have a spot for you in this NEW position for the UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT as our first ever COURT BIOLOGIST. With the rise in Supreme Court judges lacking basic biological judgment we have a gender non-binary role for you to play in helping decide the most vital legal decisions that will shape America’s future. Candidates must have:
- Basic knowledge of human biology
- Current Anti-racist credentials
- Strong hatred of white people
- Friendly LGBTQ social media profile
- Work well with child predators
- Some understanding of Title IX and the 19th Amendment
EXPERIENCE: A four-year high school diploma OR access to Wikipedia a MUST. Benefits package includes three day weekends, free membership on the NAACP mutli-co-ed softball team, semi-full health benefits with a $5,000 deductible. BONUS: Employee discounts for Uber Eats and Public Transportation
Background and drug testing (optional). To join our diverse, equitable and semi-inclusive team of questionable ethicists send inquiries to: jobs@bananasinc.com
Fact Checker
Are you so right you’re left? Do you desire to be more righter? Is SNOPES the only site bookmarked on your computer? Do you find yourself spontaneously correcting useless mouth breathers for free? Would you like to get paid for your unique skill set? Bananas Inc. is looking for several dozen stay-at-home Fact Checkers who can spot a mostly false claim with their eyes wide shut.
We are looking for the following:
- Strong sense of superiority
- Ability to discern approved messaging
- Knowing how to fake news for real news
- Ability to browse the internet while browbeating others
Must have high-speed internet connection and working computer with the following specs: Current Windows 13 or Mac operating system (no Linux), Dual Core MicroXD 9.11 processor, 5GB Dodge-RAM, Facial Recognition ID, Retinal Scan, Anti-anti-virus Software.
SPECIAL SIGN ON BONUS: Signed poster of Bill Gates (JK – we know you already have one!).
Send triple-spell checked and double spaced Times New Roman fonted resumes to: jobs@bananasinc.com
Help Wanted Sign Maker
Due to the dramatic rise in the need for HELP WANTED signs, Bananas Inc. is currently looking for help in our Help Wanted sign-making plant in Tijuana, Mexico. Strong preference for undocumented citizens especially if you have been living or working in the United States within the past two years.
Benefits package includes: You will get to keep your fake passports, free healthcare, and stimulus checks.
Please send aplicacion’s por favor to jobs@bananasinc.com. Responses can take up to six weeks since we are currently understaffed in our Human Resources department. Muchas gracias!
Heroes and Heroin
Supermxn and Superwomxn don’t just wear designer tights and capes, they are the heroes and heroine’s behind the Bananas Inc. revolutionary Needles For the Needy program starting in Burlington, Montpelier, and White River Junction this summer. Needles For the Needy is a state-of-the-art needle redistribution program where we meet the needs of both heroin addicts and the unvaccinated (or partially vaccinated).
Thanks to a generous $38 million set aside in the Congressionally Directed Funding, we are excited to announce this program in coordination with Senator Bernie Sander’s team of ex-junkies and currently semi-employed ex-staffers for Vice President Harris. Our mission is to reach Vermont’s growing heroin and unvaccinated populations with the country’s first sensible-use needle sharing program.
Volunteers must be able to:
- Pick up needles and repurpose them (i.e. pass them out)
- Lift up to 200 pounds of dead body weight
- Enjoy working with pricks
- Know someone with transportation
- Pass drug and COVID tests daily
Experience with drugs, homeless, and supporters of bodily autonomy helpful but not required.
If you would like to be a part of inebriating and inoculating the I-89 corridor and help your neighbors feel the Bern right into their veins you can reach out to our office next to Senator Sanders’ (above the Masonic Temple) by calling 802-NEE-DLES or email jobs@bananasinc.com.
Street Walker-Cleaner
*ATTENTION SEX WORKERS* Your favorite Uncle Bernie has generously offered our tax dollars back to us to the tune of $38 million from the Congressionally Directed Funding account. With Epstein Island now closed, we realize it will be difficult to supplement your income. However, the State of Vermont is working hard to legalize sex work from Burlington to Montpelier where you’ll be able to see many of your old political friends!
We know you and your customers like exciting new positions. Who doesn’t really? This is why Bananas Inc., along with both city’s Public Works departments, are thrilled to present: STREET WALKER-CLEANER. Do good between doing your clients – the ultimate win-win!
Applicants should have a desire to:
- Pick up trash when not picking up Johns
- Have a flexible schedule and hamstrings
- Know how to operate a broom and dustpan
- Show pride in their work
Comfy shoes are recommended for longer shifts. Evenings can get cold so if you prefer the night shift we recommend warm clothing, like Car-hart or Dolce & Gabbana.
Send resumes with photos to jobs@bananasinc.com.
(SAFETY REMINDER: Vermont is an open carry state.)
