From The Blaze:
I’m tired of living in the shadows. It’s time to come out of the pantry closet.
Now that the Supreme Court has ruled that everyone has a constitutional right to marry anyone (or anything), I have come to a huge decision. I have decided to marry bacon.
I’ve been struggling with this for a long time and never told anyone. As I think about it, I’ve had a preoccupation for pork since I was 12. I think God made me to spend the rest of my life with bacon. I’ve decided that I love bacon and you do not choose who you love. And since I am not a Jew, and Jesus never specifically mentioned or prohibited marrying bacon, I think I’m good.
My wife has suspected it for quite some time. My family has accepted it. I hope you do too. In fact, I demand it, so don’t criticize me or be intolerant. That would be ‘ham’aphobic. This doesn’t hurt ‘non-bacon’ marriages in any way, and I’ve been reading all kinds of scientific journals that tell me it won’t hurt my children (bacon bits) either since they will be in a home of love.My doctor has been telling me for a while that this lifelong affair I’ve had with pork will hurt me, but what does he know. If I do get hospitalized because of it, at least now the doctor and hospital can release medical records to my bacon buddy, and give me visitation rights since we are a legitimate family now.
The definition of Marriage has evolved like society, and I am so glad that now my sizzling union is protected by the Constitution, and promoted by my president. I may even flirt some with my new bride’s sister – turkey-bacon. I’m going to go hog wild.
I’ll proudly wear the LGBT label too. Loving Great Bacon Tremendously. It is a civil right and will lower the humiliation of others who have been ham-hiding. I’m also looking for a church that will accept bacon every day, and not just once in a while at the Saturday men’s breakfast. Studies and stats have shown that accepting me and my bacon will likely doom that church, but that’s alright. The church should comply with this and any other cultural shift.
That’s it. Just wanted you to know. I’ll be doing the ceremony downtown on Fountain Square. Probably during the Flying Pig. I feel so liberated now. Who knows, someday I may also re-identify myself as scrambled eggs to be a better match for bacon.
But that would be ridiculous.
